Tag Archives: men

Equality to All, and to All a Good Night.

28 Jun

EDIT:::

this blog entry came into my timehop today, 1 day after the historic supreme court ruling that ALL Americans in ALL states have the right to marry the one they love. also note I’ve become way more politically involved and am fully democratic and have burned my republican registered voter card at my Colbert/Stewart shrine. I mean, what?  ah, young ignorance.  *shudders*

**sashays all over the place throwing confetti**

 

 

Gay marriage has, at this date and time, been allowed in California (as it is in some other states) and it has also been declared that same-sex couples shall be granted the same federal benefits as hetero-couples, per the Supreme Court.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait…why should this have even been an issue??

Has me swinging too, man.

Here’s my background (it will make my point I promise)- I am a 25 year old, white American woman, registered republican (though I vote democrat- rebel, I know) from JEFFERSON COUNTY, NEW YORK (not exactly liberal- google it), married with children, semireligiousish (baptized Methodist but very familiar with Catholicism as well, fyi), with a pretty ok set of morals, I support rights of citizens, to include the 2nd amendment, I shoot guns for fun (at targets, you neanderthal), I drink rum and coke as opposed to frou-frou drinks with umbrellas, I am usually home in bed by 10 on school nights, work my life away, and am going to school to be a teacher. OH! I am also an organ doner. (don’t let my landlady know- she is creepily obsessed with my eyes.)

Just your average little white lady.

Everything I am, on paper at least, SCREAMS opposition to equality and gay rights. Because the ONLY arguments to it that I can find either have something to do with religion, morals, the “gay agenda”(<–what??), procreation, and the denial of either a mother/father to a child. But guess what? I am NOT against gay marriage, regardless of what my on-paper profile may say. I have many friends, family members, and friends that I consider family that are homosexual, bi-sexual, asexual, trans-sexual, pan-sexual, and it really GRINDS MY GEARS and OFFENDS me that they, many of whom are in more committed relationships than like, 85% of the straight people on my Facebook page.

JUST SAYINNNNNNN.

So, in light of the recent awesomeness of the Supreme Court, and in support of my LBGT friends, I am about to drop rebuttals on all of these “gay marriage is bad” arguments, like in the best way I know how. Through my wit, humor and mad meatballiness.

Prepare for knowledge bomb drop. I’ll wait……………………………………

Here it comes!

OK, first argument- Gay marriage is against God.

please show me where it says this. that God is against gay marriage.

People use this argument all the time. Like, it is used as LITERALLY number one, and when rebutted, they come back and keep it coming. So, I guess to keep this a blog and not a novel, I’ll take that most popular points and shoot ya down, mmkayy?

So, in the Bible, it says this regarding homosexuality:

Leviticus 18:22 – Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 – If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.

BUT! The Bible ALSO SAYS THIS:

Leviticus 19:27–  “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.” (no haircuts!)

Leviticus 19:19 – “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” (no cute clothes)

Mark 10:11-12, –And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'” (well, multiple married people….)

Proverbs 29:15– The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (children need to be hit and not think for themselves??)

My point is THIS. The Bible says A LOT of things. I should know. I went to religious release, Sunday school,  church camp, CHURCH itself, and have read it cover to cover MULTIPLE TIMES.  IF you are going to go full ham on ONE TOPIC, and use that as a basis for WHY something should not exist, under any circumstance, you need to stop throwing stones, get out of your glass house, off your high horse, and scrub the black off your pot, because you friend, are a HYPOCRITE. At this moment my shirt is 45% polyester, 55% cotton, and I ate pig for dinner. I cannot judge the lifestyle or relationships of a person based on verses in a Bible, when I do not follow said verses to a T myself. What DO I follow in the Bible then? Well, the teachings of Jesus and to love your neighbor, do unto others, HELP people in need, and hey- DO NOT JUDGE. I am not the one to judge others, that is not my job. That is God’s job right? I think he can handle it.

How is this even one bit right?? HOW? ..waits…

God and marriage point two (or morals, I guess, its almost the same, really)- so if marriage is between a man, a woman, and God, does that mean Atheists and Agnostics can’t marry? I don’t see anyone picketing THEIR marriages, and THEIR rights…And I know of people who identify as either Atheist or Agnostic and I have never heard anyone up in arms about them marrying…To further my point, my husband and I were married courthouse style, with our parents and whatnot there, and I didn’t give any of my money for the marriage license fee, or the cost to get married to the church…I gave it to New York State. NEW YORK was PAID for ME to get MARRIED. So this whole, gay marriage thing? If you factor in what we paid PLUS the cost of a “REAL” wedding (that we will still have, hopefully)- that is A LOT of cash flow, a LOT of business, A LOT of economic growth. Shit, a dress can be like, $3000 on AVERAGE. That’s ONE HUNDRED times what mine cost!

