Archive | September, 2011

Don’t Stop Believin’

22 Sep

…a mantra for the hard times, indeed. Currently, I am trying to be a little more Zen with my life. And hows that working out, Schetti? Well, I’m basically trying to go from THIS:

 

 

FML!!!!!!!!!

…..To THIS:

 

 

 

LML. Cuz who DOESN'T want to lay out in some grass all day??

 

For someone such as myself, this involves some strategic planning. For one thing I’m taking a psych course, basically about managing your life, learning about all the life stages and how to deal. The book is called “I Never Knew I Had A Choice” by a couple of hippie folk. And not to mention my teacher is totally bananas over Star Wars, and uses it as examples…ALOT. So far, the only thing I disagree with is the “fact” that I am Bi-Polar due to these factors, IN THIS ORDER: 1. have a sucky way of using defense mechanisms, 2. had a TERRIBLE childhood (ok…so saying I’m bi-polar because my mommy was mean…isn’t that like, projection- a defense mechanism being used in the wrong way? Thought so…) 3. Hereditary (Yeah, like number one on my own personal list, but whatever) and THEN 4. A chemical imbalance. (hmm. okay, this may be number one, considering meds fix imbalances, not who your relatives are…) SO, ANYWAYS, Jedi-Professor is on to a few things and I shall keep those in mind while just kind of tossing ot the rest. Like, I will objectivly look at mistakes in my past and use them as a tool to not make the mistake again. Don’t want to repeat the dreaded Anakin-Vadar cycle!

 

 

My mistakes will NOT follow me. I repeat, my mistakes will not follow me.

 

On top of fancy-schmancy pysch course, I will be checking in with the shrinkie-doo and the therapist lady more often. FIRST of all, school is taxing, work is taxing, having to be to school everyday cutting on work time, now cutting on checks is PARTICULARLY taxing. NOT to mention it is FALL. Jenna in the City (the productive one, to a point) HATES FALL. With an unrelenting friggin’ passion. Fall relocates Jenna in the City/Small Town to the Country, then to the Boonies, then to a Shack In The Woods, not to emerge until like, almost December. Being a hermit will most definitely put a damper on my ambitions and drive to succeed. Can’t go having that. Considering, hit mid-October and its mid-term-a-palooza. Woo. They won’t have all the answers, but my therapist most definitely knows how to get shit accomplished!

 

 

Like Lucy...But more...HELPFUL

 

And the ever-present power of Blocking. Yes, in this day and age, it is totally within your capability to block drama. Well, social media drama. Not ONLY can you just click a button and become non-existant to someone, change your phone number, and basically fake your own demise in their life without so much as a face-to-face “sod off”, but you can do it from the comfort of your own home, in your undies, or even your fake ass. Whatever floats your boat. And BOOM! Its gone! All is erased from memory like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Oh, someone wants to write SKANK LMAO, with about 475 LMAO’s they probably pecked out with one finger while the other was jammed up a nose diggin’ for lost gold? BLOCK. Oh GAWD, THIS girl again with her CONSTANT updates that are so annoying it makes my eyes tear up and burn? BLOCK. Or, maybe just “restrict”, so if you still would like to keep in touch, just don’t need all the drama of real-world Judas’s or play-by-play of someone’s entire wordly existance. This handy tool in itself has saved me a bundle on high blood pressure meds.

 

 

Every Assholes' Kryptonite.

 

Getting sleep is also coming in on this list. I will also add to that a balanced diet. Between studying all night, work, school, wanting to be home, and cleansing myself of ridiculousness, I don’t think I’ve been able to clock in much sleep, (at least GOOD sleep) get up early enough to function properly. And for the past couple of days I have sustained myself on coffee, Coke Zero, candy corn, half an enchillada, and a tuna fish sandwich. For two days. No wonder I’m a fucking zombie.

 

 

Must. Have. Sugar... Hey, if I keep it up, I will at least have an awesome Halloween costume.

 

So JenniSchetti’s guide for Zen-cess:

1. Find an Obi-Wan or Yoda of your own, and take the good ideas from them and their hippie book. Not only will you learn about yourself, you’ll learn how to deal with others. Bonus.

2. If you have a therapist (in this day and age, everyone could use one) utilize him/her and TALK honestly. Because if you ain’t honest, they ain’t helping. THEN what the hell are you paying for?? And for Pete’s sake, if they suggest meds, take them. Denial is the biggest battle. You WILL feel better.

3. Keep your friends close, and your enemies blocked. Quite frankly, it is a sucky situation to have someone slander you on a public forum to hundreds of people you don’t know. So heres the solution. Report it, stick up for yourself, and then block those bitches. Because once they get done typing something REALLY NASTY about you, then your refute and they type something even longer and more asshole-ish and get something cool that pops up that says this can not be sent….Ohhh, will that STING.  Its you giving them a virtual bitch-slap. Like the eqivolent of walking away from a ridiculous arguement. REALLLLYYYY hard to do sometimes, with some subjects, but once you do it, you feel soooooo much better. Trust me on that one. Caution: this route entails at LEAST restricting mutual friends who you have a gut feeling that are Judas. And it’s gotta be done, or these people can still delve into the life you “technically” booted them out of (<— pun INTENDED)

4. For the love of God, sleep and eat. Or you will just be up at 2am scrounging up some high-cal snack. (2 layers of cake with buttercream and fondant, anyone?) 6 hours of sleep is probably sufficent. I know if I sleep to little its TORTURE and I’m groggy, then awake, over and over and if I sleep too much, I’m in a fog. Watch what you eat. If I don’t have at the least one coffee a day, I have a migraine. Its a caffiene addiction. But eating a $1 bag of candy corn throughout the day? A sugar crash waiting in the wings. Not to mention early onset diabetes. Now theres some stress for you!

