Tag Archives: mothers

Get Out and Play- An Endangered Concept

26 Jun

So, here I am, having a chat with my preggo friend, about how all her kid wants to do is go, go, GO, (a rare quality these days) and it takes all she can to entertain him, being in the process of growing a minion and all. Not a problem- go, go, GO play with your friends, right? WRONG. Kids, outside, playing- its like, UNHEARD OF these days. Or at least it seems like it is. And what kind of a kid wants to play outside, alone? It sucks a real big juicebox.

It literally looks like this on my street.

See, his friends aren’t the “play outside until the sun comes down” type. At least not as often as they should be (ahem- summer break…EVERYDAY, minions!) And they also aren’t the “get dirty” type either, and actually get into trouble for playing…and getting dirty…

problem- solved!

To which, I just gotta say….What??

Okay, firstly, my mom probably would’ve F.R.E.A.K.E.D. O.U.T. if we were INSIDE every, single, hour, of every, single day. Maybe its because we didn’t have all of these cool video games and phones, gadgets and the interwebs to entertain us for literal days at a time.

Here’s lookin’ at you, Satan’s favorite pastime.

 No. We had playsets, trampolines, pools, trails, woods, bikes, balls, water. We had FRIENDS and we actually SAW their faces, not their profile pictures, everyday. We had REAL social media, REAL games, a REAL childhood.

kick the can? YEAH BUDDYYY. Sign me up!! I will DESTROY YOU!!!

But all my mom had to do was yell “go play” (if that somedays) and we were GONE. Out the door, to the backyard, playing things, building things, destroying things, blowing up things…you get it. Having good ol’ ‘Merican FUN. And we didn’t come home until we heard to dinner bell ring! (yep, we had one) It’s just like, I don’t even know. So weird now that kids don’t PLAY.

I googled ‘merican fun….hahaha you win, google.

Seriously though. It didn’t take a whole lot to get us out. We had a big yard, and lived in the middle of nowhere, so being abducted by some creep wasn’t really an issue as it can be in bigger areas (though we DID have a peeping Tom, but that’s another story). So, I guess I can see where ‘rents these days, with the constant news coverage and all that, may be a little paranoid about sending Suzy and Jimmy outside to play, while they work/cook/clean/relax/crush candy (<– judgment free zone, you guilty mommies!)

I wouldn’t let my two outside unsupervised either. So my next point…

But here’s an idea, you silly Sally’s— GO OUTSIDE WITH YOUR SPAWN! Or if they’re old enough- watch from the door/window/porch!

**SHOCKING!** Guess what?! You can do a majority of things from OUT OF DOORS, AS WELL! And, if you are worried about dirt and germs and pedos, you are right there watching! Now, with mine, I am ALWAYS outside, on account of having no yard and some real winners for neighbors. My friend, she lives in a quieter part of town, with a yard, playset, the works, and he is old enough to have some space. But like I said earlier- who wants to play alone all day?

Sucks a big juicebox, huh kid?

So, for you parents who frit and fret over every germ, worm, bump, lump and speck of dirt, I’m going to do what I do best and make a list for you. A list of WHY outside play and interaction are necessary for a healthy child, and a kick ass childhood.

You’re welcome.

BENEFITS OF OUTSIDE ACTIVITY AND PLAY

they see me rollin…they hatin….

Firstly- and most obviously, EXERCISE. Running around, chasing, catching, biking, swimming, ya de da de da, all of it burns those happy meals right off. According to the American Heart Association, right NOW, one of every three kids/teens are either overweight or obese. ONE IN THREE. 1 in 3. 1:3. 1/3. Let that sink in.

‘Baby fat’ is gone by age 2/3…unless there is a medical issue, kids should not be having this problem. Exercise and proper nutrition people.

Think of all the time spent sitting, watching, eating, lazing about. That time needs to be spent burning off the excess calories kids eat, ESPECIALLY if they favor French fries over fruit. Obesity in kids wasn’t a huge problem even a generation ago, and almost unheard of previous to that, because guess what?! WE WERE OUTSIDE!!!