I googled atheist marriage…I can’t tell…can you?

Point two- Gay people only want to make others gay, and will do so by encouraging their lifestyle!

So dangerous!

What??? Ok. First off, who do you think BREEDS gay people? They are not aliens. LBGT people are BORN, not made. I’m sorry- but every person I have had this conversation with says something along the lines of “Would you CHOOSE to be constantly ridiculed, harassed, tormented, beat up, and discriminated against? NO. I was BORN THIS WAY”. So THERE. They aren’t doing this whole “ooh, I want to be a lesbian this morning, strain ties with my family and friends, be discriminated on, and fight for any right, EVER” thing because it is FUN and to mess with you. JEEZE. Straight people MAKE gay babies, just like we make white babies, and black babies, and redheaded babies, and ugly babies. Shit happens, people. I for one know that if any of my spawn should come out to me, I hope to God that they are in a much more tolerable world for one, and for two, I will love and support them no matter what. Besides, I will probably already know, my Gaydar is LEGIT.

three things I love: glitter, rainbows, and protesting. SIGN ME UP, I will march with you.

Argument three- it goes against procreation, we must marry to procreate.

Actually….no. I sure didn’t (which, would technically be a no-no to God, right?) And I know married couples, and people in general who cannot procreate. So, should THEY not be allowed to be married? Should THEY have rights taken away? NO, they should not. Straight childless couples are entitled to all of the same rights and privileges as straight married with children couples. So what is the difference? IN FACT, I will go so far as to argue this point- a homosexual couple cannot produce a ‘surprise’ child. There is NO unwanted child in a gay household. These children are brought in with love, and a WANT, and often times a HUGE expense (be it adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate, whatever) and discrimination as well, not because mommy got knocked up and kept the kid, and then hates and resents it.

point.

Last point I have (for now, at least)- The permanent denial of a mother or father.

So, like Full House?

BOLSHEVIKS, I CALL BOLSHEVIKS!!!

I know PLENTY of children, who through no fault of their own have grown up, and become a productive member of society without a mother, or without a father. Be it because of a dead parent, a deadbeat parent, or a single person having/adopting a child, it is not that rare. See, most people have FRIENDS and FAMILY who can play supporting roles in a child’s life. For example, a grandpa or an uncle can make a great father figure, as could a grandma or an aunt be a good mommy role model. Even without it though, a kid WILL NOT be permanently damaged by the absence of a parent. This is a risk, not a guarantee, just as it is with kids in the perfect household.

Oftentimes, these kids are SAVED from lives lived in foster care and orphanages. Given up by STRAIGHT PEOPLE

So seriously people, GET WITH IT. As a history freak (and history minor), I will tell you straight up I see this turning out much like the civil rights did. We will progress, and in 40 years seeing two very happy women strolling hand in hand down the street will be no more shocking to you than seeing a black person and a white person together. (Well, for MOST of you, anyways. Some of us still have some catching up to do). I mean, really. Do you want your grandkid to crack open his history book and see this:

“hey….is that grandpa?!”

Because it looks an awful lot like this:

I bet this appalled you. Why doesn’t discrimination against lgbt??

Weren’t we all taught the golden rule? Not to judge? To treat others fairly? Why does that go out the freaking window when someone doesn’t conform to your standards? Please, comment and  let me know.

I’ll be waiting.

This is me. Waiting for you to disprove anything I just said.

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Girl Power

13 Jun

If I were a boy, I would be the PRETTIEST BOY IN THE WORLD. That’s right folks. Without a DOUBT, I would manscape, cover blemishes with concealer, MATCH my CLEAN clothes, file and clean my nails (hint hint, hubby), get my hair done at a salon, and maybe even rock a little rouge. Who knows. All I know is, I would be this guy:

 

 

Legend…wait for it….DARY.

 

 

That’s right. I would be Barney Stintson. THEE ladies man. THEE alpha-bro. I would be the guy that wouldn’t need a wingman, but just took one out of courtesy. Why would I be a Pretty-Ricky? Well, because, things like body hair, and sweat, and just gross-guy-ness disgust me.

