Tag Archives: old men

Hey, Ebineezer Screw, Wrap It Up!!!

19 Nov

Recently, 2 disturbing facts have been presented to me regarding our older generation. First: They are having LOADS of intercourse. Being a visual person by nature, this is something that could have been kept out of my mind files. Secondly, the rate of STDs among this population is climbing at a pretty, errr, intriguing rate…eech. Why is this you ask? Well, you can Google, Bing and WIki it to your heart’s content, or you can get MY opinion (which is far more interesting and still fact based). And since this is a MY blog, that is what you are going to get!

So, first off; some definitions from the dictionary of schetti.

Old person (also referred to as but not limited to: geezer, gramps, grams, Capt.Wrinklepuss) noun– someone of an age circa 1940 or earlier. Must qualify for AARP and have on more than one occasion uttered the phrases “when I was your age…” and “kids these days…” Participation in a Medicare plan optimal, but optional.

STD (sexually transmitted disease also referred hereto as but not limited to: trouser rot, clap, ghonno, the itch you can’t scratch, the gift that keeps on giving…) noun– something NO one wants, a disease(s) that wrecks havoc on your porksword and/or ladybit and is or is not curable depending on particular form of said disease. And there are PLENTY to choose from.

Okay skeptics, now your probably calling BULLSHIT because everyone knows that old peeps are just wayyyy more intelligent than us young ass folk. Well, I hate to break you heart (your achy breaky heart- sorry, had to), but here are some cold hard facts. (and some links! Ha!)

  • Older people are less likely to use condoms, both because they don’t consider themselves to be at risk of STDs and because they were never educated that condoms should be part of their sex lives. Hmmm…..sounds like someone didn’t get the ol’ condom-on-the-banana-lesson, did they??ewwwwy.

 

haha, yum. 0_o

  • mid-life crises and on-line dating. Not only do you NOT know the broad your bringing home, you don’t know what she’s “bringing home”.  Should’ve just bought the Audi, huh smartass? Click here for some friggin’ interesting facts.
  • Not using condoms, cuz hey! Can’t make a baby! Again, lack of sex education.

 

You wouldn't be smiling either if you contracted the Clap.

I know…pretty insane. My question was not, “okay, not wrapping it up. Whatever…But how are they GETTING it up?” We’ve all heard the stories about the horrors of turning old and grey, and impotence is a BIGGIE. (ha, or not…) But anyway, it only took about 3 seconds of thinking before I realized:

 

 

Blessing, or curse? I don't know...do you have trouser rot?

Yes indeed folks. Viagra. And lest I forget Cialis, Extenze, Livitra, what-the-fuck-ever. These little pills of potency that are keeping old dusty mattresses arockin’ way past their date of rockature seem (to me and to this article) to be responsible for our little old men and ladies’ pee-pee problemos. The whole damn point of taking drugs like this is to be able to function in an awkward sexual manner, and when you combine this with the facts above (new partners, no condoms, whatever) there is quite the clusterfuck. I mean, you see gramps fillin’ his blue pill script ALL THE TIME at the pharmacy. When’s the last time you saw him pick up a pack of half-baby holders? About as recently as you saw Gramma shopping around for home pregnancy tests, right?

 

Ok, well HERE'S something you don't see everyday.

Well, now you’re surely thinking “Oh my, what an epidemic. What ever shall we do?” Ah, and here is where I come in like Batman following his Bat Light of Justice to save Generation STD.

1. First off, all those pamphlets they like to give the young kids at PP? Well, now coming to a cardiologists office near YOU!

Remember these?

2. When eligible for AARP or any senior discount program, must also enroll in a sex-ed class(on a bi-yearly basis. We know how you all like to forget). And hey, you’ll all be adults, so no fart jokes. (Bonus for the “uppity” type!)

Or, scratch that. Take it with the kids and co-teach history. Give those privileged little bastards a lesson or two in REAL life.

3. When dispensing prescriptions for penis poppers, docs should write “scripts” for Trojans, so Poppa Smurf can discreetly check out at the med counter, without being haggled by the young guns while browsing the selection.

Do yourself and your Louisville slugger a favor, and wrap it up.

That’s basically all I can come up with for keeping the herpes at bay in the retirement facilities. My mind is just still blown over this whole issue. And the fact its such a CLOSETED issue is pretty scary. I mean, we are well aware that Americans on a whole are pretty fat, slovenly and all getting Dia-betties, but AIDS among the Aged? Is there like, a PSA for this? A ribbon? Nope. Just think of all the Golddigging hussies contracting gonnohrea right now, and passing it on to their other boyfriends, who bring it to other people, that get progressively younger and younger until some 18-year-old Girls-Gone-Wild bimbo gets Grampa’s nasty little gift?!(<–here’s my paranoia setting in!!) Good lord, this could go totally Trans-Atlantic!!! So please, to the hippies of yesterday, the cool kids of years gone by: WRAP IT UP. This is one thing you can rest assured we do not want passed along. But, if you do:

 

You can at least send flowers.

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