In the movies, there is always one. Now, to be accurate, there needs to be one in three.

Second- Dirt and Germs are GOOD for you! Yes, you read that right. The only way to build up immunity to something, is to be exposed to it. Your body needs to experience the germ, fight the germ, learn from the germ, and be one with the germ (I dunno, sounded good) in order to overcome it. Think about it, what are vaccines? GERMS. If you lived your life in a bubble, never exposed to anything, could you even imagine the reaction to a sneeze or some pollen you may have? It would be like Hiroshima is your ‘immune system’.

BOOM. THERE GOES YOUR HEALTH.

Third- decreased stress and anger, among other things. Yes, kids get stressed too. And angry, and whiny, and bratty. Well, one way to solve that is to let them stay holed up inside all day yelling at the computer, OR, send their ‘happy asses’ outside and let them literally kick rocks (or throw them, or whatever), until they feel better. Let me tell you, there is nothing a good magnifying glass fire, game of king of the hill, or super soaker fight won’t solve.

that’s right. Pretend whatever you are aiming for is your brother’s head. you become a real good shot.

Another benefit- gross motor skills, coordination. You practice these with running, jumping, throwing, kicking, what have you. It’s a no brainer that being outdoors and DOING THINGS are going to benefit you more in the long run than exercising your eyeballs staring at the TV while engaging in a fine motor skill of pincher grasping popcorn….just sayin’.

……………… >.<……………….

And lastly, my number one benefit of playing outside, with others? Imagination and friendship are developed. Seriously, whether it’s playing a mean game of AYSO and pretending its the Olympics, or building a tree house, playing paintball, or riding bikes- you are using your mind, and making friends.

Fack yeah!

Basically, people, GET YOUR KIDS OUTSIDE!!!! It’s SUMMER. Its time for free play and fun. I can’t tell you how many times a day I get asked if we can “go outside”, and go outside we do! TV and technology can be a drag, and totally addicting, I get that, but YOU are the ADULT. YOU decide when they have it. Unplug and go do something!

If we can do it, you can do it! (look how little they are!) That’s imaginations and gross motor skills hard at work folks!

Links to prove my point, so we all don’t think I’m talking out of my bum. 🙂

http://www.aahperd.org/headstartbodystart/activityresources/upload/benefits-of-outdoor-play-2.pdf

http://www.aahperd.org/headstartbodystart/activityresources/upload/benefits-of-outdoor-play-2.pdf

http://g2goutside.org/benefits-of-outdoor-play/

Girl Power

13 Jun

If I were a boy, I would be the PRETTIEST BOY IN THE WORLD. That’s right folks. Without a DOUBT, I would manscape, cover blemishes with concealer, MATCH my CLEAN clothes, file and clean my nails (hint hint, hubby), get my hair done at a salon, and maybe even rock a little rouge. Who knows. All I know is, I would be this guy:

 

 

Legend…wait for it….DARY.

 

 

That’s right. I would be Barney Stintson. THEE ladies man. THEE alpha-bro. I would be the guy that wouldn’t need a wingman, but just took one out of courtesy. Why would I be a Pretty-Ricky? Well, because, things like body hair, and sweat, and just gross-guy-ness disgust me.

 

 

ohmygawdno. no.no.no. *shudders*

 

 

Now, obviously, this is ME, and not YOU. Go be all hairy and proud, you beast, but don’t expect a hug, man. I’m just saying if I were a GUY, I would be a very meticulously groomed guy. I would have to be. Thanks to my genes, I have to be NOW and I’m a WOMAN for Pete’s sake. I can’t go more than a week without waxing something. Could you imagine if I was a guy?!

 

 

Dudes, it really DOES hurt, but eventually you will get used to it. Buck up, buttercup.

 

 

No way, Jose. I’m glad I am a female. And yes, I know ladies like to gripe during “that time of the month” that they wish they were a dude. But no. No you don’t. I will take my crazy mood swinging, ice cream eating (thank GOD for the store’s deal this week, let me tell you), husband missing, lifetime watching, biological clock ticking, (just kidding- that needs to be fixed), cramping, crying, lazy, fat girl, Aunt Flo issues for a week every month (minus about 18 or so HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY) for the REST OF MY LIFE, over having to be a hairy guido dude ONE DAY.

