How To Not Look Like A Dummy On The Internet

7 Jun

Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Snapchat. Tumblr .Pinterest. Blogs. Myspace. (is that still a thing?)  Who knows what else. Social media is the heart and soul of most teenagers/young adults in America. Every teenager/young adult (and even adults) I know has at least ONE of these, chockfull of photos, info, thoughts, “friends”, anything. And if you are like most teens, this future generation, this is a bad, bad thing.

like this. This is a bad, bad thing. Now AND later, Just watch.

“OMFG. What is this old hag’s problem?”, you are probably eye rolling at your computer screen. “who caressssss about my tote adorb pics and stuff? Gawd.” Well, future generation of people who will be doing adult type things at some point in the near future; let me tell you who cares.

Me. And the rest of the employers of the world.

we definitely judge everything you post online (you are NOT anonymous) before hiring you. shh.

First of all, there is nothing I LOATHE MORE than seeing some dumb, teenage, trainwreck of half naked selfies, TMI posts, drinking and drug references just cluttering up the internet. Why? Well, frankly, my future leaders and workforce consist of these people, and who the HELL wants Joe Schmoe “smoke it up, drink it down,” or Miss “look like Barbie, smoke like Marley, party like Ke$ha” on the payroll OR someday influencing the minds of their children?

20 years from now: “hey mom! Its my TEACHER!”
No.

No one. That’s who. My general rule of thumb for putting things on the internet:

WWGD. What would Grandma(pa) Do (if they saw this post)?

If this is nonni’s face after scrolling Facebook, you are doing it wrong.

Basically, if are going to post something, think about it. Is it something you wouldn’t care that your parents, grandparents, family, or teachers saw? No. Then whatever. Any hesitation? Do me a solid, and don’t post it. What is even on the internet for like, a literal SECOND, can be saved forever.

I bet this guy’s pops is SUPER PROUD.

But, I don’t know. Maybe some of you are orphans. Or asshats with no empathy for what your family feels. Maybe you are just a stone cold soul, driven by crisp Benjamins. In that case, STILL follow the grandma rule. Why? Well, because bosses are pretty friggin’ picky, THAT’S WHY. Unless you plan on flippin’ some burgers for the rest of your life, pop a squat, and let me tell you what NOT to do on the internet, (because NO , you are NOT anonymous) and WHY.

consider this your ten commandments to the internet. You are welcome.

1) Profile Pic- ok, so the first thing I am going to do as a prospective employer, is look you up on Facebook/Myspce/Twitter/whatever. Nearly everyone on this continent has a Facebook/Myspace/Twitter/whatever. I will type in your name, and hit search. Multiple hits? Not a problem. I will search by location too.

It’s really quite easy. And your profile pic is public no matter what. Even if you block EVERYTHING ELSE.

So, I find you. The FIRST THING I do is check out your profile pic. Why? Well, a book IS judged by its cover, and if you look like you: haven’t showered in a week, shop at Baby Gap, are just plain skanky, would take ten dollas and make me holla, run a weird baby-blood drinking cult, do coke off a VERTICAL mirror, DUCKFACE OF ANY VARIATION, anything racist, sexist, or homophobic, or look like a serial killer– I’m probably going to pass.

Creep-tastic. Catwoman on the loo. Can we all just agree that the bathroom pic should be laid to rest?? Please??? FML.

Seriously, kids— CHOOSE YOUR PROFILE PIC WISELY! And I can click that pic, and go see past ones. So do yourself a favor and delete anything unsavory. Please. This is LITERALLY the first thing I do when I get your name. I will find you. And I will assess you. So, just like, a generic, oh-me-so-happy-face, kittens, babies, the beach, anything that grandma would put on her fridge.

Liam Neeson may be able to find people and kill them, but I will find you, and I will judge your skills as an employee.

2) TMI About You. Yes, there is such a thing as too much information! I do not need to know everything, in fact, NO ONE does, and its just like, ooh. Too much. I like to keep a low profile, and you should too! Don’t go spouting off all your business for the whole worldwide web! Schools, education, family, a little snippet into your life? Super doops. Questionable quotes and interests? Not so much. Like, half the time, an ‘about me’ section is just as public as that profile pic, and social media is CONSTANTLY changing their ‘settings’ so, you gotta stay on top of it. Or you know, just don’t post anything that will come back to bite you in the ass.

This guy. This guy is an example of oversharing. We don’t need to know everything.

3) Drug/Alcohol references- yes, yes, we all love a nice, refreshing drink now and again, and usually it is well deserved. The difference though? Most of us may go out, post a couple of pics, maybe a brief status, but in no way do our Facebook “lives” revolve around the drink. I could be a waste case RIGHT NOW, and my Facebook would not give that away. I don’t want my boss seeing that I’m perma-drunk from 5:30 Friday to 8:50 Monday, you shouldn’t either! Constant drinking, (and worse, drug) references, are not going to get you into that school, or that nice corner office. It’ll get you to AA. Worse than the drinking, though are definitely the drug references. I may partake in the occasional drink, but I don’t do drugs. I don’t have anything against those who do- I mean, it is your life, whatever floats your boat, but people, PLEASE stop putting it ON BLAST on the INTERNET. No one wants to know that you ‘wake and bake’, no one cares that it ‘is finally 4:20’, no one needs to see a picture of your bowl and stash! MMMKAY?! Especially not a perspective employer or school. You will NOT, I repeat WILL NOT be taken seriously, and if they do not catch it, you will just pee dirrrtier than Christina Aguilera circa 2002. Most jobs today that are worth the paycheck, they drug test.

Classy as hell.

4) TMI- again. This also following number 2, goes along with your timeline/newsfeed/tweets/whatever. Don’t be an over sharer. If you have a completely public profile (idiot), or if you get friended by a boss or co-worker, just please, check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self. I don’t even know how many times I have blocked and/or unfriended someone (guys and girls) who just grind my gear, overshare their lives, clutter up my newsfeed. Don’t be annoying Alice. Seriously. NO ONE LIKES AN OVER SHARER.  TMI posts as well, about your school, job, boss, co-workers, teachers, can all land you in between a rock and a hard place.

I’m all for funny memes and ecards, but try not to call your boss out on a public forum. He/She will find out.

5) And finally- proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I get that you are an “individual” and “unique” and blah-blah-blah. But for the love of everything holy, does your phone NOT HAVE AUTOCORRECT?! Does your PC not make green and red squiggles under things that are not correct?! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, convey your thoughts in the proper way. You ‘sound’ like an idiot when every literal thing you post needs to be read through at least twice in order to get the GIST of it. Again with the annoying and unfriending. This communicates to me that you either have: a )no literature or reading comprehension skills, b) you just don’t care. WAT is not WHAT, U is not YOU, etc., etc., etc.  The standard LOL and its family? Okay for me. But seriously, don’t write/type like this, because you will get into the habit, do it on a VERY IMPORTANT paper, and look like a jackass.

Just google image search “facebook spelling fails”. You won’t be disappointed.

But I mean really, people. It isn’t that hard to keep your online self in check. This is literally the list of the top 5 things every boss will check up on in every employee they have. Updating your status on your sick day from the beach and not the couch? Just dumb. Think about you and your stuff as a boss/college would. Is it something YOU would pay on a bi-weekly basis?? No? Guess you have some fixing to do.

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