Tag Archives: teen mom

Octogenarian Eagle

9 Nov

Graphic tees. Embellished hoodies. Extra-low-rise hip huggers. Lace camis. Aeropostale. American Eagle. Hollister. Abercrombie and Fitch. All really popular in this town with all the high school kids, college kids and twenty-somethings. But when is old TOO OLD for this kind of thing? Thats something I’ve been trying desperately to find out, seeing as though all of the above noted styles and brands can be found within my closet and wardrobe.

I WISH my closet was this organized. Or even this size.

But, alas, I can Google and Bing search all my heart desires, and I’m just not going to get any clear-cut answer on when I should trade in Aero for Dress Barn. Some say 25-28, others say 30, some are still 40 and rockin’ the graphic tees with the brand splashed all over so EVERYONE can see that YOU. ARE. THE. COOL. KID!!! I asked this question to a few friends who are all about my age. By 25, one will cease to buy the graphic tees that are always on some sort of ridiculous sale, but continue to purchase polos and jeans. One friend is already trading up and looking at blazer shopping. (I may buy him a pipe, and some slippers) I settled on TRYING not to buy the super cute graphic tees anymore and all that by the time I am 25. I do not want this to be all I own or even know how to shop for when I’m say, 40-50. So, I guess I’ll leave it up to the manufacturers and base the age range off the models they use??

There you have it. Aeropostale, American eagle, Hollister Co, and Abercrombie and Fitch. Based upon the “age-look” of the models, I can wager comfortably that I can hold more liquor than any of them. Combined. and when you image search, you get a TON. I even looked for some of older people, maybe dressed in like, business casual? Nope.

Now, lets search for some old lady looks: we’ll go to Dress Barn, Talbots, CJ Banks and TogShop.com. Just for fun.

            Foxcroft Striped Shirt

All really beautiful older women dressed really nicely. One might call them MILFS. But seriously, none of these are in the age range of 28-35. Which, until I can come across the Fountain of Youth (or get hit by a bus), I am destined for. So I did a clothing reconnaissance mission recently. At our dinky little hole-in-the-wall mall, there is a great new store. Vanity. (Awesome!!! One of the seven deadly- my number one store…hmm) I was perusing the racks before a late night shift and these people follow you around like your last name is Kardashian and you have the money of a Hilton. I’m talking like, holding my shit, gophering off for sizes, securing my OWN private dressing room until I SAY I AM DONE. Shoooottttt. And they seem to make there jean sizes a little smaller for us delusional divas. I love, love, LOVE this place. And not too badly priced, I’d even go as far to say I would spend less there than at Aero. Fuck. Not to mention, we also have the fall back Old Navy, which really does has something for everyone.

Look 3

From Vanity. Theres like, 3 looks here. And she's not branded all over like a choice cut of Angus. Nice.

Yeah, yeah yeah…”she doesn’t look 28-35!” Well, neither do I, but someday soon I sure will and I need to stop dressing like a sorority sister and more like the adult I *gulp* am. Thats still cute as hell, and totally acceptable office wear. And they have a “style that works” section for those of us who get called to HR because of fucking ae and aero (and girls on haterade) more often than most, AND a student ID discount of 20% off in-store (!!!!!! Thats like 20cents to every dollar!!!!!!!!).

Addendum to previous pic: I WISH my closet looked like THIS.

I’m hoping this little rave of the fun,  cute-yet-not-miley-cyrus-store hits home for some of the people I see on a frequent basis. Not so much guys, and although some wear the 4 mentioned teen brands well past there welcome, there’s just A LOT OF BITCHES out there shopping in their daughters’ closets. I mean, if your 35 and look like your 20, go girl. Shit. But if you’re 35 and you look like you’re 45, its time to let it go. It’s not coming back. And since I’m 24 and can one day look 30 and the next look 18, the jury is still out on my “age” at 35. I need to be prepared to not look like this:


short-shorts and a see-through top. Classy, but even more so at 45.

 A general ass-ho. Nope. I would prefer not pick up my child from soccer lookin’ like that. The shoes though? I will keep my shoes.( Always.) I’d prefer to be a money-making lady with style, such as this:


I could do this Monday-Friday. But the weekend? I don't know if I am mature enough.


