Tag Archives: cheat

Boys: How To Guide On Becoming A Man

9 Sep

One of my previous blogs was some cold hard truth and reality for the young girls of today’s world. Well, I think its time to give the boys a shot. Now obviously, I have boobs and a bajingo. I am a girl. Woman. So, technically speaking, I don’t actually know the physical specifics on what you do on your journey to that ever glorified manhood, other than things grow and things drop…HOWEVER, being a woman, I do know what a female desires in her Ultimate Man. And, lucky enough for you boys, I am sharing. But be prepared, I will probably take a few shots at your (growing) man-hood.

  1. Social Skills! (And Maturity!)

Being able to be around people is definitely something a boy must master before claiming manhood. And by people, I don’t mean your Bro-mans sitting around a ps3 playing Call of Duty and  circle jerking or whatever it is you do all day. You need to learn what is and what isn’t appropriate conversation with certain people. Nothing is worse for a girl (or woman for the blog, I think I will just go back and forth bear with me) than introducing her new love to her parents/friends/families/co-workers/etc and being completely and utterly embarrassed by some sort of ridiculousness that made its way through his vocal cords and out of his mouth, evading his brain the entire way.

FOR EXAMPLE: You are meeting someone important to your girl.

They Say: Well, how lovely to meet you, I’m so-and-so. How are you?

You DO NOT SAY: “Well, I just dropped the Browns off at the Superbowl and they skidded their way to victory so I’m feeling much better.” (Someone texted me that once. It took a minute, then I realized they told me they just relieved themselves of  a giant shat. Lovely) THIS WILL NOT BE FUNNY TO THESE PEOPLE, (unless they are real ass comedians) AND WILL MOST LIKELY PISS OFF YOUR LADYFRIEND.

You SAY: “I’m fine thanks, and it is a pleasure to meet you.” OR “I’m good, and you?” OR just a “Fine thanks, you?”

And social skills do not stop at verbal competency. You must also be able to PRESENT yourself in a way that says “I’m NOT a Dickweed!” As in: chew with your mouth closed, stop interrupting, farting/burping is NOT acceptable in a common area go to the damn bathroom you barbarian, quit looking at her mother/sister/aunt/friend’s tatas, excessive PDA need not be blasted in front of great grandma, Keep fingers, keys, pens, etc out of your orifices. You can see where this is going. I don’t wanna spell it all out. Use your BRAIN.

This is what NOT to do:

Because that's totally attractive.

Do THIS Instead:

Be Likeable, and for Pete's sake, keep you friggin' mouth closed.

2. Size Apperance DOES MATTER!!

We all know girls love to do the whole ‘look pretty for the guy’ thing. It’s in our nature. I don’t know why, I’m not a fucking biologist, so don’t ask me. I just know it is. So when we spend all this time and effort on us for YOU, do you think MAYBE you could at least change your dirty frat-boy shirt? Run a comb through your hair? Slap on some friggin’ deodorant? I know. Not all dudes are like this. But lets face it- from time to time you could at least DO SOMETHING with yourself. You are not a child anymore, you are striving to be an adult. Some general rules of thumb:

  • Theres a lot of different looks out there (skater, prep, bad boy, gangsta, rocker, what-the-hell-ever) go with what your comfortable with.
  • But don’t be a slob. Stains are out, unless you’re bummin’ around the house together, or like, work a dirty job. But when you go out with beau, be presentable. Grunge can even be done nicely. Tricky, but nicely.
  • Match your clothes, dude. If you don’t know ask your lady friend.
  • Smell. Please refrain from smelling like a fucking jockstrap/dufflebag/gym sock/locker room. Seriously a bottle of Axe is like 4 bucks. And it works well enough.

Yeah, this is tres chic!

3. Be RESPONSIBLE!

Ok, bro. Time to man up. This requires obtaining and KEEPING a job. It’s one thing to get laid off or whatever, but another completely to lose a job and not actively search for another. No girl wants to pay your way for everything. She will (hopefully) want to do things FOR each other, not just be your walking fucking wallet. And please, be a law-abiding citizen. The Bad Boy LOOK is attractive, not the lifestyle. (Girls: for more on the Bad Boy Syndrome, or BBS that most of us unfortunately suffer from, plese view my sister’s blog: http://povertyanddeath.wordpress.com She is a fucking expert on this epidemic.)

Being responsible also goes this way, and probably the most IMPORTANT part of this rule. If you have a major responsibility, like children, TAKE CARE OF THEM. Whether your girl is the mama, or you have a baby mama, BE THERE. This is monetarily speaking and emotionally speaking. Both are equally as important. I know from experience shit don’t usually work out between young parents, I get that. I’M THERE dude. But you are as responsible for that child as she is, after all YOU were needed to help make it. HELL, YOU determined the sex! So seriously guy, buy some fucking Huggies and go throw a ball around. Being a deadbeat will get your ass beat. And hey, here’s some advice: if you have a baby, and don’t feel you can ‘manage’ the responsibility of it, then for the love of all things Holy, STOP PRO-CREATING. It’s scumbags like YOU that give young parents, the guys who try in particular, a bad name.

Mmmhhmmm...You know who you are. And you all sicken me.

4. Treat her like you would want your mom/sister/daughter to be treated.

That’s right. For once, think of your girl as your mother. Or your baby sister (No, not in the sack you perv.) How would you like it if some complete and utter fucking asshole made your loved one do everything for them and the household with no recognition even, feel like general crap about herself, verbally and emotionally abuse her, pressure her into doing things she doesn’t want to do or is uncomfortable with, yadayada. Oh, you’d wanna smash his friggin’ face in, huh, tough guy? Well, then REALIZE that this girl IS someone’s sister, daughter and maybe mother. Maybe YOU’LL have a date with the linoleum. Here’s some tips on how to treat a lady right:

  • tell her she’s beautiful (most effective first thing in am, right before bed, when doing something completely ordinary, such as grocery shopping, and when shes just chillin’ like a villain in those sweats and a sloppy bun)
  • DON’T FOLLOW THE SCUMBAG MANTRA- Lie, Cheat and Steal. Don’t do it. If you feel a need to cheat, break up. If you feel a need to lie, break up, if you just wanna rob the bitch, you deserve your nuts stomped.
  • LISTEN TO HER YOU JACKASS. You should know on past conversations things like her favorite flowers, her best friend from forever, what she REALLY wants to do on a Saturday night. Then act on these observations and do something nice.
  • Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and holidays, or you may die.  But more importantly, surprise her. Random flowers on a random Wednesday just to say you care? OMFG, that’ll melt her insides and guarantee you some sort of “you’re so sweet reward”. Fuck, I prefer those kind of surprises as opposed to Valentines Day. But my gripe with that consumer holiday is for another time.

    They don't even have to be fancy and elaborate. Just show you care dammit.

And lastly, BE YOURSELF. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, it will get you nowhere. And make sure you do the same for your lady. Don’t force her to be someone YOU want her to be, like oh, I dunno, an ex-girfriend perhaps. Because it won’t work and she will resent you for it.

This is my starter’s manual for shaping yourself into a gentleman. All I know is, this is what I go for, and girls I know go for. So its working for somebody…

This guy!

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