So be like Journey, and believe you can be all zen with your universe, young Jedi!!!

Yeah…so the message isn’t exactly about being “zen” I suppose, but I needed an excuse to post my theme song.

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Boys: How To Guide On Becoming A Man

9 Sep

One of my previous blogs was some cold hard truth and reality for the young girls of today’s world. Well, I think its time to give the boys a shot. Now obviously, I have boobs and a bajingo. I am a girl. Woman. So, technically speaking, I don’t actually know the physical specifics on what you do on your journey to that ever glorified manhood, other than things grow and things drop…HOWEVER, being a woman, I do know what a female desires in her Ultimate Man. And, lucky enough for you boys, I am sharing. But be prepared, I will probably take a few shots at your (growing) man-hood.

  1. Social Skills! (And Maturity!)

Being able to be around people is definitely something a boy must master before claiming manhood. And by people, I don’t mean your Bro-mans sitting around a ps3 playing Call of Duty and  circle jerking or whatever it is you do all day. You need to learn what is and what isn’t appropriate conversation with certain people. Nothing is worse for a girl (or woman for the blog, I think I will just go back and forth bear with me) than introducing her new love to her parents/friends/families/co-workers/etc and being completely and utterly embarrassed by some sort of ridiculousness that made its way through his vocal cords and out of his mouth, evading his brain the entire way.

FOR EXAMPLE: You are meeting someone important to your girl.

They Say: Well, how lovely to meet you, I’m so-and-so. How are you?

You DO NOT SAY: “Well, I just dropped the Browns off at the Superbowl and they skidded their way to victory so I’m feeling much better.” (Someone texted me that once. It took a minute, then I realized they told me they just relieved themselves of  a giant shat. Lovely) THIS WILL NOT BE FUNNY TO THESE PEOPLE, (unless they are real ass comedians) AND WILL MOST LIKELY PISS OFF YOUR LADYFRIEND.

You SAY: “I’m fine thanks, and it is a pleasure to meet you.” OR “I’m good, and you?” OR just a “Fine thanks, you?”

And social skills do not stop at verbal competency. You must also be able to PRESENT yourself in a way that says “I’m NOT a Dickweed!” As in: chew with your mouth closed, stop interrupting, farting/burping is NOT acceptable in a common area go to the damn bathroom you barbarian, quit looking at her mother/sister/aunt/friend’s tatas, excessive PDA need not be blasted in front of great grandma, Keep fingers, keys, pens, etc out of your orifices. You can see where this is going. I don’t wanna spell it all out. Use your BRAIN.

This is what NOT to do:

Because that's totally attractive.

Do THIS Instead:

Be Likeable, and for Pete's sake, keep you friggin' mouth closed.

2. Size Apperance DOES MATTER!!

We all know girls love to do the whole ‘look pretty for the guy’ thing. It’s in our nature. I don’t know why, I’m not a fucking biologist, so don’t ask me. I just know it is. So when we spend all this time and effort on us for YOU, do you think MAYBE you could at least change your dirty frat-boy shirt? Run a comb through your hair? Slap on some friggin’ deodorant? I know. Not all dudes are like this. But lets face it- from time to time you could at least DO SOMETHING with yourself. You are not a child anymore, you are striving to be an adult. Some general rules of thumb:

  • Theres a lot of different looks out there (skater, prep, bad boy, gangsta, rocker, what-the-hell-ever) go with what your comfortable with.
  • But don’t be a slob. Stains are out, unless you’re bummin’ around the house together, or like, work a dirty job. But when you go out with beau, be presentable. Grunge can even be done nicely. Tricky, but nicely.
  • Match your clothes, dude. If you don’t know ask your lady friend.
  • Smell. Please refrain from smelling like a fucking jockstrap/dufflebag/gym sock/locker room. Seriously a bottle of Axe is like 4 bucks. And it works well enough.

Yeah, this is tres chic!

3. Be RESPONSIBLE!

Ok, bro. Time to man up. This requires obtaining and KEEPING a job. It’s one thing to get laid off or whatever, but another completely to lose a job and not actively search for another. No girl wants to pay your way for everything. She will (hopefully) want to do things FOR each other, not just be your walking fucking wallet. And please, be a law-abiding citizen. The Bad Boy LOOK is attractive, not the lifestyle. (Girls: for more on the Bad Boy Syndrome, or BBS that most of us unfortunately suffer from, plese view my sister’s blog: http://povertyanddeath.wordpress.com She is a fucking expert on this epidemic.)

Being responsible also goes this way, and probably the most IMPORTANT part of this rule. If you have a major responsibility, like children, TAKE CARE OF THEM. Whether your girl is the mama, or you have a baby mama, BE THERE. This is monetarily speaking and emotionally speaking. Both are equally as important. I know from experience shit don’t usually work out between young parents, I get that. I’M THERE dude. But you are as responsible for that child as she is, after all YOU were needed to help make it. HELL, YOU determined the sex! So seriously guy, buy some fucking Huggies and go throw a ball around. Being a deadbeat will get your ass beat. And hey, here’s some advice: if you have a baby, and don’t feel you can ‘manage’ the responsibility of it, then for the love of all things Holy, STOP PRO-CREATING. It’s scumbags like YOU that give young parents, the guys who try in particular, a bad name.

