Tag Archives: freaky old people

Hey, Ebineezer Screw, Wrap It Up!!!

19 Nov

Recently, 2 disturbing facts have been presented to me regarding our older generation. First: They are having LOADS of intercourse. Being a visual person by nature, this is something that could have been kept out of my mind files. Secondly, the rate of STDs among this population is climbing at a pretty, errr, intriguing rate…eech. Why is this you ask? Well, you can Google, Bing and WIki it to your heart’s content, or you can get MY opinion (which is far more interesting and still fact based). And since this is a MY blog, that is what you are going to get!

So, first off; some definitions from the dictionary of schetti.

Old person (also referred to as but not limited to: geezer, gramps, grams, Capt.Wrinklepuss) noun– someone of an age circa 1940 or earlier. Must qualify for AARP and have on more than one occasion uttered the phrases “when I was your age…” and “kids these days…” Participation in a Medicare plan optimal, but optional.

STD (sexually transmitted disease also referred hereto as but not limited to: trouser rot, clap, ghonno, the itch you can’t scratch, the gift that keeps on giving…) noun– something NO one wants, a disease(s) that wrecks havoc on your porksword and/or ladybit and is or is not curable depending on particular form of said disease. And there are PLENTY to choose from.

Okay skeptics, now your probably calling BULLSHIT because everyone knows that old peeps are just wayyyy more intelligent than us young ass folk. Well, I hate to break you heart (your achy breaky heart- sorry, had to), but here are some cold hard facts. (and some links! Ha!)

  • Older people are less likely to use condoms, both because they don’t consider themselves to be at risk of STDs and because they were never educated that condoms should be part of their sex lives. Hmmm…..sounds like someone didn’t get the ol’ condom-on-the-banana-lesson, did they??ewwwwy.

 

haha, yum. 0_o

  • mid-life crises and on-line dating. Not only do you NOT know the broad your bringing home, you don’t know what she’s “bringing home”.  Should’ve just bought the Audi, huh smartass? Click here for some friggin’ interesting facts.
  • Not using condoms, cuz hey! Can’t make a baby! Again, lack of sex education.

 

You wouldn't be smiling either if you contracted the Clap.

I know…pretty insane. My question was not, “okay, not wrapping it up. Whatever…But how are they GETTING it up?” We’ve all heard the stories about the horrors of turning old and grey, and impotence is a BIGGIE. (ha, or not…) But anyway, it only took about 3 seconds of thinking before I realized:

 

 

Blessing, or curse? I don't know...do you have trouser rot?

Yes indeed folks. Viagra. And lest I forget Cialis, Extenze, Livitra, what-the-fuck-ever. These little pills of potency that are keeping old dusty mattresses arockin’ way past their date of rockature seem (to me and to this article) to be responsible for our little old men and ladies’ pee-pee problemos. The whole damn point of taking drugs like this is to be able to function in an awkward sexual manner, and when you combine this with the facts above (new partners, no condoms, whatever) there is quite the clusterfuck. I mean, you see gramps fillin’ his blue pill script ALL THE TIME at the pharmacy. When’s the last time you saw him pick up a pack of half-baby holders? About as recently as you saw Gramma shopping around for home pregnancy tests, right?

 

Ok, well HERE'S something you don't see everyday.

Well, now you’re surely thinking “Oh my, what an epidemic. What ever shall we do?” Ah, and here is where I come in like Batman following his Bat Light of Justice to save Generation STD.

1. First off, all those pamphlets they like to give the young kids at PP? Well, now coming to a cardiologists office near YOU!

Remember these?

2. When eligible for AARP or any senior discount program, must also enroll in a sex-ed class(on a bi-yearly basis. We know how you all like to forget). And hey, you’ll all be adults, so no fart jokes. (Bonus for the “uppity” type!)

Or, scratch that. Take it with the kids and co-teach history. Give those privileged little bastards a lesson or two in REAL life.

3. When dispensing prescriptions for penis poppers, docs should write “scripts” for Trojans, so Poppa Smurf can discreetly check out at the med counter, without being haggled by the young guns while browsing the selection.

Do yourself and your Louisville slugger a favor, and wrap it up.

