Tag Archives: hot mess

Generation WTF

18 Jun

I try, being only a quarter century old, to be a “cool kid” still (the jury is still out as to if I ever was one, however, but I digress). ANYWAY, the youth I’ve seen these days seriously makes me just…ill. That’s the only word I can find fitting. Like, this up-and-coming group- THEY are going to be our future leaders and workers? Oh good God, no.

I kid you not…first image under my “today’s teens” search. Awesomesauce.

Seriously, last weekend, with my mother, my two kids and my niece, we went to the fair. You never really notice teens, until you get a whole swarm of them together. What I saw, I should have documented, but I just couldn’t. It was just too ridiculous. Gone, apparently are the days of not being a complete and total douche in public. I think these kids were like, PROUD of themselves, and it honestly made me think “oh, is THIS how my kid will act? NO.”

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GIRLS. THEY ARE BOYS. MIND=BLOWN

The number 1 thing I heard the most today? Swag. As in swagger??

swag·ger

/ˈswægər/ Show Spelled [swag-er] Show IPA

verb (used without object)

1.

to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.
2.

to boast or brag noisily.
verb (used with object)

3.

to bring, drive, force, etc., by blustering.
noun

4.

swaggering manner, conduct, or walk; ostentatious display of arrogance and conceit.

Origin: 1580–90; swag1  + -er6

Related forms

swag·ger·er, noun
out·swag·ger, verb (used with object)
Synonyms 1. See strut1 .
Well, I guess that’s about right. But, is that what they mean by it? I mean, this definition came from dictionary.com, so I almost doubt it. Lets look at urbandictionary.com, shall we?
Yeah, just click that link right there. That is basically what I saw today. Like, a kid said something to another kid, who was wearing ridiculous sunglasses, about “turning his swag walk on”, as they practically tried to use telekinesis via eyeball power to will my sweatshirt off.

First and foremost- QUIT. WEARING. YOUR. SISTER’S. JEANS.

Secondly- I am not sure what “swag” walk is supposed to look like, but half you look like you have scoliosis, not swag. Shit’s not cute, bro.

Exactly what you ALL look like. STAHPPPP ITTTT!!!!

I’m really trying to recall if there is anything comparable to “swag” that we did in school. Sure, we drank, we smoked, we partied- but I think when we were out in public, with parents, elders, small children and NUNS, for GOD’S SAKE, NUNS, (<–sorry about that blasphemy, sisters) we were at least able to TONE THAT SHIT DOWN!!!! Not today, apparently!

Not today, indeed, Dikembe Mutombo. SIGH.

Now, honestly, I think I was more focused on the boys of this generation, than on the girls, mainly because I’ve already discussed them in my teen mom blog, and well, becsause, they weren’t walking around looking utterly ridiculous. I guess the boys just seemed way more obnoxious. But, I got to say. If they are all dressing/acting/walking/talking like that, girls must be loving it.

Like a big old greasy, cheesy swag sammich. MM MM MMMM!

Girls- Please, do me a favor, do us ALL a favor- Get off Tumblr, Whisper, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for like, 5 MINUTES and join reality. When your boyfriend’s pants are tighter than yours, its time to really just let him go. I’m hoping its just a fad, a really, terrible fad, like mullets and acid wash- but those fads didn’t come with the attitude like this:

AREYOUFRICKINGKIDDINGME?!?!?!?! NO. NO. NO. NO.
I can’t even THINK right now. ugh.

That’s right. But I bet swag won’t pay your child support, asshat. I WILL.

It is crap like that right there, that makes me really wonder what the next decade is going to look like. It wasn’t the ridiculous clothes, or hair, or makeup that freaked me out today. It was the straight up, shitty attitude that accompanied it. No respect for anyone around them, or even for themselves, sadly. What happened to being original (or even wearing clothes that like, fit at least)? Seriously people, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! I mean, I look at pictures of myself from ten or more  years ago, and its like, ‘oh holy Omaha, what was I thinking?!’, but I honestly am not sure that these kids will feel the same. They are so self-absorbed and just plain arrogant, that I don’t think a Tiger Punch of a reality check could get their minds right. Honestly, I’m hoping once the real world hits their sorry, mommy-needing asses, that they “gonna learn today” exactly how not to be a complete tool. But until that day, here are some of my thoughts, laid out in great meme form on this “swag epidemic” (you’re welcome) because, this whole topic makes my brain cells melt.

swag is an acronym from the 70’s..

