Tag Archives: teenagers

Get Out and Play- An Endangered Concept

26 Jun

So, here I am, having a chat with my preggo friend, about how all her kid wants to do is go, go, GO, (a rare quality these days) and it takes all she can to entertain him, being in the process of growing a minion and all. Not a problem- go, go, GO play with your friends, right? WRONG. Kids, outside, playing- its like, UNHEARD OF these days. Or at least it seems like it is. And what kind of a kid wants to play outside, alone? It sucks a real big juicebox.

It literally looks like this on my street.

See, his friends aren’t the “play outside until the sun comes down” type. At least not as often as they should be (ahem- summer break…EVERYDAY, minions!) And they also aren’t the “get dirty” type either, and actually get into trouble for playing…and getting dirty…

problem- solved!

To which, I just gotta say….What??

Okay, firstly, my mom probably would’ve F.R.E.A.K.E.D. O.U.T. if we were INSIDE every, single, hour, of every, single day. Maybe its because we didn’t have all of these cool video games and phones, gadgets and the interwebs to entertain us for literal days at a time.

Here’s lookin’ at you, Satan’s favorite pastime.

 No. We had playsets, trampolines, pools, trails, woods, bikes, balls, water. We had FRIENDS and we actually SAW their faces, not their profile pictures, everyday. We had REAL social media, REAL games, a REAL childhood.

kick the can? YEAH BUDDYYY. Sign me up!! I will DESTROY YOU!!!

But all my mom had to do was yell “go play” (if that somedays) and we were GONE. Out the door, to the backyard, playing things, building things, destroying things, blowing up things…you get it. Having good ol’ ‘Merican FUN. And we didn’t come home until we heard to dinner bell ring! (yep, we had one) It’s just like, I don’t even know. So weird now that kids don’t PLAY.

I googled ‘merican fun….hahaha you win, google.

Seriously though. It didn’t take a whole lot to get us out. We had a big yard, and lived in the middle of nowhere, so being abducted by some creep wasn’t really an issue as it can be in bigger areas (though we DID have a peeping Tom, but that’s another story). So, I guess I can see where ‘rents these days, with the constant news coverage and all that, may be a little paranoid about sending Suzy and Jimmy outside to play, while they work/cook/clean/relax/crush candy (<– judgment free zone, you guilty mommies!)

I wouldn’t let my two outside unsupervised either. So my next point…

But here’s an idea, you silly Sally’s— GO OUTSIDE WITH YOUR SPAWN! Or if they’re old enough- watch from the door/window/porch!

**SHOCKING!** Guess what?! You can do a majority of things from OUT OF DOORS, AS WELL! And, if you are worried about dirt and germs and pedos, you are right there watching! Now, with mine, I am ALWAYS outside, on account of having no yard and some real winners for neighbors. My friend, she lives in a quieter part of town, with a yard, playset, the works, and he is old enough to have some space. But like I said earlier- who wants to play alone all day?

Sucks a big juicebox, huh kid?

So, for you parents who frit and fret over every germ, worm, bump, lump and speck of dirt, I’m going to do what I do best and make a list for you. A list of WHY outside play and interaction are necessary for a healthy child, and a kick ass childhood.

You’re welcome.

BENEFITS OF OUTSIDE ACTIVITY AND PLAY

they see me rollin…they hatin….

Firstly- and most obviously, EXERCISE. Running around, chasing, catching, biking, swimming, ya de da de da, all of it burns those happy meals right off. According to the American Heart Association, right NOW, one of every three kids/teens are either overweight or obese. ONE IN THREE. 1 in 3. 1:3. 1/3. Let that sink in.

‘Baby fat’ is gone by age 2/3…unless there is a medical issue, kids should not be having this problem. Exercise and proper nutrition people.

Think of all the time spent sitting, watching, eating, lazing about. That time needs to be spent burning off the excess calories kids eat, ESPECIALLY if they favor French fries over fruit. Obesity in kids wasn’t a huge problem even a generation ago, and almost unheard of previous to that, because guess what?! WE WERE OUTSIDE!!!

In the movies, there is always one. Now, to be accurate, there needs to be one in three.

