Tag Archives: pimps

(M)animal Kingdom

1 Sep

Men are recognizing that they have been forced to conform to a
very narrow and rather two-dimensional picture of maleness and manhood that they
have never had the freedom to question. ~ Andrew Cohen

Well, Mr.Cohen, do I have some news for you! There are plenty types of man out there. As you will see:

In the animal kingdom, there are many types of males. And in a really eerie way, they liken a lot to the types of males found in the human race. Lets take a gander at the following comparisons, shall we??

1. The Lion

Often referred to as “King of the Jungle”, this guy packs a very large reputation for being, well, king. Like, who wants to mess with a FUCKING lion? Look at that face. It’s all business with this guy. Until you realize the following…

It’s true that a male lion defends his own, when like NEEDED to, and will kill other lions, even younger cubs who stand in his family’s way. Okay, that said. It’s also true that the FEMALE lion does most, if not ALL of the hunting of the family’s meal (and no doubt if they could cook, they would have to do that too) and THEN serves the lazy bastard first, then the kids and herself. Wow. That’s not all. This dude can eat up to 40lbs of food, on average, at the meal. He then proceeds to slip into a slumber for up to 24 hours while digesting. No doubt leaving the lady lion of the house to make sure the children are eaten by other asshole male lions roaming around,being general lion badasses we all hear about, or looking for this dirtball’s NEXT meal. Moving on, a male lion only last about 10 seconds. (and you thought your love life sucked). On the other hand, this dude repeats this ten second man-marathon up to 40 times a day. I’m no Mathlete, but I am pretty certain that’s fairly decent. But the poor bastard can’t muster up enough stamina to last for more than 10 seconds at a time. What a tease. Basically, Simba here is just one hell of a lazy bastard. Sorta like this sweet guy:

Ah, yes. Mr. Fat-Lazy-and-unemployed. Almost like Al Bundy without a job, or Peg Bundy with a penis. Toe-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe. Either way, this dude is a leech. The female in this situation is the one who is making the money, taking care of the children, and keeping the homestead from collapsing. This is the kind of guy who will call you into a room to switch the channel he’s watching, make his toddlers fetch beer, and do ANYTHING to stay planted into the couch cushion he has molded perfectly to every lump in his ass. So next time you think of lions being all majestic and powerful, think of this:

"Be a good boy and give daddy another one. Worry about your sippy cup later"

And, after eating the weight of a 4 year old, dude is out like a light.

2. The Bowerbird

Bowerbird

This birds MO to snagging himself a lady friend is to jazz up his bachelor pad. How they do this? They steal shiny shit that they can find, mix it up with some nice ass foliage and voila! When this fails to fully impress, this dude goes one step farther and will often use a mating call. No, not his own, as his call isn’t very smooth. A Bowerbird will mimic another, more pleasant-sounding call from another, more attractive bird. This bird just basically jacks shit from others to make an impression as one awesome dude. And to top it off, when this all works out and lady bird is pregg-o with his egg-o; she builds her own damn nest. So….he just sorta says wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and be out my house… because I am sprucing it up for another baby mama. Really, just one selfish, immature, and shady kinda bird. Like this fine gent here:

Yeah...None of that is probably his. But if a girl is DTF, then, hey why not?

So, next time a fly mo-fo is walkin’ around, talkin’ all the sweetness in the world to you, flashin’ his Rolex, iPhone, iPod, iPad… iWatchout bitch, cuz this dude wants one thing and one thing only…uPants on hisFloor. This guy is a bigshot toolbait to the MAXIMUM.

3. North American Elk

THAT is one big frickin’ animal. And this comes in mighty friggin’ handy when it comes to mating season. The mating season of a Great American Elk lasts 2 months. (and you thought lions had it bad). TWO months of an ENTIRE year. Damn. So basically, these dudes obviously fight each other to get the rights to boink the pick of the lady-elk. They use their muscle, their horns, whatever they can to score with the ladies. And depending on the swag this bad boy is carrying, he can copulate with anywhere (on average) from 5-60 females a season. That’s like MAXIMUM, a new bitch a day, everyday for 2 months. This is both amazing and disturbing all at once. Sorta like this guy here:

Yep, The Hef. He is a Bull Moose in mating mode, year round.