  

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Teenage Wastedland

13 Nov

Teenagers are fucking booze-blooded geniuses. Perusing a news website the other day I came across an article entitled “Teachers on the Lookout for Laced Gummie Bears”. Now, hold up, wait a minute. First off, 2 of my favorite things are liquor and delicious candy. (In even numbers, of the same color). So OBVIOUSLY, I checked this out. Low and friggin’ behold, these little bastards whose educations I’m paying for, are held up in their BFF Ashley’s bedroom making shottie bears for the killer house party at Zach’s!!! OMFG!!!! Am I miffed? Well, FUCK YEAH. My first thought was not like, “oh god, where ARE THEIR PARENTS”! It was, “well, fuck ME, why couldn’t I think of this? Be all badass Willy Wonka-ing it? Could’ve made a pretty penny, AND been a smidgen more popular. Ugh.”

pssh. I woulda made a GREAT addition.

And, obviously, the news article didn’t take this as holy-shit-thats-the-most-awesome-thing-I-think-a-teen-has-come-up-with as I was. They we’re pretty much all, this-is-horrible-what-are-they-doing? But, they did show a youtube clip, AND made some themselves AND ate the fuckers.  Here’s a clip for an instructional how to. Jazz up that next office party, or church potluck perhaps?

Looks like a fun fucking time. But this then intrigued me to see how teens were getting wasted and inebriated in the days of old…So, I posted the question up on my Facebook to get an idea of just what we all were up to in our glory days….and I got 7 responses. First of all, in the name of research, JOG OFF you people who can’t answer, you are sooo responsible for making my blog less awesome! 😀 But moving on…In the good ol’ days when things were quick and dirttty, this is how it was done:

1. An adult just bought it (3 votes).

2. Put it in water/soda bottles (2 votes, and my personal favorite, you could just drink social studies away and take a quick siesta in chemistry, hitting lunch before you puke!)

3. Drink out of parent’s stash, replace with water. (zero votes, no one is dumb enough to do that. I know my liquor. I KNOW when its been fucked with)

4. Unsupervised house parties (1 vote)

5. and OTHER, to which I demanded a response to, and got 1 vote, and THIS is the story behind how a certain  Isle-Of-WightBoy (yay wordplay!)  got crunked the fuck up:

  • “My ‘other’ method of obtaining alcohol was a friend who worked at a local chain store. He used to wait until they had run their very loud trash compactor (used only once a day because of noise complaints) then hide several crates of beers and a bottle of bourbon in there. At night after closing we would scale the fence and retrieve the booze!! 😉;)

And, hats off to you friend! That is pretty fucking epic in teen bootlegging. Most just stick it in with their playboy under the mattress, in the treehouse or in the sock drawer. Shit, if I turned into a teen again, I wouldn’t even KNOW where to hide shit. I’d be terrible at being sneaky. But gummi bears. Like a portable jello-shot, just bag em up and go. Fuck, you could even get all crazy with it and  do like worms, or skittles, or like, anything. Mmmmm. Liquor Licorice. Goshdamn. YOu can drink the liquor out of a liquor straw. Now I’m thirsty.

Candy? Check.

Booze? Check.

 Happy Drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is done.
Happy drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is DONE.
But, this is all Jenna-In-The-City talking, of course. There is the (marginally) more responsible facet to me (Jenna in the Country) as well who thinks “I will find these kids, give them all a good old Italian back hand to the side of the head, tell them to get back to fucking school I AM PAYING FOR, and I shall eat the gummies while handing out copies of my advice to them: teen-mom-syndrome-scared-celibate for the girls, and boys-how-to-guide-on-becoming-a-man for the little lads.” Yes. That is exactly what I would do. And I would take my wealth of Stoli-infused gummies, share them with my sister (check her out!) on her ghetto-phab porch and make sure we put them up SUPER HIGH. No one likes drunk ass sugar fueled preschoolers in the morning!
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog world domination.
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog-world DOMINATION.

Octogenarian Eagle

9 Nov

Graphic tees. Embellished hoodies. Extra-low-rise hip huggers. Lace camis. Aeropostale. American Eagle. Hollister. Abercrombie and Fitch. All really popular in this town with all the high school kids, college kids and twenty-somethings. But when is old TOO OLD for this kind of thing? Thats something I’ve been trying desperately to find out, seeing as though all of the above noted styles and brands can be found within my closet and wardrobe.