Second- Dirt and Germs are GOOD for you! Yes, you read that right. The only way to build up immunity to something, is to be exposed to it. Your body needs to experience the germ, fight the germ, learn from the germ, and be one with the germ (I dunno, sounded good) in order to overcome it. Think about it, what are vaccines? GERMS. If you lived your life in a bubble, never exposed to anything, could you even imagine the reaction to a sneeze or some pollen you may have? It would be like Hiroshima is your ‘immune system’.

BOOM. THERE GOES YOUR HEALTH.

Third- decreased stress and anger, among other things. Yes, kids get stressed too. And angry, and whiny, and bratty. Well, one way to solve that is to let them stay holed up inside all day yelling at the computer, OR, send their ‘happy asses’ outside and let them literally kick rocks (or throw them, or whatever), until they feel better. Let me tell you, there is nothing a good magnifying glass fire, game of king of the hill, or super soaker fight won’t solve.

that’s right. Pretend whatever you are aiming for is your brother’s head. you become a real good shot.

Another benefit- gross motor skills, coordination. You practice these with running, jumping, throwing, kicking, what have you. It’s a no brainer that being outdoors and DOING THINGS are going to benefit you more in the long run than exercising your eyeballs staring at the TV while engaging in a fine motor skill of pincher grasping popcorn….just sayin’.

……………… >.<……………….

And lastly, my number one benefit of playing outside, with others? Imagination and friendship are developed. Seriously, whether it’s playing a mean game of AYSO and pretending its the Olympics, or building a tree house, playing paintball, or riding bikes- you are using your mind, and making friends.

Fack yeah!

Basically, people, GET YOUR KIDS OUTSIDE!!!! It’s SUMMER. Its time for free play and fun. I can’t tell you how many times a day I get asked if we can “go outside”, and go outside we do! TV and technology can be a drag, and totally addicting, I get that, but YOU are the ADULT. YOU decide when they have it. Unplug and go do something!

If we can do it, you can do it! (look how little they are!) That’s imaginations and gross motor skills hard at work folks!

Links to prove my point, so we all don’t think I’m talking out of my bum. 🙂

http://www.aahperd.org/headstartbodystart/activityresources/upload/benefits-of-outdoor-play-2.pdf

http://www.aahperd.org/headstartbodystart/activityresources/upload/benefits-of-outdoor-play-2.pdf

http://g2goutside.org/benefits-of-outdoor-play/

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Generation WTF

18 Jun

I try, being only a quarter century old, to be a “cool kid” still (the jury is still out as to if I ever was one, however, but I digress). ANYWAY, the youth I’ve seen these days seriously makes me just…ill. That’s the only word I can find fitting. Like, this up-and-coming group- THEY are going to be our future leaders and workers? Oh good God, no.

I kid you not…first image under my “today’s teens” search. Awesomesauce.

Seriously, last weekend, with my mother, my two kids and my niece, we went to the fair. You never really notice teens, until you get a whole swarm of them together. What I saw, I should have documented, but I just couldn’t. It was just too ridiculous. Gone, apparently are the days of not being a complete and total douche in public. I think these kids were like, PROUD of themselves, and it honestly made me think “oh, is THIS how my kid will act? NO.”

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GIRLS. THEY ARE BOYS. MIND=BLOWN

The number 1 thing I heard the most today? Swag. As in swagger??

swag·ger

/ˈswægər/ Show Spelled [swag-er] Show IPA

verb (used without object)

1.

to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.
2.

to boast or brag noisily.
verb (used with object)

3.

to bring, drive, force, etc., by blustering.
noun

4.

swaggering manner, conduct, or walk; ostentatious display of arrogance and conceit.

Origin: 1580–90; swag1  + -er6

Related forms

swag·ger·er, noun
out·swag·ger, verb (used with object)
Synonyms 1. See strut1 .
Well, I guess that’s about right. But, is that what they mean by it? I mean, this definition came from dictionary.com, so I almost doubt it. Lets look at urbandictionary.com, shall we?
Yeah, just click that link right there. That is basically what I saw today. Like, a kid said something to another kid, who was wearing ridiculous sunglasses, about “turning his swag walk on”, as they practically tried to use telekinesis via eyeball power to will my sweatshirt off.