Mmmhhmmm...You know who you are. And you all sicken me.

4. Treat her like you would want your mom/sister/daughter to be treated.

That’s right. For once, think of your girl as your mother. Or your baby sister (No, not in the sack you perv.) How would you like it if some complete and utter fucking asshole made your loved one do everything for them and the household with no recognition even, feel like general crap about herself, verbally and emotionally abuse her, pressure her into doing things she doesn’t want to do or is uncomfortable with, yadayada. Oh, you’d wanna smash his friggin’ face in, huh, tough guy? Well, then REALIZE that this girl IS someone’s sister, daughter and maybe mother. Maybe YOU’LL have a date with the linoleum. Here’s some tips on how to treat a lady right:

  • tell her she’s beautiful (most effective first thing in am, right before bed, when doing something completely ordinary, such as grocery shopping, and when shes just chillin’ like a villain in those sweats and a sloppy bun)
  • DON’T FOLLOW THE SCUMBAG MANTRA- Lie, Cheat and Steal. Don’t do it. If you feel a need to cheat, break up. If you feel a need to lie, break up, if you just wanna rob the bitch, you deserve your nuts stomped.
  • LISTEN TO HER YOU JACKASS. You should know on past conversations things like her favorite flowers, her best friend from forever, what she REALLY wants to do on a Saturday night. Then act on these observations and do something nice.
  • Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and holidays, or you may die.  But more importantly, surprise her. Random flowers on a random Wednesday just to say you care? OMFG, that’ll melt her insides and guarantee you some sort of “you’re so sweet reward”. Fuck, I prefer those kind of surprises as opposed to Valentines Day. But my gripe with that consumer holiday is for another time.

    They don't even have to be fancy and elaborate. Just show you care dammit.

And lastly, BE YOURSELF. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, it will get you nowhere. And make sure you do the same for your lady. Don’t force her to be someone YOU want her to be, like oh, I dunno, an ex-girfriend perhaps. Because it won’t work and she will resent you for it.

This is my starter’s manual for shaping yourself into a gentleman. All I know is, this is what I go for, and girls I know go for. So its working for somebody…

This guy!

Get Your Lucky Charms Out of My Milky Way!!

8 Sep

So heres an old blog…From MYSPACE (remember that?!) I dug up whilst cyber-stalking myself, about something my sister, my aunt and I were JUST DISCUSSING. Freaky deaky. So, way back from 2006, I present this gem of info most people don’t know about jennischetti, and  to you, Margarita! enjoy!

Well, for those of you who read this AND the Watertown Daily Times, there IS a slight ray of hope for one of my “quirks”. This may be something many of you have never noticed. I thought I was a rare breed. Apparently I am not.

    In the Sunday edition, there is an article on “Finiky Eaters”. Yes. Finally. Light has been shed on this mind-boggling quirkiness which I posess. Apparently, there are people out there whom, like myself, are of average intellegence, criminally sane, who have certain quams in the way they eat their food.

     Example One: Even numbers. I like my food in even numbers. Why? Who knows. If I am eating candies, for example, I need a minimum of two in my mouth at a time. If there are, for example, 21 m&ms in a bag, I will donate the stray to another mouth.

      Example Two: Color. Froot Loops, Skittles, M&Ms, mixed veggies, anything which comes in a color variety MUST be eaten in my own color code…The code, you ask? Brown(where applicable), purple, red, orange, yellow, blue and green. And in the color groups, if one is uneven, the unlucky product must be thrown to someone less picky.

      Example Three: Lucky Charms. My Lucky Charms habit bonkers alot of people out, which is why I don’t eat them much. My mom used to say ” Just eat it, DAMMIT!” But anyway. First the wheat crap. Then the marshmallows are eaten after they are counted. The lowest numbered group (ex.: rainbows) must go first and the highest number group (ex.: hearts) go last. If ever a numerical tie (yes, it happens), the group is chosen in my color order. There IS a method to my madness.

     Example Four: Candy bars. Ah. Have you ever wondered what each layer of a Milky Way, for example, looks like? Well, eat one with me, you’ll know. I  eat them layer by layer. As with any and all candy bars, and ice cream containing edible bits. Same with my mozz. sticks and breaded mushrooms. Once I forgot I was not in the safety of my own home/work and I started in on a butterfinger. People watched in pure awe. It was awkward to really explain why, as there is no reason to it. I think thats why I can tell you the difference in a ho-ho and a swiss cake. I eat it layer by layer, noticing the variations Because there are some.

     So, is this in fact, OCD? Many debate. Alot of cases aren’t, but mine…who knows. These are, after all, just four examples. But gotta say, pretty fucking crazy to me….

Teen Mom Syndrome- Scared Celibate!

7 Sep

I was walking through the mall one day, and happened to overhear a group of girls, about 13 or 14 years old squealing with delight over the fact that one of their friends was “O.M.G REALLY PREGNANT!” (yes, they said O M G as opposed to oh my God. Don’t even get me started.) Yeah, its none of my business, and whatever, and no, I did not say anything. But if I could have I would’ve taken those little girls out of the aisles of Justice and Deb’s (tween and teen clothing stores) and into the REALITY of being a young mommy for a day. First, we’d start with some facts about babies no one knows until they have one themselves.