 

 

ok. white sheets AND undies?? Someone’s a risk taker.

 

 

My point is this. Girl-hood and Woman-dom isn’t so bad ladies. I mean, hell, honestly, would you want to be a man for one day? I mean, yes, we do have to put the extra effort in when we preform hygiene and dressing, but honestly, most guys who make you get all high-school girly do too…

 

 

I promise you, he did NOT wake up looking like this. That took effort and man-scaping.

 

 

And there are bonuses to being a lady, after all. I mean, here’s my top favorite things about being a female:

 

 

  • Dressing- I don’t know about you, but I. LOVE. TO. SHOP. And dress up, and be a cute little meatball. Guys really don’t have much of a selection of, well, anything to wear. Think of all the cute clothes and accessories you would be lacking in your life, if you had a porksword.

 

think of all the closet space? sigh.

 

 

  • Getting your way- this one is about to get a lot of flak, I can FEEL IT, but guess what? I . DON’T. CARE. (its my blog, so neener-neener) Yes, women have come a LONG WAY since the 20th century. YES, woman can do everything a man can. Yes, yes, yes. BUT, even with all of this progress, I can  USUALLY get: out of a ticket, a little sympathy at work, assistance with homework, or work assignments, out of hard labor tasks, waited on, doors opened, seats pulled, the bill paid, by simply having a bajingo. And at least I have the balls to admit I like it this way.

 

take note: doesn’t work so well on lady cops. SIGH.

 

 

 

  • Pretty-fied: Average dudes really would get a lot of harassment for covering their blemishes, concealing dark spots and fine lines, having their nails and hair done, anything that would make them concerned about their appearance and “feminine”. I know for a FACT if I was a guy, I wouldn’t want to have to walk around with a pizza face when there are products RIGHT THERE at the store that can help cover it while the medicine does its job. And quite honestly, the more I see younger guys on social media apps, the more I think that celebrities looks affect them too. They notice a guy is “perfect”, just like girls do. But them using products is “wrong”. Bullshit. I mean, it may seem like a hassle to shave, wax and put the face on, but shoot, I feel way better when I do it. I don’t really care how narcissistic and self-centered that sounds, admit it to yourself RIGHT NOW ladies, that if someone took your razor and mascara away, you might cry. Just imagine if you were a dude who didn’t fit the standard and THEN got harassed for trying to use products, like tinted male moisturizer. Not so fair, is it?

 

maybe i’m just anti-feminist, maybe i’m behind on the times, but this is what I feel like when I don’t put my makeup on. if I was a guy, good god.

 

 

 

  • Music/Movie tastes: As a girl, I can have tastes in music ranging in everything from Metallica to Taylor Swift, Aerosmith to Ke$ha, Biggie to Britney. A guy? NOt so much. A guy admitting he owns the new One Direction or Justin Bieber CD, would be like, social death. But a girl? Totally ok. Actually makes her “cool”. Same with movies. A girl watching gore, sci-fi, comedies, chick flicks? Normal. A dude in line for the new Nicholas Sparks movie? His girl better be in the bathroom…

 

QUICK! How many guys do you spot at this concert? …yup…

 

 

 

  • The gift of life- I suppose that this is actually the most selfless, and my favorite part of being a lady, therefore I saved it for last. There is nothing on this whole earth that makes me feel as complete and as happy as my children. I never felt better about myself than I did when I was pregnant, even if I was puking non-stop, had swollen feet and stretch marks all over. I wouldn’t trade a second of my time as a mother-to-be or as a mother for anything in this world. I’m not saying I want to be an octomom, or have nineteen kids and counting, but babies are the one thing I can do right, and so help me god there will (hopefully) be more, when, you know, I get my husband back. (and if I didn’t have such issues during my pregnancies, I would LOVE to be a surrogate for someone, but I can’t.)  And yes, yes, you do need a man (or man genes) to complete the process of conception, but from there on out, its all on the momma. The fact that your body can SUPPORT and GROW another WHOLE LIFE is just, like, amazeballs. You should be proud of that, if you’ve had the opportunity to do so.