First and foremost- QUIT. WEARING. YOUR. SISTER’S. JEANS.

Secondly- I am not sure what “swag” walk is supposed to look like, but half you look like you have scoliosis, not swag. Shit’s not cute, bro.

Exactly what you ALL look like. STAHPPPP ITTTT!!!!

I’m really trying to recall if there is anything comparable to “swag” that we did in school. Sure, we drank, we smoked, we partied- but I think when we were out in public, with parents, elders, small children and NUNS, for GOD’S SAKE, NUNS, (<–sorry about that blasphemy, sisters) we were at least able to TONE THAT SHIT DOWN!!!! Not today, apparently!

Not today, indeed, Dikembe Mutombo. SIGH.

Now, honestly, I think I was more focused on the boys of this generation, than on the girls, mainly because I’ve already discussed them in my teen mom blog, and well, becsause, they weren’t walking around looking utterly ridiculous. I guess the boys just seemed way more obnoxious. But, I got to say. If they are all dressing/acting/walking/talking like that, girls must be loving it.

Like a big old greasy, cheesy swag sammich. MM MM MMMM!

Girls- Please, do me a favor, do us ALL a favor- Get off Tumblr, Whisper, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for like, 5 MINUTES and join reality. When your boyfriend’s pants are tighter than yours, its time to really just let him go. I’m hoping its just a fad, a really, terrible fad, like mullets and acid wash- but those fads didn’t come with the attitude like this:

AREYOUFRICKINGKIDDINGME?!?!?!?! NO. NO. NO. NO.
I can’t even THINK right now. ugh.

That’s right. But I bet swag won’t pay your child support, asshat. I WILL.

It is crap like that right there, that makes me really wonder what the next decade is going to look like. It wasn’t the ridiculous clothes, or hair, or makeup that freaked me out today. It was the straight up, shitty attitude that accompanied it. No respect for anyone around them, or even for themselves, sadly. What happened to being original (or even wearing clothes that like, fit at least)? Seriously people, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! I mean, I look at pictures of myself from ten or more  years ago, and its like, ‘oh holy Omaha, what was I thinking?!’, but I honestly am not sure that these kids will feel the same. They are so self-absorbed and just plain arrogant, that I don’t think a Tiger Punch of a reality check could get their minds right. Honestly, I’m hoping once the real world hits their sorry, mommy-needing asses, that they “gonna learn today” exactly how not to be a complete tool. But until that day, here are some of my thoughts, laid out in great meme form on this “swag epidemic” (you’re welcome) because, this whole topic makes my brain cells melt.

swag is an acronym from the 70’s..

  

Teenage Wastedland

13 Nov

Teenagers are fucking booze-blooded geniuses. Perusing a news website the other day I came across an article entitled “Teachers on the Lookout for Laced Gummie Bears”. Now, hold up, wait a minute. First off, 2 of my favorite things are liquor and delicious candy. (In even numbers, of the same color). So OBVIOUSLY, I checked this out. Low and friggin’ behold, these little bastards whose educations I’m paying for, are held up in their BFF Ashley’s bedroom making shottie bears for the killer house party at Zach’s!!! OMFG!!!! Am I miffed? Well, FUCK YEAH. My first thought was not like, “oh god, where ARE THEIR PARENTS”! It was, “well, fuck ME, why couldn’t I think of this? Be all badass Willy Wonka-ing it? Could’ve made a pretty penny, AND been a smidgen more popular. Ugh.”

pssh. I woulda made a GREAT addition.

And, obviously, the news article didn’t take this as holy-shit-thats-the-most-awesome-thing-I-think-a-teen-has-come-up-with as I was. They we’re pretty much all, this-is-horrible-what-are-they-doing? But, they did show a youtube clip, AND made some themselves AND ate the fuckers.  Here’s a clip for an instructional how to. Jazz up that next office party, or church potluck perhaps?

Looks like a fun fucking time. But this then intrigued me to see how teens were getting wasted and inebriated in the days of old…So, I posted the question up on my Facebook to get an idea of just what we all were up to in our glory days….and I got 7 responses. First of all, in the name of research, JOG OFF you people who can’t answer, you are sooo responsible for making my blog less awesome! 😀 But moving on…In the good ol’ days when things were quick and dirttty, this is how it was done:

1. An adult just bought it (3 votes).

2. Put it in water/soda bottles (2 votes, and my personal favorite, you could just drink social studies away and take a quick siesta in chemistry, hitting lunch before you puke!)