But I can breathe a little more calmly after this clothing adventure as I know now where to find some duds to look good, and can rest easy at night knowing I still have a good 6 years in me to be a part-time hot mess, when the time, money and babysitter arises. Unless I get hit by that bus.


Teen Mom Syndrome- Scared Celibate!

7 Sep

I was walking through the mall one day, and happened to overhear a group of girls, about 13 or 14 years old squealing with delight over the fact that one of their friends was “O.M.G REALLY PREGNANT!” (yes, they said O M G as opposed to oh my God. Don’t even get me started.) Yeah, its none of my business, and whatever, and no, I did not say anything. But if I could have I would’ve taken those little girls out of the aisles of Justice and Deb’s (tween and teen clothing stores) and into the REALITY of being a young mommy for a day. First, we’d start with some facts about babies no one knows until they have one themselves.


  1. CHEAP diapers cost about $15 a box…Doesn’t seem bad, but a box lasts about a week, 2 once they are older. That’s what? $60 bucks a month. And don’t forget wipes! a 3 pack for $10! One pack for the car, one for home, one for diaper bag, and by the end of the week you lose all fucking 3!!! And Butt Cream, that’s like anywhere from 5-15 bucks, depending on the kind your baby needs.
  2. Formula- If you aren’t breast-feeding, it’s about $20 a can. Yeah. For food. That they eat every 4 hours or so. That’s a lot of money. And there’s no “oh, it’ll be okay if I water it down or give her juice for a couple of days”…No, it’s not. And bottles?? Shit, DON’T LOSE THEM.
  3. Babysitters- A CHEAP DAYCARE in this shit hole of a town (NNY) is about $180 a week. And that’s poor people status. Hopefully you’re lucky and have a family member or friend to help you out. Especially if you are in school.
  4. CLOTHES- Yeah, teeny tiny baby clothes, can cost just as much as adult clothes. If you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t feel shitty taking help and hand-me-downs. Your baby won’t care if it has on fresh Nikes. He WILL care that his belly is full and his diaper is clean. And any decent mother you know who has a kid a size or two bigger will LOVE to help you out. It’s paying it forward.
  5. Carseat and Crib- Even going cheap on these two will run you about 300-500 bones. And there’s no getting around either

Girls, these are just the ESSENTIALS. Nevermind the fancy bouncy seat(20-100 bucks), the cool play mat (about 45 bucks), playpen(shit, I don’t even KNOW…like 50 bucks?),and God-knows-what-else. And honey, it only gets more expensive as time goes on. Remember that prom dress you want? BEGGED FOR? I bet it’s about $400. Mine was. Now I realize how hard my mom worked for us. Don’t do that to yourself, or your future children now.

Yes, he is cute, but costs more than you can even imagine. WAIT.

Who am I kidding? NO teenager or young adult for that matter who hasn’t at least had to help support their family even GRASPS the value of money. To them, $100 is the lotto. Not a week in gas. So this approach would probably just be equivalent to beating a dead horse. Hmmm. AHA! Teenage girls HATE disgusting things…Lets get some random baby facts going, that no one bothers to tell you before hand!!


  1. Your feet swell, and will stretch out ALL the shoes you wear, and you won’t be able to wear them again
  2. Your hair has a good chance of falling out. And a BIG chance of growing hair where there wasn’t before (chin, belly, nipples…)
  3. Morning sickness can happen whenever, wherever. Like, in the middle of history class.
  4. You also may start lactating…again whenever, where ever…like in the middle of class.
  5. When baby gets big enough it will push on your bladder. Causing you to pee your pants. Like, when you walk, or sneeze, or laugh. How embarrassing.
  6. Hemorrhoids. While pregnant and after labor. It’s a bitch.
  7. You will be an exhausted, hormonal wreck. Sometimes, you hate everyone, you will be a roller coaster.

Not as cute as the celebrities huh? And note the fine hair all over.