Do a google search. Just bio Hugh Hefner real quick and see how much tail the internet claims he’s gotten over the years. The guesstimates on the web are probably low. And I haven’t even looked. I would again be intrigued and dismayed.  But, moving on, still have a few more bases to cover…

4. Phalarope

Yeah, it’s a duck…All the other animals were all awesome and manly right? Well, until you dug deeper. A little on the duck: This is a solid stay-at-home dad. Yeah, momma goes off to get food and all that as relative with the Lion, but this guy holds the fort down with the eggs ( he actually motls feathers off his ass or some crazy duck shit for the incubation process- THAT IS DEDICATION, MY FRIEND) and the babies after. Not only that, but the males are monogamous. So while mama duck is out doing whatever it is ducks need to do, daddy duck is being a reliable Mr.Mom. Like so:

I know plenty of ladies who would SELL their SOULS for men like these.

Yeah, the stay-at-home-dad. Many a career driven woman would LONG for one of these. Or a woman who has spent WAY TO MUCH time at home and needs to get back into the adult world before her voice stays preschool perma-high. For some ladies, this is the ULTIMATE GUY. And LOOK! They were even smart enough to make the mess OUTSIDE! The Lion would’ve left the house in shambles while he slept off a mary-jane coma! For others, check out this next dude:

5. Great Horned Owl

Yeah, yeah. Another bird. Not so majestic, or flashy. But he’s got some good traits. For example, the Great Horned Owl supplies his female and his babies with all the food while she stays at home rearing the chickadees. They choose their mates, settle down in a nice tree or old nest somewhere, have a couple of kids who go off, not too far and stay semi-dependant until they have families of their own. Sounds familiar huh? Not unlike regualr ass, middle America’s family?  The Great Horned Owl is this guy in animal form:

works, AND takes care of the lady. Can I get a what-what?!?!

Yes, I admit. I have a definite addiction to finding my own Dan Conner (no, NOT in the looks dept, thanks) and have since I was little and thought this show was REAL. Like, who in their right mind would not want someone as hard-working, and appreciative of all he had as this dude was in the show. The only shitty thing he ever did was die, and then all the weird shit he did after like cheat and run off to California, well that was just made up. *SPOILER ALERT* But seriously, where the FUCK did all these guys go? Jump ship to England or some shit?? Too bad everyone can’t just run around with some sort of symbol depicting their actual perogatives in life on their foreheads. It’d be so much easier.  I will just have to keep looking, though hopefully not forever. ut for now, here’s one more, and unfortunately, one of the most common forms:

6. The Grizzly Bear

Already, you’re probably thinking, okay its a big ass, bad ass animal. How is this guy a dick? Good. You’ve been paying attention. This one takes the cake of being an asshole because of the following: This guy is serial monogamous for a few days, maybe a month. Then all bets are off. He has nothing to do with his female, or the cubs. So, mother cub is rasing the cubs and sometimes the strays. Ok, whatever, see ya when we see ya. When, OH LOOK. Here comes daddy! But, daddy ain’t coming for a weekend visit. No. He’s coming to practice infanticide. That’s right kids. A male grizzly bear will KILL HIS OFFSPRING (or someone elses) to either make the female sexually receptive (since during the time she is raising the cubs, she is celibate) OR just for a quick snack. And no, this isn’t just a once-in-a-blue-moon-crazy kind of thing. This happens so often that cubs will actually FLEE the scene when they spot an unknown male grizzly and their fearless mother who is outweighed about twice will protect them to every ounce of herself. Talk about supermom. If you take the whole LITERAL killing out of this equation, you end up with this right here:

Yeah..No picture of a straight-up deadbeat will grace my blog. Unless I can get him to admit it himself. Besides, the photo I REALLY wanted, I couldn't google or bing. *sigh*

Basically, the “grizzly bear” behavior of a man only hurts his cubs. Not him. Most grizzlies bears do pretty fucking good, considering they don’t have admit to having children to support. Yeah, his behavior hurts the female grizzly involved, if you will, but hell she’s a grown ass adult. She WILL survive and do the best she can as a double parent for her cubs. Okay, yeah, I don’t know many deadbeats who went off and killed their children. Literally speaking anyway. But I’ll be damned if it doesn’t kill each child, just a little to know you packed your bag for nothing. So men out there. Do us all a favor. Strive to be a Great Horned Owl, or a Phalarope. Maybe in your young years, go crazy and be an Elk, or a Bowerbird ( I know I’ve chased a few Bowerbirds in my time). But for the love of all things holy, DO NOT become a Lion or a Grizzly. Because us Lionesses and mama grizzlies? We will find you…..Wahahahahahaha!!!

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