3. Drink out of parent’s stash, replace with water. (zero votes, no one is dumb enough to do that. I know my liquor. I KNOW when its been fucked with)

4. Unsupervised house parties (1 vote)

5. and OTHER, to which I demanded a response to, and got 1 vote, and THIS is the story behind how a certain  Isle-Of-WightBoy (yay wordplay!)  got crunked the fuck up:

  • “My ‘other’ method of obtaining alcohol was a friend who worked at a local chain store. He used to wait until they had run their very loud trash compactor (used only once a day because of noise complaints) then hide several crates of beers and a bottle of bourbon in there. At night after closing we would scale the fence and retrieve the booze!! 😉;)

And, hats off to you friend! That is pretty fucking epic in teen bootlegging. Most just stick it in with their playboy under the mattress, in the treehouse or in the sock drawer. Shit, if I turned into a teen again, I wouldn’t even KNOW where to hide shit. I’d be terrible at being sneaky. But gummi bears. Like a portable jello-shot, just bag em up and go. Fuck, you could even get all crazy with it and  do like worms, or skittles, or like, anything. Mmmmm. Liquor Licorice. Goshdamn. YOu can drink the liquor out of a liquor straw. Now I’m thirsty.

Candy? Check.

Booze? Check.

 Happy Drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is done.
Happy drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is DONE.
But, this is all Jenna-In-The-City talking, of course. There is the (marginally) more responsible facet to me (Jenna in the Country) as well who thinks “I will find these kids, give them all a good old Italian back hand to the side of the head, tell them to get back to fucking school I AM PAYING FOR, and I shall eat the gummies while handing out copies of my advice to them: teen-mom-syndrome-scared-celibate for the girls, and boys-how-to-guide-on-becoming-a-man for the little lads.” Yes. That is exactly what I would do. And I would take my wealth of Stoli-infused gummies, share them with my sister (check her out!) on her ghetto-phab porch and make sure we put them up SUPER HIGH. No one likes drunk ass sugar fueled preschoolers in the morning!
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog world domination.
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog-world DOMINATION.

Octogenarian Eagle

9 Nov

Graphic tees. Embellished hoodies. Extra-low-rise hip huggers. Lace camis. Aeropostale. American Eagle. Hollister. Abercrombie and Fitch. All really popular in this town with all the high school kids, college kids and twenty-somethings. But when is old TOO OLD for this kind of thing? Thats something I’ve been trying desperately to find out, seeing as though all of the above noted styles and brands can be found within my closet and wardrobe.

I WISH my closet was this organized. Or even this size.

But, alas, I can Google and Bing search all my heart desires, and I’m just not going to get any clear-cut answer on when I should trade in Aero for Dress Barn. Some say 25-28, others say 30, some are still 40 and rockin’ the graphic tees with the brand splashed all over so EVERYONE can see that YOU. ARE. THE. COOL. KID!!! I asked this question to a few friends who are all about my age. By 25, one will cease to buy the graphic tees that are always on some sort of ridiculous sale, but continue to purchase polos and jeans. One friend is already trading up and looking at blazer shopping. (I may buy him a pipe, and some slippers) I settled on TRYING not to buy the super cute graphic tees anymore and all that by the time I am 25. I do not want this to be all I own or even know how to shop for when I’m say, 40-50. So, I guess I’ll leave it up to the manufacturers and base the age range off the models they use??

There you have it. Aeropostale, American eagle, Hollister Co, and Abercrombie and Fitch. Based upon the “age-look” of the models, I can wager comfortably that I can hold more liquor than any of them. Combined. and when you image search, you get a TON. I even looked for some of older people, maybe dressed in like, business casual? Nope.

Now, lets search for some old lady looks: we’ll go to Dress Barn, Talbots, CJ Banks and TogShop.com. Just for fun.