I WISH my closet was this organized. Or even this size.

But, alas, I can Google and Bing search all my heart desires, and I’m just not going to get any clear-cut answer on when I should trade in Aero for Dress Barn. Some say 25-28, others say 30, some are still 40 and rockin’ the graphic tees with the brand splashed all over so EVERYONE can see that YOU. ARE. THE. COOL. KID!!! I asked this question to a few friends who are all about my age. By 25, one will cease to buy the graphic tees that are always on some sort of ridiculous sale, but continue to purchase polos and jeans. One friend is already trading up and looking at blazer shopping. (I may buy him a pipe, and some slippers) I settled on TRYING not to buy the super cute graphic tees anymore and all that by the time I am 25. I do not want this to be all I own or even know how to shop for when I’m say, 40-50. So, I guess I’ll leave it up to the manufacturers and base the age range off the models they use??

There you have it. Aeropostale, American eagle, Hollister Co, and Abercrombie and Fitch. Based upon the “age-look” of the models, I can wager comfortably that I can hold more liquor than any of them. Combined. and when you image search, you get a TON. I even looked for some of older people, maybe dressed in like, business casual? Nope.

Now, lets search for some old lady looks: we’ll go to Dress Barn, Talbots, CJ Banks and TogShop.com. Just for fun.

            Foxcroft Striped Shirt

All really beautiful older women dressed really nicely. One might call them MILFS. But seriously, none of these are in the age range of 28-35. Which, until I can come across the Fountain of Youth (or get hit by a bus), I am destined for. So I did a clothing reconnaissance mission recently. At our dinky little hole-in-the-wall mall, there is a great new store. Vanity. (Awesome!!! One of the seven deadly- my number one store…hmm) I was perusing the racks before a late night shift and these people follow you around like your last name is Kardashian and you have the money of a Hilton. I’m talking like, holding my shit, gophering off for sizes, securing my OWN private dressing room until I SAY I AM DONE. Shoooottttt. And they seem to make there jean sizes a little smaller for us delusional divas. I love, love, LOVE this place. And not too badly priced, I’d even go as far to say I would spend less there than at Aero. Fuck. Not to mention, we also have the fall back Old Navy, which really does has something for everyone.

Look 3

From Vanity. Theres like, 3 looks here. And she's not branded all over like a choice cut of Angus. Nice.

Yeah, yeah yeah…”she doesn’t look 28-35!” Well, neither do I, but someday soon I sure will and I need to stop dressing like a sorority sister and more like the adult I *gulp* am. Thats still cute as hell, and totally acceptable office wear. And they have a “style that works” section for those of us who get called to HR because of fucking ae and aero (and girls on haterade) more often than most, AND a student ID discount of 20% off in-store (!!!!!! Thats like 20cents to every dollar!!!!!!!!).

Addendum to previous pic: I WISH my closet looked like THIS.

I’m hoping this little rave of the fun,  cute-yet-not-miley-cyrus-store hits home for some of the people I see on a frequent basis. Not so much guys, and although some wear the 4 mentioned teen brands well past there welcome, there’s just A LOT OF BITCHES out there shopping in their daughters’ closets. I mean, if your 35 and look like your 20, go girl. Shit. But if you’re 35 and you look like you’re 45, its time to let it go. It’s not coming back. And since I’m 24 and can one day look 30 and the next look 18, the jury is still out on my “age” at 35. I need to be prepared to not look like this:

 

short-shorts and a see-through top. Classy, but even more so at 45.

 A general ass-ho. Nope. I would prefer not pick up my child from soccer lookin’ like that. The shoes though? I will keep my shoes.( Always.) I’d prefer to be a money-making lady with style, such as this:

 

I could do this Monday-Friday. But the weekend? I don't know if I am mature enough.

 

But I can breathe a little more calmly after this clothing adventure as I know now where to find some duds to look good, and can rest easy at night knowing I still have a good 6 years in me to be a part-time hot mess, when the time, money and babysitter arises. Unless I get hit by that bus.

Don’t Stop Believin’

22 Sep

…a mantra for the hard times, indeed. Currently, I am trying to be a little more Zen with my life. And hows that working out, Schetti? Well, I’m basically trying to go from THIS:

 

 

FML!!!!!!!!!

…..To THIS:

 

 

 

LML. Cuz who DOESN'T want to lay out in some grass all day??