EXPENSE OF A BABY

  1. CHEAP diapers cost about $15 a box…Doesn’t seem bad, but a box lasts about a week, 2 once they are older. That’s what? $60 bucks a month. And don’t forget wipes! a 3 pack for $10! One pack for the car, one for home, one for diaper bag, and by the end of the week you lose all fucking 3!!! And Butt Cream, that’s like anywhere from 5-15 bucks, depending on the kind your baby needs.
  2. Formula- If you aren’t breast-feeding, it’s about $20 a can. Yeah. For food. That they eat every 4 hours or so. That’s a lot of money. And there’s no “oh, it’ll be okay if I water it down or give her juice for a couple of days”…No, it’s not. And bottles?? Shit, DON’T LOSE THEM.
  3. Babysitters- A CHEAP DAYCARE in this shit hole of a town (NNY) is about $180 a week. And that’s poor people status. Hopefully you’re lucky and have a family member or friend to help you out. Especially if you are in school.
  4. CLOTHES- Yeah, teeny tiny baby clothes, can cost just as much as adult clothes. If you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t feel shitty taking help and hand-me-downs. Your baby won’t care if it has on fresh Nikes. He WILL care that his belly is full and his diaper is clean. And any decent mother you know who has a kid a size or two bigger will LOVE to help you out. It’s paying it forward.
  5. Carseat and Crib- Even going cheap on these two will run you about 300-500 bones. And there’s no getting around either

Girls, these are just the ESSENTIALS. Nevermind the fancy bouncy seat(20-100 bucks), the cool play mat (about 45 bucks), playpen(shit, I don’t even KNOW…like 50 bucks?),and God-knows-what-else. And honey, it only gets more expensive as time goes on. Remember that prom dress you want? BEGGED FOR? I bet it’s about $400. Mine was. Now I realize how hard my mom worked for us. Don’t do that to yourself, or your future children now.

Yes, he is cute, but costs more than you can even imagine. WAIT.

Who am I kidding? NO teenager or young adult for that matter who hasn’t at least had to help support their family even GRASPS the value of money. To them, $100 is the lotto. Not a week in gas. So this approach would probably just be equivalent to beating a dead horse. Hmmm. AHA! Teenage girls HATE disgusting things…Lets get some random baby facts going, that no one bothers to tell you before hand!!

PREGNANCY GROSSNESS NO ONE TELLS YOU

  1. Your feet swell, and will stretch out ALL the shoes you wear, and you won’t be able to wear them again
  2. Your hair has a good chance of falling out. And a BIG chance of growing hair where there wasn’t before (chin, belly, nipples…)
  3. Morning sickness can happen whenever, wherever. Like, in the middle of history class.
  4. You also may start lactating…again whenever, where ever…like in the middle of class.
  5. When baby gets big enough it will push on your bladder. Causing you to pee your pants. Like, when you walk, or sneeze, or laugh. How embarrassing.
  6. Hemorrhoids. While pregnant and after labor. It’s a bitch.
  7. You will be an exhausted, hormonal wreck. Sometimes, you hate everyone, you will be a roller coaster.

Not as cute as the celebrities huh? And note the fine hair all over.

LABOR & DELIVERY GROSSNESS NO ONE TELLS YOU

  1. Chances are you will poop, pee and puke all over the delivery table. In front of whoever is in the room (1 doctor, a couple of nurses, your boyfriend, and whoever else you invite in)
  2. Your vagina has to stretch 10 cm to fit a baby. And most of the time, the baby will rip it more on the way out. Or your doctor may just slit it open farther. and this will require stitches.
  3. Your water probably won’t break dramatically, like in movies. No, it’ll leak. Or it may just stay intact and the good ol’ doc will have to take a hook to it and pop it open.
  4. You will bleed. A LOT. and have to wear giant pads. No tampons or sex until you are cleared by your doctor.
  5. Mucus plug- Just what it sound like, girls. A hardish plug of mucus holding everything in your vag. It comes out. Gross.
  6. A c-section is serious and requires TONS of prep time, a shuffling of your insides and you will be sore. For a very very long time.
  7. After you get the vernix-covered baby out, you will need to get the placenta out. This can be done by massaging your very very sore abdomen.

This is the real deal girls. Not the cutesy shit on TV now, is it?

 

BABY GROSSNESS NO ONE TELLS YOU

 

  1. If your baby needed forceps or suction to come out, and a lot do; expect to have a little conehead for a while.
  2. Newborns go through about 10-14 dipes a day. That’s alotta poop and pee
  3. If you have a boy, you WILL get peed on. Guaranteed.
  4. Sleeping when baby sleeps. LMFAO. Get real. You will have bottles to wash, laundry to do, things to catch up on. when you sit down, baby gets up.
  5. Babies wake up A LOT in the night. And want to be fed. You need to be alert and ready for whatever baby wants. Whenever baby wants it.
  6. Spit up will be everywhere. Your hair, your clothes, your skin, quite possibly your mouth. And you will smell like baby spit up.
  7. Cradle cap- its baby dandruff. Rub the head with baby oil, comb the hair and repeat. For however long it takes. It’s actually harmless, but disgusting looking.
  8. The bellybutton- ew. It shrivels up, dries up, and falls out. During that time, it may get infected.

That’s just the BEGINNING, girls. Google “colic”, and “post-partum depression” and “cracked nipples”. Those are always fun!

A baby covered in vernix. With a conehead. JUST about to scream.

Now, here is where these little girls chirp in with “NO, Not me!!! My parents will help me out and do all of this while I go to school, to college, get a job and hangout with my friends!! And my Boyfriend and I will be together 4-Eva, so you have NO IDEA!”