 

 

ohmygawdno. no.no.no. *shudders*

 

 

Now, obviously, this is ME, and not YOU. Go be all hairy and proud, you beast, but don’t expect a hug, man. I’m just saying if I were a GUY, I would be a very meticulously groomed guy. I would have to be. Thanks to my genes, I have to be NOW and I’m a WOMAN for Pete’s sake. I can’t go more than a week without waxing something. Could you imagine if I was a guy?!

 

 

Dudes, it really DOES hurt, but eventually you will get used to it. Buck up, buttercup.

 

 

No way, Jose. I’m glad I am a female. And yes, I know ladies like to gripe during “that time of the month” that they wish they were a dude. But no. No you don’t. I will take my crazy mood swinging, ice cream eating (thank GOD for the store’s deal this week, let me tell you), husband missing, lifetime watching, biological clock ticking, (just kidding- that needs to be fixed), cramping, crying, lazy, fat girl, Aunt Flo issues for a week every month (minus about 18 or so HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY) for the REST OF MY LIFE, over having to be a hairy guido dude ONE DAY.

 

 

ok. white sheets AND undies?? Someone’s a risk taker.

 

 

My point is this. Girl-hood and Woman-dom isn’t so bad ladies. I mean, hell, honestly, would you want to be a man for one day? I mean, yes, we do have to put the extra effort in when we preform hygiene and dressing, but honestly, most guys who make you get all high-school girly do too…

 

 

I promise you, he did NOT wake up looking like this. That took effort and man-scaping.

 

 

And there are bonuses to being a lady, after all. I mean, here’s my top favorite things about being a female:

 

 

  • Dressing- I don’t know about you, but I. LOVE. TO. SHOP. And dress up, and be a cute little meatball. Guys really don’t have much of a selection of, well, anything to wear. Think of all the cute clothes and accessories you would be lacking in your life, if you had a porksword.

 

think of all the closet space? sigh.

 

 

  • Getting your way- this one is about to get a lot of flak, I can FEEL IT, but guess what? I . DON’T. CARE. (its my blog, so neener-neener) Yes, women have come a LONG WAY since the 20th century. YES, woman can do everything a man can. Yes, yes, yes. BUT, even with all of this progress, I can  USUALLY get: out of a ticket, a little sympathy at work, assistance with homework, or work assignments, out of hard labor tasks, waited on, doors opened, seats pulled, the bill paid, by simply having a bajingo. And at least I have the balls to admit I like it this way.

 

take note: doesn’t work so well on lady cops. SIGH.

 

 

 

  • Pretty-fied: Average dudes really would get a lot of harassment for covering their blemishes, concealing dark spots and fine lines, having their nails and hair done, anything that would make them concerned about their appearance and “feminine”. I know for a FACT if I was a guy, I wouldn’t want to have to walk around with a pizza face when there are products RIGHT THERE at the store that can help cover it while the medicine does its job. And quite honestly, the more I see younger guys on social media apps, the more I think that celebrities looks affect them too. They notice a guy is “perfect”, just like girls do. But them using products is “wrong”. Bullshit. I mean, it may seem like a hassle to shave, wax and put the face on, but shoot, I feel way better when I do it. I don’t really care how narcissistic and self-centered that sounds, admit it to yourself RIGHT NOW ladies, that if someone took your razor and mascara away, you might cry. Just imagine if you were a dude who didn’t fit the standard and THEN got harassed for trying to use products, like tinted male moisturizer. Not so fair, is it?

 

maybe i’m just anti-feminist, maybe i’m behind on the times, but this is what I feel like when I don’t put my makeup on. if I was a guy, good god.

 

 

 

  • Music/Movie tastes: As a girl, I can have tastes in music ranging in everything from Metallica to Taylor Swift, Aerosmith to Ke$ha, Biggie to Britney. A guy? NOt so much. A guy admitting he owns the new One Direction or Justin Bieber CD, would be like, social death. But a girl? Totally ok. Actually makes her “cool”. Same with movies. A girl watching gore, sci-fi, comedies, chick flicks? Normal. A dude in line for the new Nicholas Sparks movie? His girl better be in the bathroom…

 

QUICK! How many guys do you spot at this concert? …yup…

 

 

 

  • The gift of life- I suppose that this is actually the most selfless, and my favorite part of being a lady, therefore I saved it for last. There is nothing on this whole earth that makes me feel as complete and as happy as my children. I never felt better about myself than I did when I was pregnant, even if I was puking non-stop, had swollen feet and stretch marks all over. I wouldn’t trade a second of my time as a mother-to-be or as a mother for anything in this world. I’m not saying I want to be an octomom, or have nineteen kids and counting, but babies are the one thing I can do right, and so help me god there will (hopefully) be more, when, you know, I get my husband back. (and if I didn’t have such issues during my pregnancies, I would LOVE to be a surrogate for someone, but I can’t.)  And yes, yes, you do need a man (or man genes) to complete the process of conception, but from there on out, its all on the momma. The fact that your body can SUPPORT and GROW another WHOLE LIFE is just, like, amazeballs. You should be proud of that, if you’ve had the opportunity to do so.