  1. Chances are you will poop, pee and puke all over the delivery table. In front of whoever is in the room (1 doctor, a couple of nurses, your boyfriend, and whoever else you invite in)
  2. Your vagina has to stretch 10 cm to fit a baby. And most of the time, the baby will rip it more on the way out. Or your doctor may just slit it open farther. and this will require stitches.
  3. Your water probably won’t break dramatically, like in movies. No, it’ll leak. Or it may just stay intact and the good ol’ doc will have to take a hook to it and pop it open.
  4. You will bleed. A LOT. and have to wear giant pads. No tampons or sex until you are cleared by your doctor.
  5. Mucus plug- Just what it sound like, girls. A hardish plug of mucus holding everything in your vag. It comes out. Gross.
  6. A c-section is serious and requires TONS of prep time, a shuffling of your insides and you will be sore. For a very very long time.
  7. After you get the vernix-covered baby out, you will need to get the placenta out. This can be done by massaging your very very sore abdomen.

This is the real deal girls. Not the cutesy shit on TV now, is it?




  1. If your baby needed forceps or suction to come out, and a lot do; expect to have a little conehead for a while.
  2. Newborns go through about 10-14 dipes a day. That’s alotta poop and pee
  3. If you have a boy, you WILL get peed on. Guaranteed.
  4. Sleeping when baby sleeps. LMFAO. Get real. You will have bottles to wash, laundry to do, things to catch up on. when you sit down, baby gets up.
  5. Babies wake up A LOT in the night. And want to be fed. You need to be alert and ready for whatever baby wants. Whenever baby wants it.
  6. Spit up will be everywhere. Your hair, your clothes, your skin, quite possibly your mouth. And you will smell like baby spit up.
  7. Cradle cap- its baby dandruff. Rub the head with baby oil, comb the hair and repeat. For however long it takes. It’s actually harmless, but disgusting looking.
  8. The bellybutton- ew. It shrivels up, dries up, and falls out. During that time, it may get infected.

That’s just the BEGINNING, girls. Google “colic”, and “post-partum depression” and “cracked nipples”. Those are always fun!

A baby covered in vernix. With a conehead. JUST about to scream.

Now, here is where these little girls chirp in with “NO, Not me!!! My parents will help me out and do all of this while I go to school, to college, get a job and hangout with my friends!! And my Boyfriend and I will be together 4-Eva, so you have NO IDEA!”

Ahhh. And here is where I break hearts and crush dreams. NO. No, your parents will not be able to be at your EVERY BECK AND CALL as they most likely have JOBS they need to do to support YOU, YOUR CHILD, pay THEIR bills, and no doubt YOUR giant medical bill you racked up under their plan. And HOPEFULLY you will finish school and go to college. and work HARD at it. Let me tell you, any job that pays anything at all is in a few more years, if not already, going to require a COLLEGE EDUCATION. And flippin’ burgers or sellin’ gas ain’t gunna get your baby what she/he needs.

HAHAHAHAHA SOCIAL LIFE?!?!?! Guess what? Your social life just went the way of your virginity. GONE. You may get lucky and have friends that stick by and all that, and they are GOOD FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS. But while your off being an adult and playing house, they are off ACTING THEIR AGE. And who can blame them? Reverse the roles. Would you rather go to  a house party with tons of friends, good music, food, drinks, and total awesomeness, OR sit inside with your friend and her colicky baby all night bitchin’ about bills? Thought so.

And…give me a minute on this next one…. You and your boyfriend forever, huh? Alright, let’s do some basic math:

The average age for men to marry in the US in 28.4 years old

The average age for women to marry in the US is 26.5 for women

And the divorce rate in the US is…..About 50%

So, please tell ME, how 2 TEENAGERS are going to last in a “Forever” relationship when 1/2 of the people a DECADE OLDER THAN YOU (and with WAYYYYY MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE) can’t handle it?? I don’t care if your 15 or 21. It’s VERY unrealistic it will last, as a person isn’t even fully DEVELOPED until MAYBE age 25. So, bringing a baby into something a volatile as a young relationship is really rather irresponsible. I know, because at 19 I did it myself. And I, like you, thought it would be easy. I, like you was wrong. Granted, I LOVE MY CHILDREN WITH ALL MY HEART. But I think I would’ve liked to stay a “child” a little longer. You have all the time in the WORLD. Take it. Run with it. And when you are older, wiser and ready, share all your cool ass experiences with your children.

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