Ahhh. And here is where I break hearts and crush dreams. NO. No, your parents will not be able to be at your EVERY BECK AND CALL as they most likely have JOBS they need to do to support YOU, YOUR CHILD, pay THEIR bills, and no doubt YOUR giant medical bill you racked up under their plan. And HOPEFULLY you will finish school and go to college. and work HARD at it. Let me tell you, any job that pays anything at all is in a few more years, if not already, going to require a COLLEGE EDUCATION. And flippin’ burgers or sellin’ gas ain’t gunna get your baby what she/he needs.

HAHAHAHAHA SOCIAL LIFE?!?!?! Guess what? Your social life just went the way of your virginity. GONE. You may get lucky and have friends that stick by and all that, and they are GOOD FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS. But while your off being an adult and playing house, they are off ACTING THEIR AGE. And who can blame them? Reverse the roles. Would you rather go to  a house party with tons of friends, good music, food, drinks, and total awesomeness, OR sit inside with your friend and her colicky baby all night bitchin’ about bills? Thought so.

And…give me a minute on this next one…. You and your boyfriend forever, huh? Alright, let’s do some basic math:

The average age for men to marry in the US in 28.4 years old

The average age for women to marry in the US is 26.5 for women

And the divorce rate in the US is…..About 50%

So, please tell ME, how 2 TEENAGERS are going to last in a “Forever” relationship when 1/2 of the people a DECADE OLDER THAN YOU (and with WAYYYYY MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE) can’t handle it?? I don’t care if your 15 or 21. It’s VERY unrealistic it will last, as a person isn’t even fully DEVELOPED until MAYBE age 25. So, bringing a baby into something a volatile as a young relationship is really rather irresponsible. I know, because at 19 I did it myself. And I, like you, thought it would be easy. I, like you was wrong. Granted, I LOVE MY CHILDREN WITH ALL MY HEART. But I think I would’ve liked to stay a “child” a little longer. You have all the time in the WORLD. Take it. Run with it. And when you are older, wiser and ready, share all your cool ass experiences with your children.

(Wom)animal Kingdom

5 Sep

As promised…. I present (wom)Animal Kingdom!!

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
Jules Michelet

So, we’ve compared a few types of men in the world to the types of animals represented by the traits they hold in the animal kingdom. It’s only fair to all the Owls and Phalaropes out there to do the same to women. Because, we all know there are many types of us too… So lets begin, shall we??

1. Chimpanzee

This lovely lady right here, she knows JUST what she is doing. Evidently, she also gets better with age as a study by Boston University found. Apparently, according to the study, the male chimps preferred mating with older females of the group. They are more receptive than the younger counterparts to copulation attempts, and when in heat, or “randy” they enjoyed chillin’ with the bros more often. On top of this, they also showed up the other, younger era by sleeping with “high-ranking” members (like, a VIP club in chimp world?) and caused more fights between the dudes over their banging-ness. Which, conforming with the guys at BU, is a good thing. Well, you go (golden) girls! This, (if you haven’t already made the assumption) can only mean a lady-chimp is much the same as:

That's right. Stiffler's Mom. ULTIMATE cougar.

Looks like chimpanzees finally caught on to what highschool boys have been yearning for. Stacy’s mom really DOES have it going on. Think about it and it’s an adolescent boy’s dream: She’s well past the whole “OOOHHHHHH will he call me?!?!” phase, has WAY more knowledge about the world and of life itself, and MOST IMPORTANT to said teenage boy, she knows how to use her equipment, and his.

2. Koala Bear

The koala bear is universally known as being cuddly…and kinda vicious. But that is beside the point. For female attributes, heres this: the female koala bear will stay in its “home tree” if you will for 6 months while the Joey she gave birth to in her pouch, grows fur and claws and can see and all that good shit before it comes out. During this time, she continues to nurture it as if she was still pregnant. But she’s not. for the next 6 months, mama koala keeps baby on her back while tending to tasks such as eating, getting food, all that good-mothering shit. After about 12 months, if the Joey is female, it is mature enough to leave mama and start off on her own. If the joey is male, it will leave, but not go too far from mama. A cute little mama’s boy, if you will. To me, a koala bear likens to this:

NO. MORE. COOKIES. DAMMIT. JOEY!

A  stay-at-home-mom, or SAHM. This woman’s domain is her household. She is the CEO of that place, and DAMMIT no one else. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the little ones. All a days work no fucking doubt, and a hard one at that. Plus side, no office dramatics. Downside, very very little adult time. As the koala stays in her tree, and only ventures out with baby, same goes for SAHM.

3. Porcupine

This little ball of fun right here, well she takes the cake for freaky. A favorite mating technique of the female porcupine is to be doused in golden showers. (for those of you who don’t know what that is, let me kindly refer you to urbandictionary.com) Yep. This is like, R Kelly’s dream pet. When the male pees on the female, it completely seduces her and makes her his lover. This is AFTER 2 males compete by SHOOTING QUILLS that have barbs on the ends INTO each other while biting each other, in a frickin’ TREE, and AFTER she makes him dance for it. Not only does this bitch enjoy urine all over her, she also enjoys a good bloodbath and party beforehand to get her in the zone. Remind you of anyone?

I google image'd golden showers. Not happening, you vile perverts.