 

Seriously no better feeling in the whole world. And, like, I’ll have a GREAT mister this time, whaaaattt?!?! SCORE. I’ll be like, Pam and Jim happy, shoot.

 

 

 

I’m not a guy, so I mean, I can’t really tell you how a dude’s perspective might differ, but I mean, this whole “double standard” thing we bitch about? Yeah, but not really. They can have it rough too. Guys are expected to be tough, rough, and handsome, at ALL TIMES. This is not an option. They can’t CRY. Never a moment of weakness, never fretting about their appearance. No thanks. I’ll take my cramps and ice cream, post this, get on Facebook and look at all the cutie pie babies, then watch some chick-flicks. I’m all good with that, and all the parts of being a girl.

 

 

Oh come on. Look at the title. You HAD to know this was coming.

Hey, Ebineezer Screw, Wrap It Up!!!

19 Nov

Recently, 2 disturbing facts have been presented to me regarding our older generation. First: They are having LOADS of intercourse. Being a visual person by nature, this is something that could have been kept out of my mind files. Secondly, the rate of STDs among this population is climbing at a pretty, errr, intriguing rate…eech. Why is this you ask? Well, you can Google, Bing and WIki it to your heart’s content, or you can get MY opinion (which is far more interesting and still fact based). And since this is a MY blog, that is what you are going to get!

So, first off; some definitions from the dictionary of schetti.

Old person (also referred to as but not limited to: geezer, gramps, grams, Capt.Wrinklepuss) noun– someone of an age circa 1940 or earlier. Must qualify for AARP and have on more than one occasion uttered the phrases “when I was your age…” and “kids these days…” Participation in a Medicare plan optimal, but optional.

STD (sexually transmitted disease also referred hereto as but not limited to: trouser rot, clap, ghonno, the itch you can’t scratch, the gift that keeps on giving…) noun– something NO one wants, a disease(s) that wrecks havoc on your porksword and/or ladybit and is or is not curable depending on particular form of said disease. And there are PLENTY to choose from.

Okay skeptics, now your probably calling BULLSHIT because everyone knows that old peeps are just wayyyy more intelligent than us young ass folk. Well, I hate to break you heart (your achy breaky heart- sorry, had to), but here are some cold hard facts. (and some links! Ha!)

  • Older people are less likely to use condoms, both because they don’t consider themselves to be at risk of STDs and because they were never educated that condoms should be part of their sex lives. Hmmm…..sounds like someone didn’t get the ol’ condom-on-the-banana-lesson, did they??ewwwwy.

 

haha, yum. 0_o

  • mid-life crises and on-line dating. Not only do you NOT know the broad your bringing home, you don’t know what she’s “bringing home”.  Should’ve just bought the Audi, huh smartass? Click here for some friggin’ interesting facts.
  • Not using condoms, cuz hey! Can’t make a baby! Again, lack of sex education.

 

You wouldn't be smiling either if you contracted the Clap.

I know…pretty insane. My question was not, “okay, not wrapping it up. Whatever…But how are they GETTING it up?” We’ve all heard the stories about the horrors of turning old and grey, and impotence is a BIGGIE. (ha, or not…) But anyway, it only took about 3 seconds of thinking before I realized:

 

 

Blessing, or curse? I don't know...do you have trouser rot?

Yes indeed folks. Viagra. And lest I forget Cialis, Extenze, Livitra, what-the-fuck-ever. These little pills of potency that are keeping old dusty mattresses arockin’ way past their date of rockature seem (to me and to this article) to be responsible for our little old men and ladies’ pee-pee problemos. The whole damn point of taking drugs like this is to be able to function in an awkward sexual manner, and when you combine this with the facts above (new partners, no condoms, whatever) there is quite the clusterfuck. I mean, you see gramps fillin’ his blue pill script ALL THE TIME at the pharmacy. When’s the last time you saw him pick up a pack of half-baby holders? About as recently as you saw Gramma shopping around for home pregnancy tests, right?