 

For someone such as myself, this involves some strategic planning. For one thing I’m taking a psych course, basically about managing your life, learning about all the life stages and how to deal. The book is called “I Never Knew I Had A Choice” by a couple of hippie folk. And not to mention my teacher is totally bananas over Star Wars, and uses it as examples…ALOT. So far, the only thing I disagree with is the “fact” that I am Bi-Polar due to these factors, IN THIS ORDER: 1. have a sucky way of using defense mechanisms, 2. had a TERRIBLE childhood (ok…so saying I’m bi-polar because my mommy was mean…isn’t that like, projection- a defense mechanism being used in the wrong way? Thought so…) 3. Hereditary (Yeah, like number one on my own personal list, but whatever) and THEN 4. A chemical imbalance. (hmm. okay, this may be number one, considering meds fix imbalances, not who your relatives are…) SO, ANYWAYS, Jedi-Professor is on to a few things and I shall keep those in mind while just kind of tossing ot the rest. Like, I will objectivly look at mistakes in my past and use them as a tool to not make the mistake again. Don’t want to repeat the dreaded Anakin-Vadar cycle!

 

 

My mistakes will NOT follow me. I repeat, my mistakes will not follow me.

 

On top of fancy-schmancy pysch course, I will be checking in with the shrinkie-doo and the therapist lady more often. FIRST of all, school is taxing, work is taxing, having to be to school everyday cutting on work time, now cutting on checks is PARTICULARLY taxing. NOT to mention it is FALL. Jenna in the City (the productive one, to a point) HATES FALL. With an unrelenting friggin’ passion. Fall relocates Jenna in the City/Small Town to the Country, then to the Boonies, then to a Shack In The Woods, not to emerge until like, almost December. Being a hermit will most definitely put a damper on my ambitions and drive to succeed. Can’t go having that. Considering, hit mid-October and its mid-term-a-palooza. Woo. They won’t have all the answers, but my therapist most definitely knows how to get shit accomplished!

 

 

Like Lucy...But more...HELPFUL

 

And the ever-present power of Blocking. Yes, in this day and age, it is totally within your capability to block drama. Well, social media drama. Not ONLY can you just click a button and become non-existant to someone, change your phone number, and basically fake your own demise in their life without so much as a face-to-face “sod off”, but you can do it from the comfort of your own home, in your undies, or even your fake ass. Whatever floats your boat. And BOOM! Its gone! All is erased from memory like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Oh, someone wants to write SKANK LMAO, with about 475 LMAO’s they probably pecked out with one finger while the other was jammed up a nose diggin’ for lost gold? BLOCK. Oh GAWD, THIS girl again with her CONSTANT updates that are so annoying it makes my eyes tear up and burn? BLOCK. Or, maybe just “restrict”, so if you still would like to keep in touch, just don’t need all the drama of real-world Judas’s or play-by-play of someone’s entire wordly existance. This handy tool in itself has saved me a bundle on high blood pressure meds.

 

 

Every Assholes' Kryptonite.

 

Getting sleep is also coming in on this list. I will also add to that a balanced diet. Between studying all night, work, school, wanting to be home, and cleansing myself of ridiculousness, I don’t think I’ve been able to clock in much sleep, (at least GOOD sleep) get up early enough to function properly. And for the past couple of days I have sustained myself on coffee, Coke Zero, candy corn, half an enchillada, and a tuna fish sandwich. For two days. No wonder I’m a fucking zombie.

 

 

Must. Have. Sugar... Hey, if I keep it up, I will at least have an awesome Halloween costume.

 

So JenniSchetti’s guide for Zen-cess:

1. Find an Obi-Wan or Yoda of your own, and take the good ideas from them and their hippie book. Not only will you learn about yourself, you’ll learn how to deal with others. Bonus.

2. If you have a therapist (in this day and age, everyone could use one) utilize him/her and TALK honestly. Because if you ain’t honest, they ain’t helping. THEN what the hell are you paying for?? And for Pete’s sake, if they suggest meds, take them. Denial is the biggest battle. You WILL feel better.