Yup, that freaky girl you went to school with and heard all those rumors about. That one night stand that turned into a one month nightmare replaying in your sleep. The one who pulls out the ginormus treasure trove of crazy aids and tools to “enhance your experience”. That chic is a certified porcupine. I’m not talking the occasional whip cream or blindfold or what have you. I’m thinking like, Russian war helmet or Mexican avalanche freaky. And, maybe I speak for myself, but….disgusting. Ugh, moving on.

4. Lioness

Okay, I know we covered lions in the (m)Animal Kingdom. And I did tell myself today, “schettisauce, when you do this, you shouldn’t use repeat animals, its boring”. But I had to for this one, it just fit. The Lioness do a BIG majority of the hunting (work) and after having their subs (1-4 in a typical litter) they seclude themselves from most of the pride until about 6-8 weeks, doing hunting around the area they are staying and only leaving the cubs for that brief period of time, like maternity leave. Once they re-join the group, Lionesses often share the duty of feeding each others cubs while the hunting is done. These clever bitches have a DAY-CARE system. Its like, “Hey Nala, mind watching Junior while I go kill that 3 legged antelope over there?” “Oh, sure thing, girl. Don’t worry, if he gets hungry, he can just suckle in with my 2.” Seriously, that’s pretty cool for a friggin’ CAT. And if you haven’t guessed by now, Mrs.Lion reminds me of:

And when I googled "working mom" a picture of a lioness came up. Huh.

Yes, Mrs. Working Mama. She takes time off to have a baby, when baby is sick and THATS IT. Time away from the office, that is. Like a SAHM, a working mother’s job is never done. Its work life, home life, and maybe if she’s lucky (or maybe not, depending on who you ask), sex life. This is a girl who knows how to hold it down when Fit hits the Shan and she. Means. Business. The “day off” to this particular kind of woman is coveted and not to be fucked with. *HINT: if you happen to love a working mom, whether its your own mother, a relative, friend, or God knows YOUR own lady, get her a fucking spa day before she explodes.* Of course, I may be biased. I come from a working mother, and I am one myself. *HINT: SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, GET ME A SPA DAY!*

5. Red Squirrel

Awww, how cute! A squirrel! MMMHMMM. Dig a little deeper here, and through the power of the internet and infinite reliable sources, we discover that this cute unsuspecting female is one promiscuous bitch. Yes. This little thing can mate with up to FOURTEEN dude squirrels in a single day. Given that the male squirrel is (unsurprisingly) ready and willing for this whenever, when the “opportunity” arises, the female squirrel decides, oh what the hell. I guess playing hard to get skipped this particular species. Before she even goes into heat, this little hussy spreads her scent around like cheap perfume to get the male squirrels prepped for action, so on her big day, she chases down as many as she can find. And the more she finds, the, uh, busier she is. Sound like someone you know??

Well, spraying scent for squirrels is the equivolent of showing an Italian boy you can eat...

The Slut. The Whore. The Hussy. The Pimpette, depending on how you look at it. The red squirrel is basically just a scaled down version of that girl everyone knows who has a reputation for being a ‘loosey -goosey’. I have never really heard of anyone I know doing 14 dudes-a-day, but that ONE DAY for a red squirrel is like a year for a human. So still, fourteen dudes a year even, that’s pretty friggin’ skanky. That’s like needing both hands and one foot. I don’t know, maybe I’m getting conservative. Or maybe its just my age. 14 dudes at 24 is like, a lot. Eh, I’m a prude quite possibly. But at least I know I’m not headed for Maury one of these days…

14 dudes, and not ONE daddy found. That's really happened. And he's shocked.

6. Praying Mantis

Haha, creepy right? And yeah, we all know the whole praying mantis females rip off the dudes heads when they are having sex thing. Its true and it is done some say to increase the amount of sperm coming vigorously, or maybe the bitch is just hungry. No one can agree, apparently. But, what they DO agree on is that the more fit the male mantis is, the better chance he has for survival. Also, it may help if he is submissive to said female. At least for a little while. I’m not entirely sure if anyone will get this next comparison, but extra points if you do!

Maybe they'll all die off in the recession. I doubt it.

That’s right. She ain’t nothin’ but a gold digger. Think about it. Okay, OBVIOUSLY insects can’t like, be ballin’. But I’m pretty fucking sure they need their damn HEADS to get anywhere. The head, is like, the life supply. And what exactly does a gold digger do folks? Takes your (monetary) life. Like, unless you were thinking with your RIGHT head, she takes it ALLLLL. What bitches. Then again, just do like Kanye “we want pre-nup!”

7. Cuckoo Bird

Female cuckoos partake in “brood parasitism”. It’s a fancy way of saying they are that bird from ‘Horton Hatches An Egg” by Dr. Seuss. Basically, this bird will take her egg and lay it in another species of bird’s unsuspecting nest so that she will hopefully raise it as her own. And this is a kinda big lookin’ bird here:

common cuckoo being raised by a reed warbler

Yeah. That big ugly thing that has a face not even his mother can love, is being raised by a bird he could swallow. To top it off, if there happen to be other eggs or baby birds in the nest that are actually related to the adoptive mom, that cuckoo baby will push them out and KILL them. (sidenote I know think I know the origin of referring to crazy people as “cuckoo”) Baby cuckoo has no knowledge of its parents and when it is a grown cuckoo, goes on to do the same thing. Some even get so good they evolved to make their eggs look like the eggs of a bird in the area. Don’t ask me how, I’m not a scientist. But seriously, just up and abandoning babies, huh??

Fucking terrible right?? I feel bad even posting it, but I'm pretty sure he's just an unhappy model for awareness.