            Foxcroft Striped Shirt

All really beautiful older women dressed really nicely. One might call them MILFS. But seriously, none of these are in the age range of 28-35. Which, until I can come across the Fountain of Youth (or get hit by a bus), I am destined for. So I did a clothing reconnaissance mission recently. At our dinky little hole-in-the-wall mall, there is a great new store. Vanity. (Awesome!!! One of the seven deadly- my number one store…hmm) I was perusing the racks before a late night shift and these people follow you around like your last name is Kardashian and you have the money of a Hilton. I’m talking like, holding my shit, gophering off for sizes, securing my OWN private dressing room until I SAY I AM DONE. Shoooottttt. And they seem to make there jean sizes a little smaller for us delusional divas. I love, love, LOVE this place. And not too badly priced, I’d even go as far to say I would spend less there than at Aero. Fuck. Not to mention, we also have the fall back Old Navy, which really does has something for everyone.

Look 3

From Vanity. Theres like, 3 looks here. And she's not branded all over like a choice cut of Angus. Nice.

Yeah, yeah yeah…”she doesn’t look 28-35!” Well, neither do I, but someday soon I sure will and I need to stop dressing like a sorority sister and more like the adult I *gulp* am. Thats still cute as hell, and totally acceptable office wear. And they have a “style that works” section for those of us who get called to HR because of fucking ae and aero (and girls on haterade) more often than most, AND a student ID discount of 20% off in-store (!!!!!! Thats like 20cents to every dollar!!!!!!!!).

Addendum to previous pic: I WISH my closet looked like THIS.

I’m hoping this little rave of the fun,  cute-yet-not-miley-cyrus-store hits home for some of the people I see on a frequent basis. Not so much guys, and although some wear the 4 mentioned teen brands well past there welcome, there’s just A LOT OF BITCHES out there shopping in their daughters’ closets. I mean, if your 35 and look like your 20, go girl. Shit. But if you’re 35 and you look like you’re 45, its time to let it go. It’s not coming back. And since I’m 24 and can one day look 30 and the next look 18, the jury is still out on my “age” at 35. I need to be prepared to not look like this:

 

short-shorts and a see-through top. Classy, but even more so at 45.

 A general ass-ho. Nope. I would prefer not pick up my child from soccer lookin’ like that. The shoes though? I will keep my shoes.( Always.) I’d prefer to be a money-making lady with style, such as this:

 

I could do this Monday-Friday. But the weekend? I don't know if I am mature enough.

 

But I can breathe a little more calmly after this clothing adventure as I know now where to find some duds to look good, and can rest easy at night knowing I still have a good 6 years in me to be a part-time hot mess, when the time, money and babysitter arises. Unless I get hit by that bus.

Boys: How To Guide On Becoming A Man

9 Sep

One of my previous blogs was some cold hard truth and reality for the young girls of today’s world. Well, I think its time to give the boys a shot. Now obviously, I have boobs and a bajingo. I am a girl. Woman. So, technically speaking, I don’t actually know the physical specifics on what you do on your journey to that ever glorified manhood, other than things grow and things drop…HOWEVER, being a woman, I do know what a female desires in her Ultimate Man. And, lucky enough for you boys, I am sharing. But be prepared, I will probably take a few shots at your (growing) man-hood.

  1. Social Skills! (And Maturity!)

Being able to be around people is definitely something a boy must master before claiming manhood. And by people, I don’t mean your Bro-mans sitting around a ps3 playing Call of Duty and  circle jerking or whatever it is you do all day. You need to learn what is and what isn’t appropriate conversation with certain people. Nothing is worse for a girl (or woman for the blog, I think I will just go back and forth bear with me) than introducing her new love to her parents/friends/families/co-workers/etc and being completely and utterly embarrassed by some sort of ridiculousness that made its way through his vocal cords and out of his mouth, evading his brain the entire way.

FOR EXAMPLE: You are meeting someone important to your girl.

They Say: Well, how lovely to meet you, I’m so-and-so. How are you?

You DO NOT SAY: “Well, I just dropped the Browns off at the Superbowl and they skidded their way to victory so I’m feeling much better.” (Someone texted me that once. It took a minute, then I realized they told me they just relieved themselves of  a giant shat. Lovely) THIS WILL NOT BE FUNNY TO THESE PEOPLE, (unless they are real ass comedians) AND WILL MOST LIKELY PISS OFF YOUR LADYFRIEND.