 

Ok, well HERE'S something you don't see everyday.

Well, now you’re surely thinking “Oh my, what an epidemic. What ever shall we do?” Ah, and here is where I come in like Batman following his Bat Light of Justice to save Generation STD.

1. First off, all those pamphlets they like to give the young kids at PP? Well, now coming to a cardiologists office near YOU!

Remember these?

2. When eligible for AARP or any senior discount program, must also enroll in a sex-ed class(on a bi-yearly basis. We know how you all like to forget). And hey, you’ll all be adults, so no fart jokes. (Bonus for the “uppity” type!)

Or, scratch that. Take it with the kids and co-teach history. Give those privileged little bastards a lesson or two in REAL life.

3. When dispensing prescriptions for penis poppers, docs should write “scripts” for Trojans, so Poppa Smurf can discreetly check out at the med counter, without being haggled by the young guns while browsing the selection.

Do yourself and your Louisville slugger a favor, and wrap it up.

That’s basically all I can come up with for keeping the herpes at bay in the retirement facilities. My mind is just still blown over this whole issue. And the fact its such a CLOSETED issue is pretty scary. I mean, we are well aware that Americans on a whole are pretty fat, slovenly and all getting Dia-betties, but AIDS among the Aged? Is there like, a PSA for this? A ribbon? Nope. Just think of all the Golddigging hussies contracting gonnohrea right now, and passing it on to their other boyfriends, who bring it to other people, that get progressively younger and younger until some 18-year-old Girls-Gone-Wild bimbo gets Grampa’s nasty little gift?!(<–here’s my paranoia setting in!!) Good lord, this could go totally Trans-Atlantic!!! So please, to the hippies of yesterday, the cool kids of years gone by: WRAP IT UP. This is one thing you can rest assured we do not want passed along. But, if you do:

 

You can at least send flowers.

Boys: How To Guide On Becoming A Man

9 Sep

One of my previous blogs was some cold hard truth and reality for the young girls of today’s world. Well, I think its time to give the boys a shot. Now obviously, I have boobs and a bajingo. I am a girl. Woman. So, technically speaking, I don’t actually know the physical specifics on what you do on your journey to that ever glorified manhood, other than things grow and things drop…HOWEVER, being a woman, I do know what a female desires in her Ultimate Man. And, lucky enough for you boys, I am sharing. But be prepared, I will probably take a few shots at your (growing) man-hood.

  1. Social Skills! (And Maturity!)

Being able to be around people is definitely something a boy must master before claiming manhood. And by people, I don’t mean your Bro-mans sitting around a ps3 playing Call of Duty and  circle jerking or whatever it is you do all day. You need to learn what is and what isn’t appropriate conversation with certain people. Nothing is worse for a girl (or woman for the blog, I think I will just go back and forth bear with me) than introducing her new love to her parents/friends/families/co-workers/etc and being completely and utterly embarrassed by some sort of ridiculousness that made its way through his vocal cords and out of his mouth, evading his brain the entire way.

FOR EXAMPLE: You are meeting someone important to your girl.

They Say: Well, how lovely to meet you, I’m so-and-so. How are you?

You DO NOT SAY: “Well, I just dropped the Browns off at the Superbowl and they skidded their way to victory so I’m feeling much better.” (Someone texted me that once. It took a minute, then I realized they told me they just relieved themselves of  a giant shat. Lovely) THIS WILL NOT BE FUNNY TO THESE PEOPLE, (unless they are real ass comedians) AND WILL MOST LIKELY PISS OFF YOUR LADYFRIEND.

You SAY: “I’m fine thanks, and it is a pleasure to meet you.” OR “I’m good, and you?” OR just a “Fine thanks, you?”

And social skills do not stop at verbal competency. You must also be able to PRESENT yourself in a way that says “I’m NOT a Dickweed!” As in: chew with your mouth closed, stop interrupting, farting/burping is NOT acceptable in a common area go to the damn bathroom you barbarian, quit looking at her mother/sister/aunt/friend’s tatas, excessive PDA need not be blasted in front of great grandma, Keep fingers, keys, pens, etc out of your orifices. You can see where this is going. I don’t wanna spell it all out. Use your BRAIN.

This is what NOT to do:

Because that's totally attractive.

Do THIS Instead:

Be Likeable, and for Pete's sake, keep you friggin' mouth closed.

