Tag Archives: Drunkeness

Teenage Wastedland

13 Nov

Teenagers are fucking booze-blooded geniuses. Perusing a news website the other day I came across an article entitled “Teachers on the Lookout for Laced Gummie Bears”. Now, hold up, wait a minute. First off, 2 of my favorite things are liquor and delicious candy. (In even numbers, of the same color). So OBVIOUSLY, I checked this out. Low and friggin’ behold, these little bastards whose educations I’m paying for, are held up in their BFF Ashley’s bedroom making shottie bears for the killer house party at Zach’s!!! OMFG!!!! Am I miffed? Well, FUCK YEAH. My first thought was not like, “oh god, where ARE THEIR PARENTS”! It was, “well, fuck ME, why couldn’t I think of this? Be all badass Willy Wonka-ing it? Could’ve made a pretty penny, AND been a smidgen more popular. Ugh.”

pssh. I woulda made a GREAT addition.

And, obviously, the news article didn’t take this as holy-shit-thats-the-most-awesome-thing-I-think-a-teen-has-come-up-with as I was. They we’re pretty much all, this-is-horrible-what-are-they-doing? But, they did show a youtube clip, AND made some themselves AND ate the fuckers.  Here’s a clip for an instructional how to. Jazz up that next office party, or church potluck perhaps?

Looks like a fun fucking time. But this then intrigued me to see how teens were getting wasted and inebriated in the days of old…So, I posted the question up on my Facebook to get an idea of just what we all were up to in our glory days….and I got 7 responses. First of all, in the name of research, JOG OFF you people who can’t answer, you are sooo responsible for making my blog less awesome! 😀 But moving on…In the good ol’ days when things were quick and dirttty, this is how it was done:

1. An adult just bought it (3 votes).

2. Put it in water/soda bottles (2 votes, and my personal favorite, you could just drink social studies away and take a quick siesta in chemistry, hitting lunch before you puke!)

3. Drink out of parent’s stash, replace with water. (zero votes, no one is dumb enough to do that. I know my liquor. I KNOW when its been fucked with)

4. Unsupervised house parties (1 vote)

5. and OTHER, to which I demanded a response to, and got 1 vote, and THIS is the story behind how a certain  Isle-Of-WightBoy (yay wordplay!)  got crunked the fuck up:

  • “My ‘other’ method of obtaining alcohol was a friend who worked at a local chain store. He used to wait until they had run their very loud trash compactor (used only once a day because of noise complaints) then hide several crates of beers and a bottle of bourbon in there. At night after closing we would scale the fence and retrieve the booze!! 😉;)

And, hats off to you friend! That is pretty fucking epic in teen bootlegging. Most just stick it in with their playboy under the mattress, in the treehouse or in the sock drawer. Shit, if I turned into a teen again, I wouldn’t even KNOW where to hide shit. I’d be terrible at being sneaky. But gummi bears. Like a portable jello-shot, just bag em up and go. Fuck, you could even get all crazy with it and  do like worms, or skittles, or like, anything. Mmmmm. Liquor Licorice. Goshdamn. YOu can drink the liquor out of a liquor straw. Now I’m thirsty.

Candy? Check.

Booze? Check.

 Happy Drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is done.
Happy drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is DONE.
But, this is all Jenna-In-The-City talking, of course. There is the (marginally) more responsible facet to me (Jenna in the Country) as well who thinks “I will find these kids, give them all a good old Italian back hand to the side of the head, tell them to get back to fucking school I AM PAYING FOR, and I shall eat the gummies while handing out copies of my advice to them: teen-mom-syndrome-scared-celibate for the girls, and boys-how-to-guide-on-becoming-a-man for the little lads.” Yes. That is exactly what I would do. And I would take my wealth of Stoli-infused gummies, share them with my sister (check her out!) on her ghetto-phab porch and make sure we put them up SUPER HIGH. No one likes drunk ass sugar fueled preschoolers in the morning!
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog world domination.
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog-world DOMINATION.
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