 

Seriously no better feeling in the whole world. And, like, I’ll have a GREAT mister this time, whaaaattt?!?! SCORE. I’ll be like, Pam and Jim happy, shoot.

 

 

 

I’m not a guy, so I mean, I can’t really tell you how a dude’s perspective might differ, but I mean, this whole “double standard” thing we bitch about? Yeah, but not really. They can have it rough too. Guys are expected to be tough, rough, and handsome, at ALL TIMES. This is not an option. They can’t CRY. Never a moment of weakness, never fretting about their appearance. No thanks. I’ll take my cramps and ice cream, post this, get on Facebook and look at all the cutie pie babies, then watch some chick-flicks. I’m all good with that, and all the parts of being a girl.

 

 

Oh come on. Look at the title. You HAD to know this was coming.

(Wom)animal Kingdom

5 Sep

As promised…. I present (wom)Animal Kingdom!!

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
Jules Michelet

So, we’ve compared a few types of men in the world to the types of animals represented by the traits they hold in the animal kingdom. It’s only fair to all the Owls and Phalaropes out there to do the same to women. Because, we all know there are many types of us too… So lets begin, shall we??

1. Chimpanzee

This lovely lady right here, she knows JUST what she is doing. Evidently, she also gets better with age as a study by Boston University found. Apparently, according to the study, the male chimps preferred mating with older females of the group. They are more receptive than the younger counterparts to copulation attempts, and when in heat, or “randy” they enjoyed chillin’ with the bros more often. On top of this, they also showed up the other, younger era by sleeping with “high-ranking” members (like, a VIP club in chimp world?) and caused more fights between the dudes over their banging-ness. Which, conforming with the guys at BU, is a good thing. Well, you go (golden) girls! This, (if you haven’t already made the assumption) can only mean a lady-chimp is much the same as:

That's right. Stiffler's Mom. ULTIMATE cougar.

Looks like chimpanzees finally caught on to what highschool boys have been yearning for. Stacy’s mom really DOES have it going on. Think about it and it’s an adolescent boy’s dream: She’s well past the whole “OOOHHHHHH will he call me?!?!” phase, has WAY more knowledge about the world and of life itself, and MOST IMPORTANT to said teenage boy, she knows how to use her equipment, and his.

2. Koala Bear

The koala bear is universally known as being cuddly…and kinda vicious. But that is beside the point. For female attributes, heres this: the female koala bear will stay in its “home tree” if you will for 6 months while the Joey she gave birth to in her pouch, grows fur and claws and can see and all that good shit before it comes out. During this time, she continues to nurture it as if she was still pregnant. But she’s not. for the next 6 months, mama koala keeps baby on her back while tending to tasks such as eating, getting food, all that good-mothering shit. After about 12 months, if the Joey is female, it is mature enough to leave mama and start off on her own. If the joey is male, it will leave, but not go too far from mama. A cute little mama’s boy, if you will. To me, a koala bear likens to this:

NO. MORE. COOKIES. DAMMIT. JOEY!

A  stay-at-home-mom, or SAHM. This woman’s domain is her household. She is the CEO of that place, and DAMMIT no one else. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the little ones. All a days work no fucking doubt, and a hard one at that. Plus side, no office dramatics. Downside, very very little adult time. As the koala stays in her tree, and only ventures out with baby, same goes for SAHM.

3. Porcupine

This little ball of fun right here, well she takes the cake for freaky. A favorite mating technique of the female porcupine is to be doused in golden showers. (for those of you who don’t know what that is, let me kindly refer you to urbandictionary.com) Yep. This is like, R Kelly’s dream pet. When the male pees on the female, it completely seduces her and makes her his lover. This is AFTER 2 males compete by SHOOTING QUILLS that have barbs on the ends INTO each other while biting each other, in a frickin’ TREE, and AFTER she makes him dance for it. Not only does this bitch enjoy urine all over her, she also enjoys a good bloodbath and party beforehand to get her in the zone. Remind you of anyone?