2. Size Apperance DOES MATTER!!

We all know girls love to do the whole ‘look pretty for the guy’ thing. It’s in our nature. I don’t know why, I’m not a fucking biologist, so don’t ask me. I just know it is. So when we spend all this time and effort on us for YOU, do you think MAYBE you could at least change your dirty frat-boy shirt? Run a comb through your hair? Slap on some friggin’ deodorant? I know. Not all dudes are like this. But lets face it- from time to time you could at least DO SOMETHING with yourself. You are not a child anymore, you are striving to be an adult. Some general rules of thumb:

  • Theres a lot of different looks out there (skater, prep, bad boy, gangsta, rocker, what-the-hell-ever) go with what your comfortable with.
  • But don’t be a slob. Stains are out, unless you’re bummin’ around the house together, or like, work a dirty job. But when you go out with beau, be presentable. Grunge can even be done nicely. Tricky, but nicely.
  • Match your clothes, dude. If you don’t know ask your lady friend.
  • Smell. Please refrain from smelling like a fucking jockstrap/dufflebag/gym sock/locker room. Seriously a bottle of Axe is like 4 bucks. And it works well enough.

Yeah, this is tres chic!

3. Be RESPONSIBLE!

Ok, bro. Time to man up. This requires obtaining and KEEPING a job. It’s one thing to get laid off or whatever, but another completely to lose a job and not actively search for another. No girl wants to pay your way for everything. She will (hopefully) want to do things FOR each other, not just be your walking fucking wallet. And please, be a law-abiding citizen. The Bad Boy LOOK is attractive, not the lifestyle. (Girls: for more on the Bad Boy Syndrome, or BBS that most of us unfortunately suffer from, plese view my sister’s blog: http://povertyanddeath.wordpress.com She is a fucking expert on this epidemic.)

Being responsible also goes this way, and probably the most IMPORTANT part of this rule. If you have a major responsibility, like children, TAKE CARE OF THEM. Whether your girl is the mama, or you have a baby mama, BE THERE. This is monetarily speaking and emotionally speaking. Both are equally as important. I know from experience shit don’t usually work out between young parents, I get that. I’M THERE dude. But you are as responsible for that child as she is, after all YOU were needed to help make it. HELL, YOU determined the sex! So seriously guy, buy some fucking Huggies and go throw a ball around. Being a deadbeat will get your ass beat. And hey, here’s some advice: if you have a baby, and don’t feel you can ‘manage’ the responsibility of it, then for the love of all things Holy, STOP PRO-CREATING. It’s scumbags like YOU that give young parents, the guys who try in particular, a bad name.

Mmmhhmmm...You know who you are. And you all sicken me.

4. Treat her like you would want your mom/sister/daughter to be treated.

That’s right. For once, think of your girl as your mother. Or your baby sister (No, not in the sack you perv.) How would you like it if some complete and utter fucking asshole made your loved one do everything for them and the household with no recognition even, feel like general crap about herself, verbally and emotionally abuse her, pressure her into doing things she doesn’t want to do or is uncomfortable with, yadayada. Oh, you’d wanna smash his friggin’ face in, huh, tough guy? Well, then REALIZE that this girl IS someone’s sister, daughter and maybe mother. Maybe YOU’LL have a date with the linoleum. Here’s some tips on how to treat a lady right:

  • tell her she’s beautiful (most effective first thing in am, right before bed, when doing something completely ordinary, such as grocery shopping, and when shes just chillin’ like a villain in those sweats and a sloppy bun)
  • DON’T FOLLOW THE SCUMBAG MANTRA- Lie, Cheat and Steal. Don’t do it. If you feel a need to cheat, break up. If you feel a need to lie, break up, if you just wanna rob the bitch, you deserve your nuts stomped.
  • LISTEN TO HER YOU JACKASS. You should know on past conversations things like her favorite flowers, her best friend from forever, what she REALLY wants to do on a Saturday night. Then act on these observations and do something nice.
  • Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and holidays, or you may die.  But more importantly, surprise her. Random flowers on a random Wednesday just to say you care? OMFG, that’ll melt her insides and guarantee you some sort of “you’re so sweet reward”. Fuck, I prefer those kind of surprises as opposed to Valentines Day. But my gripe with that consumer holiday is for another time.

    They don't even have to be fancy and elaborate. Just show you care dammit.

And lastly, BE YOURSELF. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, it will get you nowhere. And make sure you do the same for your lady. Don’t force her to be someone YOU want her to be, like oh, I dunno, an ex-girfriend perhaps. Because it won’t work and she will resent you for it.