3. Keep your friends close, and your enemies blocked. Quite frankly, it is a sucky situation to have someone slander you on a public forum to hundreds of people you don’t know. So heres the solution. Report it, stick up for yourself, and then block those bitches. Because once they get done typing something REALLY NASTY about you, then your refute and they type something even longer and more asshole-ish and get something cool that pops up that says this can not be sent….Ohhh, will that STING.  Its you giving them a virtual bitch-slap. Like the eqivolent of walking away from a ridiculous arguement. REALLLLYYYY hard to do sometimes, with some subjects, but once you do it, you feel soooooo much better. Trust me on that one. Caution: this route entails at LEAST restricting mutual friends who you have a gut feeling that are Judas. And it’s gotta be done, or these people can still delve into the life you “technically” booted them out of (<— pun INTENDED)

4. For the love of God, sleep and eat. Or you will just be up at 2am scrounging up some high-cal snack. (2 layers of cake with buttercream and fondant, anyone?) 6 hours of sleep is probably sufficent. I know if I sleep to little its TORTURE and I’m groggy, then awake, over and over and if I sleep too much, I’m in a fog. Watch what you eat. If I don’t have at the least one coffee a day, I have a migraine. Its a caffiene addiction. But eating a $1 bag of candy corn throughout the day? A sugar crash waiting in the wings. Not to mention early onset diabetes. Now theres some stress for you!

So be like Journey, and believe you can be all zen with your universe, young Jedi!!!

Yeah…so the message isn’t exactly about being “zen” I suppose, but I needed an excuse to post my theme song.

Jenna in the Country, Jenna in the City

27 Aug
Like a diamond, my personality has many facets. There are so many sides to my little meatball self, you never really know what you’re going to get, which stems at least partially from the whole 24 and crazy like a fox thing. But I have two distinct personalities. I like to call them Jenna In the Country, and Jenna In the City.
 
 

Lets explore Jenna In the Country:
  • Jenna In the Country is a SUPER CHILL girl. Likes to sleep, take bubble baths, relax at home, be all domestic and shit. Jenna In the Country enjoys walking around outside in bare feet, doesn’t mind working, but would MUCH RATHER be at home. This version of myself, being a “chill girl” is not all hyper and talking-a-million-miles-per-hour-with-a-SHIT-TON-of-voice-raisings. No. This is one mellow chic, and honestly, a little bit on the downer side. Doctors and Therapists would refer to this as “depressive”. Country Jenna gets throughly ENRAGED at the idiotic drivers on the road in town and swears off cities, small and large, for all of her life. She is mainly anti-social, and if stuck in this mode for too long, becomes a hermit and meaner than a one-eyed cat who had his tail singed on the stove. It literally goes from this:

 
 
 
to THIS:
 
 
 
 

In no set period of time whatsoever. Any little thing could possibly tip the scale once I’ve been in the “Country” long enough. At that point, ALL I want to do is shack up with a bunch of dustbunnies and hide out in a cabin in the woods until the apocalypse. Not cool. Which leads me to:
 
Jenna in the City. This Jenna is completely boss. Wicked outgoing, funny and witty as hell, life of the party, a flirt (Jenna in the City totally snagged the BF by the way) and absolutely HATES to sit around and do nothing. Jenna in the City lives off of no sleep, and lots of coffee and/or energy drinks. She is loud, talks a MILLION MILES AN HOUR with a voice ranging from loud excited teen to OH MY GOD IS THAT A FRIGGIN HYENA?! Literally, people who are in close contact to this Jenna have been known to carry around ear plugs. As with Jenna in the Country, this version also has downfalls. She gets wound so fast and so tight, the world is not going fast enough to keep up. This results in a very temperamental Jenna who is snappy and ragey. Until of course then the world stops spinning. Then we go from this:

                                                                                                                                                                                     
 
 
                                                                                                                                                                                         To THIS:
 
 
 

In again, a uspecified amount of time. I can go from the life of the party to flat on my face in SECONDS. All it takes is a butterfly effect of some random small thing occurring and BAM! I’ve been socked in the face with cold hard reality and uppercutted by life and left in the rain to weep by drama. Fuck me indeed.
 
And therein lies the dilemma, folks. IS THERE a happy medium for someone who’s so different from themself? Indeed there is. And it comes in the form of a handsome, awesome, super intelligent, supportive awesome (did I say awesome?)  boyfriend husband who loves me bunches!. He helps me relax, maintain CALM, COOL, and COLLECTED, and remain chill yet fun. At times I’m a little “Night of the Living Dead”-ish after marathon shifts at work, but that to me is better than crazy-head-shaving-weilding-an-umbrella-at-people type of gal. Not that it wouldn’t be kind of fun, given the circumstance, but still. So, even though my sides have their share of ups and downs, this is the best of both worlds is the one I like best. Jenna in the Small Town. Which looks like this:

Cool as Cucumbers! ❤

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