I google image'd golden showers. Not happening, you vile perverts.

Yup, that freaky girl you went to school with and heard all those rumors about. That one night stand that turned into a one month nightmare replaying in your sleep. The one who pulls out the ginormus treasure trove of crazy aids and tools to “enhance your experience”. That chic is a certified porcupine. I’m not talking the occasional whip cream or blindfold or what have you. I’m thinking like, Russian war helmet or Mexican avalanche freaky. And, maybe I speak for myself, but….disgusting. Ugh, moving on.

4. Lioness

Okay, I know we covered lions in the (m)Animal Kingdom. And I did tell myself today, “schettisauce, when you do this, you shouldn’t use repeat animals, its boring”. But I had to for this one, it just fit. The Lioness do a BIG majority of the hunting (work) and after having their subs (1-4 in a typical litter) they seclude themselves from most of the pride until about 6-8 weeks, doing hunting around the area they are staying and only leaving the cubs for that brief period of time, like maternity leave. Once they re-join the group, Lionesses often share the duty of feeding each others cubs while the hunting is done. These clever bitches have a DAY-CARE system. Its like, “Hey Nala, mind watching Junior while I go kill that 3 legged antelope over there?” “Oh, sure thing, girl. Don’t worry, if he gets hungry, he can just suckle in with my 2.” Seriously, that’s pretty cool for a friggin’ CAT. And if you haven’t guessed by now, Mrs.Lion reminds me of:

And when I googled "working mom" a picture of a lioness came up. Huh.

Yes, Mrs. Working Mama. She takes time off to have a baby, when baby is sick and THATS IT. Time away from the office, that is. Like a SAHM, a working mother’s job is never done. Its work life, home life, and maybe if she’s lucky (or maybe not, depending on who you ask), sex life. This is a girl who knows how to hold it down when Fit hits the Shan and she. Means. Business. The “day off” to this particular kind of woman is coveted and not to be fucked with. *HINT: if you happen to love a working mom, whether its your own mother, a relative, friend, or God knows YOUR own lady, get her a fucking spa day before she explodes.* Of course, I may be biased. I come from a working mother, and I am one myself. *HINT: SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, GET ME A SPA DAY!*

5. Red Squirrel

Awww, how cute! A squirrel! MMMHMMM. Dig a little deeper here, and through the power of the internet and infinite reliable sources, we discover that this cute unsuspecting female is one promiscuous bitch. Yes. This little thing can mate with up to FOURTEEN dude squirrels in a single day. Given that the male squirrel is (unsurprisingly) ready and willing for this whenever, when the “opportunity” arises, the female squirrel decides, oh what the hell. I guess playing hard to get skipped this particular species. Before she even goes into heat, this little hussy spreads her scent around like cheap perfume to get the male squirrels prepped for action, so on her big day, she chases down as many as she can find. And the more she finds, the, uh, busier she is. Sound like someone you know??

Well, spraying scent for squirrels is the equivolent of showing an Italian boy you can eat...

The Slut. The Whore. The Hussy. The Pimpette, depending on how you look at it. The red squirrel is basically just a scaled down version of that girl everyone knows who has a reputation for being a ‘loosey -goosey’. I have never really heard of anyone I know doing 14 dudes-a-day, but that ONE DAY for a red squirrel is like a year for a human. So still, fourteen dudes a year even, that’s pretty friggin’ skanky. That’s like needing both hands and one foot. I don’t know, maybe I’m getting conservative. Or maybe its just my age. 14 dudes at 24 is like, a lot. Eh, I’m a prude quite possibly. But at least I know I’m not headed for Maury one of these days…

14 dudes, and not ONE daddy found. That's really happened. And he's shocked.