This is my starter’s manual for shaping yourself into a gentleman. All I know is, this is what I go for, and girls I know go for. So its working for somebody…

This guy!

(M)animal Kingdom

1 Sep

Men are recognizing that they have been forced to conform to a
very narrow and rather two-dimensional picture of maleness and manhood that they
have never had the freedom to question. ~ Andrew Cohen

Well, Mr.Cohen, do I have some news for you! There are plenty types of man out there. As you will see:

In the animal kingdom, there are many types of males. And in a really eerie way, they liken a lot to the types of males found in the human race. Lets take a gander at the following comparisons, shall we??

1. The Lion

Often referred to as “King of the Jungle”, this guy packs a very large reputation for being, well, king. Like, who wants to mess with a FUCKING lion? Look at that face. It’s all business with this guy. Until you realize the following…

It’s true that a male lion defends his own, when like NEEDED to, and will kill other lions, even younger cubs who stand in his family’s way. Okay, that said. It’s also true that the FEMALE lion does most, if not ALL of the hunting of the family’s meal (and no doubt if they could cook, they would have to do that too) and THEN serves the lazy bastard first, then the kids and herself. Wow. That’s not all. This dude can eat up to 40lbs of food, on average, at the meal. He then proceeds to slip into a slumber for up to 24 hours while digesting. No doubt leaving the lady lion of the house to make sure the children are eaten by other asshole male lions roaming around,being general lion badasses we all hear about, or looking for this dirtball’s NEXT meal. Moving on, a male lion only last about 10 seconds. (and you thought your love life sucked). On the other hand, this dude repeats this ten second man-marathon up to 40 times a day. I’m no Mathlete, but I am pretty certain that’s fairly decent. But the poor bastard can’t muster up enough stamina to last for more than 10 seconds at a time. What a tease. Basically, Simba here is just one hell of a lazy bastard. Sorta like this sweet guy:

Ah, yes. Mr. Fat-Lazy-and-unemployed. Almost like Al Bundy without a job, or Peg Bundy with a penis. Toe-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe. Either way, this dude is a leech. The female in this situation is the one who is making the money, taking care of the children, and keeping the homestead from collapsing. This is the kind of guy who will call you into a room to switch the channel he’s watching, make his toddlers fetch beer, and do ANYTHING to stay planted into the couch cushion he has molded perfectly to every lump in his ass. So next time you think of lions being all majestic and powerful, think of this:

"Be a good boy and give daddy another one. Worry about your sippy cup later"

And, after eating the weight of a 4 year old, dude is out like a light.

2. The Bowerbird

Bowerbird

This birds MO to snagging himself a lady friend is to jazz up his bachelor pad. How they do this? They steal shiny shit that they can find, mix it up with some nice ass foliage and voila! When this fails to fully impress, this dude goes one step farther and will often use a mating call. No, not his own, as his call isn’t very smooth. A Bowerbird will mimic another, more pleasant-sounding call from another, more attractive bird. This bird just basically jacks shit from others to make an impression as one awesome dude. And to top it off, when this all works out and lady bird is pregg-o with his egg-o; she builds her own damn nest. So….he just sorta says wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and be out my house… because I am sprucing it up for another baby mama. Really, just one selfish, immature, and shady kinda bird. Like this fine gent here:

Yeah...None of that is probably his. But if a girl is DTF, then, hey why not?

So, next time a fly mo-fo is walkin’ around, talkin’ all the sweetness in the world to you, flashin’ his Rolex, iPhone, iPod, iPad… iWatchout bitch, cuz this dude wants one thing and one thing only…uPants on hisFloor. This guy is a bigshot toolbait to the MAXIMUM.

3. North American Elk

THAT is one big frickin’ animal. And this comes in mighty friggin’ handy when it comes to mating season. The mating season of a Great American Elk lasts 2 months. (and you thought lions had it bad). TWO months of an ENTIRE year. Damn. So basically, these dudes obviously fight each other to get the rights to boink the pick of the lady-elk. They use their muscle, their horns, whatever they can to score with the ladies. And depending on the swag this bad boy is carrying, he can copulate with anywhere (on average) from 5-60 females a season. That’s like MAXIMUM, a new bitch a day, everyday for 2 months. This is both amazing and disturbing all at once. Sorta like this guy here:

Yep, The Hef. He is a Bull Moose in mating mode, year round.