Its one thing to get pregnant, go “oh shit” like 95% of us, and think it over and either

  1.  Keep your baby
  2. Abort your baby (not an option for me, ever. But moving on) OR
  3. Give baby up for adoption.

Never never ever should it be an option to just abandon your baby on some porch somewhere. Yes, THANK GOD hospitals and shit have like safe havens where you can drop your baby off if its like, too much. But I’ll be damned if people still continue to just toss tomorrow’s future into the Dumpster like old pizza. Fuckin’ a. That’s a deadbeat mom to me. Also qualifying for that distinction are the ones who will do ANYTHING to free themselves from the constraints of child rearing. Whether it’s dumping ’em off, letting gramma and daddy deal with it, or worse:

Need I say more? Bitch.

8. Polar Bears

 / ©: Peter EWINS / WWF-Canada

I thought maybe we should end this blog on a nice note. Polar bear females. They raise an average of 2 cub a litter. Due to the arctic being so fucking cold, the pregnant female Polar bear digs a “maternity den” underground where there is more heat. Wait… Where is Papa Bear, you ask? Well, silly, he’s off finding another bear to impregnate and leave. Duh. So, Mama Bear gets into the den, goes into a “hibernation” mode, where she lives off her fat stores and stays there with the cubs until spring, when they emerge and she teaches them all about life in the arctic. Mama Bear stays home, takes care of the babies, hunts, teaches them ways of life, and does  frickin’ everything. Because really, who else will? Kinda like this:

My sister, My Mother, and Me. ALL SUPER SINGLE MOMS. ALL POLAR BEARS. There are plenty more like us out there, and we do the best we can, with what we have. Which sometimes, isn’t much, but love is all we really need. That’s some deep Beatles shit to take home with ya, my friends. But it’s totally weird how there are so many links to animal personalities and the human personalities. They aren’t just animals anymore. And its also pretty nice to know that man or woman, the human being is so complex, you can be a mix of any of these things…Like, I could be a gold-digging stay at home mom, or the dude down the block could be a working dad with a desire to be pimpin’ and flossin’ yo. The possibilities are endless. Which is a great thing about humanity. At least not everyone is a doucher!!

(M)animal Kingdom

1 Sep

Men are recognizing that they have been forced to conform to a
very narrow and rather two-dimensional picture of maleness and manhood that they
have never had the freedom to question. ~ Andrew Cohen

Well, Mr.Cohen, do I have some news for you! There are plenty types of man out there. As you will see:

In the animal kingdom, there are many types of males. And in a really eerie way, they liken a lot to the types of males found in the human race. Lets take a gander at the following comparisons, shall we??

1. The Lion

Often referred to as “King of the Jungle”, this guy packs a very large reputation for being, well, king. Like, who wants to mess with a FUCKING lion? Look at that face. It’s all business with this guy. Until you realize the following…

It’s true that a male lion defends his own, when like NEEDED to, and will kill other lions, even younger cubs who stand in his family’s way. Okay, that said. It’s also true that the FEMALE lion does most, if not ALL of the hunting of the family’s meal (and no doubt if they could cook, they would have to do that too) and THEN serves the lazy bastard first, then the kids and herself. Wow. That’s not all. This dude can eat up to 40lbs of food, on average, at the meal. He then proceeds to slip into a slumber for up to 24 hours while digesting. No doubt leaving the lady lion of the house to make sure the children are eaten by other asshole male lions roaming around,being general lion badasses we all hear about, or looking for this dirtball’s NEXT meal. Moving on, a male lion only last about 10 seconds. (and you thought your love life sucked). On the other hand, this dude repeats this ten second man-marathon up to 40 times a day. I’m no Mathlete, but I am pretty certain that’s fairly decent. But the poor bastard can’t muster up enough stamina to last for more than 10 seconds at a time. What a tease. Basically, Simba here is just one hell of a lazy bastard. Sorta like this sweet guy:

Ah, yes. Mr. Fat-Lazy-and-unemployed. Almost like Al Bundy without a job, or Peg Bundy with a penis. Toe-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe. Either way, this dude is a leech. The female in this situation is the one who is making the money, taking care of the children, and keeping the homestead from collapsing. This is the kind of guy who will call you into a room to switch the channel he’s watching, make his toddlers fetch beer, and do ANYTHING to stay planted into the couch cushion he has molded perfectly to every lump in his ass. So next time you think of lions being all majestic and powerful, think of this:

"Be a good boy and give daddy another one. Worry about your sippy cup later"

And, after eating the weight of a 4 year old, dude is out like a light.

2. The Bowerbird

Bowerbird

This birds MO to snagging himself a lady friend is to jazz up his bachelor pad. How they do this? They steal shiny shit that they can find, mix it up with some nice ass foliage and voila! When this fails to fully impress, this dude goes one step farther and will often use a mating call. No, not his own, as his call isn’t very smooth. A Bowerbird will mimic another, more pleasant-sounding call from another, more attractive bird. This bird just basically jacks shit from others to make an impression as one awesome dude. And to top it off, when this all works out and lady bird is pregg-o with his egg-o; she builds her own damn nest. So….he just sorta says wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and be out my house… because I am sprucing it up for another baby mama. Really, just one selfish, immature, and shady kinda bird. Like this fine gent here:

Yeah...None of that is probably his. But if a girl is DTF, then, hey why not?