That’s basically all I can come up with for keeping the herpes at bay in the retirement facilities. My mind is just still blown over this whole issue. And the fact its such a CLOSETED issue is pretty scary. I mean, we are well aware that Americans on a whole are pretty fat, slovenly and all getting Dia-betties, but AIDS among the Aged? Is there like, a PSA for this? A ribbon? Nope. Just think of all the Golddigging hussies contracting gonnohrea right now, and passing it on to their other boyfriends, who bring it to other people, that get progressively younger and younger until some 18-year-old Girls-Gone-Wild bimbo gets Grampa’s nasty little gift?!(<–here’s my paranoia setting in!!) Good lord, this could go totally Trans-Atlantic!!! So please, to the hippies of yesterday, the cool kids of years gone by: WRAP IT UP. This is one thing you can rest assured we do not want passed along. But, if you do:

 

You can at least send flowers.

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sEXERCISE

25 Aug

This morning, I was sitting on the loo in the bathroom while the kids took their bath and was reading AARP. (yes, the old folks magazine. Gotta say, really good articles though, and most subscribers nationwide. Kudos). I’m just flipping through it and this particular article caught my eye.

‘Sex on the Brain’ by Dr.Mehmet Oz.

First off, I’m totally thinking this article will be about either:

  1. Freaky old people sex and benefits to your cardiovascular system (Dr.Oz is a cardiothoratic surgeon, after all)

                                                     OR

         2.  Dr.Oz’s sex life. (a previous month he wrote an article for TIME magazine detailing his colonoscopy/cancer scare)

So, naturally, having inherited a pervert gene from both sides of my family,  I  read on. The first paragraph details how Dr.Oz still gets all stressed and as he states “pre-game jitters” as he wore a  monitor for 24 hours that measured heart rate, respiratory rate and body temperature, which apparently are all things that get high and such when your stressed. Or jittery. (On a random side note, I think if I were having a MAJOR FUCKING SURGERY I wouldn’t want to know my doctor gets “jittery”. Just sayin’). At this point, I’m all disappointed and thinking that they totally fucked the title, thinking it should be STRESS on the brain, not SEX. But, I persevered. Blah blah blah, after 2 more paragraphs, he gets to the good stuff.

Apparently, the 2 key ways to fight off stress are exercise (borrinnngggg) and sex (yes please!) Exercise increases the cortisol in your brain (sidenote: too much causes strain on the heart, important later) and what not, and decreases anxiety while increases neurogenesis due to an increase of blood to the brain OVER TIME, or some fancy-schmancy Harvard doctor lingo. But that’s boring, and something that’s literally shoved down America’s throat in every anti-depressant and anti-anxiety commercial. They ALWAYS have something to say about exercise.

Heres where the sex came in:

“In a recent animal study, a single sexual experience caused a short-term surge of cortisol, just as exercise does. But MULTIPLE sexual experiences, DAILY over TWO WEEKS reduced the release of cortisol, increased neurogenesis, and decreased anxietylike behavior.”

I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m pretty sure that the sex would out benifit the exercise in reducing stress, as TOO much cortisol can like, make your heart fucking EXPLODE. He closes the article with a yada-yada, exercise in the morning, and leave the night “free for romance” for very healthy rewards.  I guess I can jive with that. Heres an idea, SEXERCISE.

Sexercise (n,v): the act of exercising while doing the nas-tay.

Or, basically, just pulling an “all-nighter”, bang the headboard through the drywall, and cause your neighbors complete awkwardness in crossing paths with you at the mailboxes every day for the rest of your lease. For like, multiple times a day, for multiple weeks. You’ll be the chillest dude(tte) out there. And hell, it’s for your HEALTH for Fuck’s Sake. (Men: here’s a tip: the next time you feel like engaging in some good-for-you sexercise, and your lady friend declines your wooing attempts, just be all, “WOULD YOU LIKE MY HEART TO EXPLODE FROM INCREASED AMOUNTS OF CORTISOL STREAMING IN MY BODY FROM ALL THIS STRESS?! If she loves you, she’ll do it. Wait, that’s your line, not ours. My mistake.)

But seriously, I was wondering why myself and a few other members of my elite circle were so damn crabby, and all the skinny bitches and SuperSluts are always so damn HAPPY. Turns out, we’re just too damn busy for squeezing in thirty on the treadmill, and honest blog, once a week nookie just isn’t cutting it for this bitch. As a result of this article, effective immediately, I am going to make a serious effort to sexercise as often as possible. I believe this will prove all well good with my man-friend.

About to un-stress and de-cortisolize? I think so. Lucky bitch.

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