You SAY: “I’m fine thanks, and it is a pleasure to meet you.” OR “I’m good, and you?” OR just a “Fine thanks, you?”

And social skills do not stop at verbal competency. You must also be able to PRESENT yourself in a way that says “I’m NOT a Dickweed!” As in: chew with your mouth closed, stop interrupting, farting/burping is NOT acceptable in a common area go to the damn bathroom you barbarian, quit looking at her mother/sister/aunt/friend’s tatas, excessive PDA need not be blasted in front of great grandma, Keep fingers, keys, pens, etc out of your orifices. You can see where this is going. I don’t wanna spell it all out. Use your BRAIN.

This is what NOT to do:

Because that's totally attractive.

Do THIS Instead:

Be Likeable, and for Pete's sake, keep you friggin' mouth closed.

2. Size Apperance DOES MATTER!!

We all know girls love to do the whole ‘look pretty for the guy’ thing. It’s in our nature. I don’t know why, I’m not a fucking biologist, so don’t ask me. I just know it is. So when we spend all this time and effort on us for YOU, do you think MAYBE you could at least change your dirty frat-boy shirt? Run a comb through your hair? Slap on some friggin’ deodorant? I know. Not all dudes are like this. But lets face it- from time to time you could at least DO SOMETHING with yourself. You are not a child anymore, you are striving to be an adult. Some general rules of thumb:

  • Theres a lot of different looks out there (skater, prep, bad boy, gangsta, rocker, what-the-hell-ever) go with what your comfortable with.
  • But don’t be a slob. Stains are out, unless you’re bummin’ around the house together, or like, work a dirty job. But when you go out with beau, be presentable. Grunge can even be done nicely. Tricky, but nicely.
  • Match your clothes, dude. If you don’t know ask your lady friend.
  • Smell. Please refrain from smelling like a fucking jockstrap/dufflebag/gym sock/locker room. Seriously a bottle of Axe is like 4 bucks. And it works well enough.

Yeah, this is tres chic!

3. Be RESPONSIBLE!

Ok, bro. Time to man up. This requires obtaining and KEEPING a job. It’s one thing to get laid off or whatever, but another completely to lose a job and not actively search for another. No girl wants to pay your way for everything. She will (hopefully) want to do things FOR each other, not just be your walking fucking wallet. And please, be a law-abiding citizen. The Bad Boy LOOK is attractive, not the lifestyle. (Girls: for more on the Bad Boy Syndrome, or BBS that most of us unfortunately suffer from, plese view my sister’s blog: http://povertyanddeath.wordpress.com She is a fucking expert on this epidemic.)

Being responsible also goes this way, and probably the most IMPORTANT part of this rule. If you have a major responsibility, like children, TAKE CARE OF THEM. Whether your girl is the mama, or you have a baby mama, BE THERE. This is monetarily speaking and emotionally speaking. Both are equally as important. I know from experience shit don’t usually work out between young parents, I get that. I’M THERE dude. But you are as responsible for that child as she is, after all YOU were needed to help make it. HELL, YOU determined the sex! So seriously guy, buy some fucking Huggies and go throw a ball around. Being a deadbeat will get your ass beat. And hey, here’s some advice: if you have a baby, and don’t feel you can ‘manage’ the responsibility of it, then for the love of all things Holy, STOP PRO-CREATING. It’s scumbags like YOU that give young parents, the guys who try in particular, a bad name.

Mmmhhmmm...You know who you are. And you all sicken me.

4. Treat her like you would want your mom/sister/daughter to be treated.

That’s right. For once, think of your girl as your mother. Or your baby sister (No, not in the sack you perv.) How would you like it if some complete and utter fucking asshole made your loved one do everything for them and the household with no recognition even, feel like general crap about herself, verbally and emotionally abuse her, pressure her into doing things she doesn’t want to do or is uncomfortable with, yadayada. Oh, you’d wanna smash his friggin’ face in, huh, tough guy? Well, then REALIZE that this girl IS someone’s sister, daughter and maybe mother. Maybe YOU’LL have a date with the linoleum. Here’s some tips on how to treat a lady right:

  • tell her she’s beautiful (most effective first thing in am, right before bed, when doing something completely ordinary, such as grocery shopping, and when shes just chillin’ like a villain in those sweats and a sloppy bun)
  • DON’T FOLLOW THE SCUMBAG MANTRA- Lie, Cheat and Steal. Don’t do it. If you feel a need to cheat, break up. If you feel a need to lie, break up, if you just wanna rob the bitch, you deserve your nuts stomped.
  • LISTEN TO HER YOU JACKASS. You should know on past conversations things like her favorite flowers, her best friend from forever, what she REALLY wants to do on a Saturday night. Then act on these observations and do something nice.
  • Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and holidays, or you may die.  But more importantly, surprise her. Random flowers on a random Wednesday just to say you care? OMFG, that’ll melt her insides and guarantee you some sort of “you’re so sweet reward”. Fuck, I prefer those kind of surprises as opposed to Valentines Day. But my gripe with that consumer holiday is for another time.

    They don't even have to be fancy and elaborate. Just show you care dammit.

And lastly, BE YOURSELF. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t, it will get you nowhere. And make sure you do the same for your lady. Don’t force her to be someone YOU want her to be, like oh, I dunno, an ex-girfriend perhaps. Because it won’t work and she will resent you for it.

This is my starter’s manual for shaping yourself into a gentleman. All I know is, this is what I go for, and girls I know go for. So its working for somebody…

This guy!

Teen Mom Syndrome- Scared Celibate!

7 Sep

I was walking through the mall one day, and happened to overhear a group of girls, about 13 or 14 years old squealing with delight over the fact that one of their friends was “O.M.G REALLY PREGNANT!” (yes, they said O M G as opposed to oh my God. Don’t even get me started.) Yeah, its none of my business, and whatever, and no, I did not say anything. But if I could have I would’ve taken those little girls out of the aisles of Justice and Deb’s (tween and teen clothing stores) and into the REALITY of being a young mommy for a day. First, we’d start with some facts about babies no one knows until they have one themselves.

EXPENSE OF A BABY

  1. CHEAP diapers cost about $15 a box…Doesn’t seem bad, but a box lasts about a week, 2 once they are older. That’s what? $60 bucks a month. And don’t forget wipes! a 3 pack for $10! One pack for the car, one for home, one for diaper bag, and by the end of the week you lose all fucking 3!!! And Butt Cream, that’s like anywhere from 5-15 bucks, depending on the kind your baby needs.
  2. Formula- If you aren’t breast-feeding, it’s about $20 a can. Yeah. For food. That they eat every 4 hours or so. That’s a lot of money. And there’s no “oh, it’ll be okay if I water it down or give her juice for a couple of days”…No, it’s not. And bottles?? Shit, DON’T LOSE THEM.
  3. Babysitters- A CHEAP DAYCARE in this shit hole of a town (NNY) is about $180 a week. And that’s poor people status. Hopefully you’re lucky and have a family member or friend to help you out. Especially if you are in school.
  4. CLOTHES- Yeah, teeny tiny baby clothes, can cost just as much as adult clothes. If you ever find yourself in this situation, don’t feel shitty taking help and hand-me-downs. Your baby won’t care if it has on fresh Nikes. He WILL care that his belly is full and his diaper is clean. And any decent mother you know who has a kid a size or two bigger will LOVE to help you out. It’s paying it forward.
  5. Carseat and Crib- Even going cheap on these two will run you about 300-500 bones. And there’s no getting around either

Girls, these are just the ESSENTIALS. Nevermind the fancy bouncy seat(20-100 bucks), the cool play mat (about 45 bucks), playpen(shit, I don’t even KNOW…like 50 bucks?),and God-knows-what-else. And honey, it only gets more expensive as time goes on. Remember that prom dress you want? BEGGED FOR? I bet it’s about $400. Mine was. Now I realize how hard my mom worked for us. Don’t do that to yourself, or your future children now.

Yes, he is cute, but costs more than you can even imagine. WAIT.

Who am I kidding? NO teenager or young adult for that matter who hasn’t at least had to help support their family even GRASPS the value of money. To them, $100 is the lotto. Not a week in gas. So this approach would probably just be equivalent to beating a dead horse. Hmmm. AHA! Teenage girls HATE disgusting things…Lets get some random baby facts going, that no one bothers to tell you before hand!!