Do a google search. Just bio Hugh Hefner real quick and see how much tail the internet claims he’s gotten over the years. The guesstimates on the web are probably low. And I haven’t even looked. I would again be intrigued and dismayed.  But, moving on, still have a few more bases to cover…

4. Phalarope

Yeah, it’s a duck…All the other animals were all awesome and manly right? Well, until you dug deeper. A little on the duck: This is a solid stay-at-home dad. Yeah, momma goes off to get food and all that as relative with the Lion, but this guy holds the fort down with the eggs ( he actually motls feathers off his ass or some crazy duck shit for the incubation process- THAT IS DEDICATION, MY FRIEND) and the babies after. Not only that, but the males are monogamous. So while mama duck is out doing whatever it is ducks need to do, daddy duck is being a reliable Mr.Mom. Like so:

I know plenty of ladies who would SELL their SOULS for men like these.

Yeah, the stay-at-home-dad. Many a career driven woman would LONG for one of these. Or a woman who has spent WAY TO MUCH time at home and needs to get back into the adult world before her voice stays preschool perma-high. For some ladies, this is the ULTIMATE GUY. And LOOK! They were even smart enough to make the mess OUTSIDE! The Lion would’ve left the house in shambles while he slept off a mary-jane coma! For others, check out this next dude:

5. Great Horned Owl

Yeah, yeah. Another bird. Not so majestic, or flashy. But he’s got some good traits. For example, the Great Horned Owl supplies his female and his babies with all the food while she stays at home rearing the chickadees. They choose their mates, settle down in a nice tree or old nest somewhere, have a couple of kids who go off, not too far and stay semi-dependant until they have families of their own. Sounds familiar huh? Not unlike regualr ass, middle America’s family?  The Great Horned Owl is this guy in animal form:

works, AND takes care of the lady. Can I get a what-what?!?!

Yes, I admit. I have a definite addiction to finding my own Dan Conner (no, NOT in the looks dept, thanks) and have since I was little and thought this show was REAL. Like, who in their right mind would not want someone as hard-working, and appreciative of all he had as this dude was in the show. The only shitty thing he ever did was die, and then all the weird shit he did after like cheat and run off to California, well that was just made up. *SPOILER ALERT* But seriously, where the FUCK did all these guys go? Jump ship to England or some shit?? Too bad everyone can’t just run around with some sort of symbol depicting their actual perogatives in life on their foreheads. It’d be so much easier.  I will just have to keep looking, though hopefully not forever. ut for now, here’s one more, and unfortunately, one of the most common forms:

6. The Grizzly Bear

Already, you’re probably thinking, okay its a big ass, bad ass animal. How is this guy a dick? Good. You’ve been paying attention. This one takes the cake of being an asshole because of the following: This guy is serial monogamous for a few days, maybe a month. Then all bets are off. He has nothing to do with his female, or the cubs. So, mother cub is rasing the cubs and sometimes the strays. Ok, whatever, see ya when we see ya. When, OH LOOK. Here comes daddy! But, daddy ain’t coming for a weekend visit. No. He’s coming to practice infanticide. That’s right kids. A male grizzly bear will KILL HIS OFFSPRING (or someone elses) to either make the female sexually receptive (since during the time she is raising the cubs, she is celibate) OR just for a quick snack. And no, this isn’t just a once-in-a-blue-moon-crazy kind of thing. This happens so often that cubs will actually FLEE the scene when they spot an unknown male grizzly and their fearless mother who is outweighed about twice will protect them to every ounce of herself. Talk about supermom. If you take the whole LITERAL killing out of this equation, you end up with this right here:

Yeah..No picture of a straight-up deadbeat will grace my blog. Unless I can get him to admit it himself. Besides, the photo I REALLY wanted, I couldn't google or bing. *sigh*

Basically, the “grizzly bear” behavior of a man only hurts his cubs. Not him. Most grizzlies bears do pretty fucking good, considering they don’t have admit to having children to support. Yeah, his behavior hurts the female grizzly involved, if you will, but hell she’s a grown ass adult. She WILL survive and do the best she can as a double parent for her cubs. Okay, yeah, I don’t know many deadbeats who went off and killed their children. Literally speaking anyway. But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t kill each child, just a little to know you packed your bag for nothing. So men out there. Do us all a favor. Strive to be a Great Horned Owl, or a Phalarope. Maybe in your young years, go crazy and be an Elk, or a Bowerbird ( I know I’ve chased a few Bowerbirds in my time). But for the love of all things holy, DO NOT become a Lion or a Grizzly. Because us Lionesses and mama grizzlies? We will find you…..Wahahahahahaha!!!

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