So, next time a fly mo-fo is walkin’ around, talkin’ all the sweetness in the world to you, flashin’ his Rolex, iPhone, iPod, iPad… iWatchout bitch, cuz this dude wants one thing and one thing only…uPants on hisFloor. This guy is a bigshot toolbait to the MAXIMUM.

3. North American Elk

THAT is one big frickin’ animal. And this comes in mighty friggin’ handy when it comes to mating season. The mating season of a Great American Elk lasts 2 months. (and you thought lions had it bad). TWO months of an ENTIRE year. Damn. So basically, these dudes obviously fight each other to get the rights to boink the pick of the lady-elk. They use their muscle, their horns, whatever they can to score with the ladies. And depending on the swag this bad boy is carrying, he can copulate with anywhere (on average) from 5-60 females a season. That’s like MAXIMUM, a new bitch a day, everyday for 2 months. This is both amazing and disturbing all at once. Sorta like this guy here:

Yep, The Hef. He is a Bull Moose in mating mode, year round.

Do a google search. Just bio Hugh Hefner real quick and see how much tail the internet claims he’s gotten over the years. The guesstimates on the web are probably low. And I haven’t even looked. I would again be intrigued and dismayed.  But, moving on, still have a few more bases to cover…

4. Phalarope

Yeah, it’s a duck…All the other animals were all awesome and manly right? Well, until you dug deeper. A little on the duck: This is a solid stay-at-home dad. Yeah, momma goes off to get food and all that as relative with the Lion, but this guy holds the fort down with the eggs ( he actually motls feathers off his ass or some crazy duck shit for the incubation process- THAT IS DEDICATION, MY FRIEND) and the babies after. Not only that, but the males are monogamous. So while mama duck is out doing whatever it is ducks need to do, daddy duck is being a reliable Mr.Mom. Like so:

I know plenty of ladies who would SELL their SOULS for men like these.

Yeah, the stay-at-home-dad. Many a career driven woman would LONG for one of these. Or a woman who has spent WAY TO MUCH time at home and needs to get back into the adult world before her voice stays preschool perma-high. For some ladies, this is the ULTIMATE GUY. And LOOK! They were even smart enough to make the mess OUTSIDE! The Lion would’ve left the house in shambles while he slept off a mary-jane coma! For others, check out this next dude:

5. Great Horned Owl

Yeah, yeah. Another bird. Not so majestic, or flashy. But he’s got some good traits. For example, the Great Horned Owl supplies his female and his babies with all the food while she stays at home rearing the chickadees. They choose their mates, settle down in a nice tree or old nest somewhere, have a couple of kids who go off, not too far and stay semi-dependant until they have families of their own. Sounds familiar huh? Not unlike regualr ass, middle America’s family?  The Great Horned Owl is this guy in animal form:

works, AND takes care of the lady. Can I get a what-what?!?!

Yes, I admit. I have a definite addiction to finding my own Dan Conner (no, NOT in the looks dept, thanks) and have since I was little and thought this show was REAL. Like, who in their right mind would not want someone as hard-working, and appreciative of all he had as this dude was in the show. The only shitty thing he ever did was die, and then all the weird shit he did after like cheat and run off to California, well that was just made up. *SPOILER ALERT* But seriously, where the FUCK did all these guys go? Jump ship to England or some shit?? Too bad everyone can’t just run around with some sort of symbol depicting their actual perogatives in life on their foreheads. It’d be so much easier.  I will just have to keep looking, though hopefully not forever. ut for now, here’s one more, and unfortunately, one of the most common forms:

6. The Grizzly Bear

Already, you’re probably thinking, okay its a big ass, bad ass animal. How is this guy a dick? Good. You’ve been paying attention. This one takes the cake of being an asshole because of the following: This guy is serial monogamous for a few days, maybe a month. Then all bets are off. He has nothing to do with his female, or the cubs. So, mother cub is rasing the cubs and sometimes the strays. Ok, whatever, see ya when we see ya. When, OH LOOK. Here comes daddy! But, daddy ain’t coming for a weekend visit. No. He’s coming to practice infanticide. That’s right kids. A male grizzly bear will KILL HIS OFFSPRING (or someone elses) to either make the female sexually receptive (since during the time she is raising the cubs, she is celibate) OR just for a quick snack. And no, this isn’t just a once-in-a-blue-moon-crazy kind of thing. This happens so often that cubs will actually FLEE the scene when they spot an unknown male grizzly and their fearless mother who is outweighed about twice will protect them to every ounce of herself. Talk about supermom. If you take the whole LITERAL killing out of this equation, you end up with this right here:

Yeah..No picture of a straight-up deadbeat will grace my blog. Unless I can get him to admit it himself. Besides, the photo I REALLY wanted, I couldn't google or bing. *sigh*

Basically, the “grizzly bear” behavior of a man only hurts his cubs. Not him. Most grizzlies bears do pretty fucking good, considering they don’t have admit to having children to support. Yeah, his behavior hurts the female grizzly involved, if you will, but hell she’s a grown ass adult. She WILL survive and do the best she can as a double parent for her cubs. Okay, yeah, I don’t know many deadbeats who went off and killed their children. Literally speaking anyway. But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t kill each child, just a little to know you packed your bag for nothing. So men out there. Do us all a favor. Strive to be a Great Horned Owl, or a Phalarope. Maybe in your young years, go crazy and be an Elk, or a Bowerbird ( I know I’ve chased a few Bowerbirds in my time). But for the love of all things holy, DO NOT become a Lion or a Grizzly. Because us Lionesses and mama grizzlies? We will find you…..Wahahahahahaha!!!

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