6. Praying Mantis

Haha, creepy right? And yeah, we all know the whole praying mantis females rip off the dudes heads when they are having sex thing. Its true and it is done some say to increase the amount of sperm coming vigorously, or maybe the bitch is just hungry. No one can agree, apparently. But, what they DO agree on is that the more fit the male mantis is, the better chance he has for survival. Also, it may help if he is submissive to said female. At least for a little while. I’m not entirely sure if anyone will get this next comparison, but extra points if you do!

Maybe they'll all die off in the recession. I doubt it.

That’s right. She ain’t nothin’ but a gold digger. Think about it. Okay, OBVIOUSLY insects can’t like, be ballin’. But I’m pretty fucking sure they need their damn HEADS to get anywhere. The head, is like, the life supply. And what exactly does a gold digger do folks? Takes your (monetary) life. Like, unless you were thinking with your RIGHT head, she takes it ALLLLL. What bitches. Then again, just do like Kanye “we want pre-nup!”

7. Cuckoo Bird

Female cuckoos partake in “brood parasitism”. It’s a fancy way of saying they are that bird from ‘Horton Hatches An Egg” by Dr. Seuss. Basically, this bird will take her egg and lay it in another species of bird’s unsuspecting nest so that she will hopefully raise it as her own. And this is a kinda big lookin’ bird here:

common cuckoo being raised by a reed warbler

Yeah. That big ugly thing that has a face not even his mother can love, is being raised by a bird he could swallow. To top it off, if there happen to be other eggs or baby birds in the nest that are actually related to the adoptive mom, that cuckoo baby will push them out and KILL them. (sidenote I know think I know the origin of referring to crazy people as “cuckoo”) Baby cuckoo has no knowledge of its parents and when it is a grown cuckoo, goes on to do the same thing. Some even get so good they evolved to make their eggs look like the eggs of a bird in the area. Don’t ask me how, I’m not a scientist. But seriously, just up and abandoning babies, huh??

Fucking terrible right?? I feel bad even posting it, but I'm pretty sure he's just an unhappy model for awareness.

Its one thing to get pregnant, go “oh shit” like 95% of us, and think it over and either

  1.  Keep your baby
  2. Abort your baby (not an option for me, ever. But moving on) OR
  3. Give baby up for adoption.

Never never ever should it be an option to just abandon your baby on some porch somewhere. Yes, THANK GOD hospitals and shit have like safe havens where you can drop your baby off if its like, too much. But I’ll be damned if people still continue to just toss tomorrow’s future into the Dumpster like old pizza. Fuckin’ a. That’s a deadbeat mom to me. Also qualifying for that distinction are the ones who will do ANYTHING to free themselves from the constraints of child rearing. Whether it’s dumping ’em off, letting gramma and daddy deal with it, or worse:

Need I say more? Bitch.

8. Polar Bears

 / ©: Peter EWINS / WWF-Canada

I thought maybe we should end this blog on a nice note. Polar bear females. They raise an average of 2 cub a litter. Due to the arctic being so fucking cold, the pregnant female Polar bear digs a “maternity den” underground where there is more heat. Wait… Where is Papa Bear, you ask? Well, silly, he’s off finding another bear to impregnate and leave. Duh. So, Mama Bear gets into the den, goes into a “hibernation” mode, where she lives off her fat stores and stays there with the cubs until spring, when they emerge and she teaches them all about life in the arctic. Mama Bear stays home, takes care of the babies, hunts, teaches them ways of life, and does  frickin’ everything. Because really, who else will? Kinda like this:

My sister, My Mother, and Me. ALL SUPER SINGLE MOMS. ALL POLAR BEARS. There are plenty more like us out there, and we do the best we can, with what we have. Which sometimes, isn’t much, but love is all we really need. That’s some deep Beatles shit to take home with ya, my friends. But it’s totally weird how there are so many links to animal personalities and the human personalities. They aren’t just animals anymore. And its also pretty nice to know that man or woman, the human being is so complex, you can be a mix of any of these things…Like, I could be a gold-digging stay at home mom, or the dude down the block could be a working dad with a desire to be pimpin’ and flossin’ yo. The possibilities are endless. Which is a great thing about humanity. At least not everyone is a doucher!!

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