PREGNANCY GROSSNESS NO ONE TELLS YOU

  1. Your feet swell, and will stretch out ALL the shoes you wear, and you won’t be able to wear them again
  2. Your hair has a good chance of falling out. And a BIG chance of growing hair where there wasn’t before (chin, belly, nipples…)
  3. Morning sickness can happen whenever, wherever. Like, in the middle of history class.
  4. You also may start lactating…again whenever, where ever…like in the middle of class.
  5. When baby gets big enough it will push on your bladder. Causing you to pee your pants. Like, when you walk, or sneeze, or laugh. How embarrassing.
  6. Hemorrhoids. While pregnant and after labor. It’s a bitch.
  7. You will be an exhausted, hormonal wreck. Sometimes, you hate everyone, you will be a roller coaster.

Not as cute as the celebrities huh? And note the fine hair all over.

LABOR & DELIVERY GROSSNESS NO ONE TELLS YOU

  1. Chances are you will poop, pee and puke all over the delivery table. In front of whoever is in the room (1 doctor, a couple of nurses, your boyfriend, and whoever else you invite in)
  2. Your vagina has to stretch 10 cm to fit a baby. And most of the time, the baby will rip it more on the way out. Or your doctor may just slit it open farther. and this will require stitches.
  3. Your water probably won’t break dramatically, like in movies. No, it’ll leak. Or it may just stay intact and the good ol’ doc will have to take a hook to it and pop it open.
  4. You will bleed. A LOT. and have to wear giant pads. No tampons or sex until you are cleared by your doctor.
  5. Mucus plug- Just what it sound like, girls. A hardish plug of mucus holding everything in your vag. It comes out. Gross.
  6. A c-section is serious and requires TONS of prep time, a shuffling of your insides and you will be sore. For a very very long time.
  7. After you get the vernix-covered baby out, you will need to get the placenta out. This can be done by massaging your very very sore abdomen.

This is the real deal girls. Not the cutesy shit on TV now, is it?

 

BABY GROSSNESS NO ONE TELLS YOU

 

  1. If your baby needed forceps or suction to come out, and a lot do; expect to have a little conehead for a while.
  2. Newborns go through about 10-14 dipes a day. That’s alotta poop and pee
  3. If you have a boy, you WILL get peed on. Guaranteed.
  4. Sleeping when baby sleeps. LMFAO. Get real. You will have bottles to wash, laundry to do, things to catch up on. when you sit down, baby gets up.
  5. Babies wake up A LOT in the night. And want to be fed. You need to be alert and ready for whatever baby wants. Whenever baby wants it.
  6. Spit up will be everywhere. Your hair, your clothes, your skin, quite possibly your mouth. And you will smell like baby spit up.
  7. Cradle cap- its baby dandruff. Rub the head with baby oil, comb the hair and repeat. For however long it takes. It’s actually harmless, but disgusting looking.
  8. The bellybutton- ew. It shrivels up, dries up, and falls out. During that time, it may get infected.

That’s just the BEGINNING, girls. Google “colic”, and “post-partum depression” and “cracked nipples”. Those are always fun!

A baby covered in vernix. With a conehead. JUST about to scream.

Now, here is where these little girls chirp in with “NO, Not me!!! My parents will help me out and do all of this while I go to school, to college, get a job and hangout with my friends!! And my Boyfriend and I will be together 4-Eva, so you have NO IDEA!”

Ahhh. And here is where I break hearts and crush dreams. NO. No, your parents will not be able to be at your EVERY BECK AND CALL as they most likely have JOBS they need to do to support YOU, YOUR CHILD, pay THEIR bills, and no doubt YOUR giant medical bill you racked up under their plan. And HOPEFULLY you will finish school and go to college. and work HARD at it. Let me tell you, any job that pays anything at all is in a few more years, if not already, going to require a COLLEGE EDUCATION. And flippin’ burgers or sellin’ gas ain’t gunna get your baby what she/he needs.

HAHAHAHAHA SOCIAL LIFE?!?!?! Guess what? Your social life just went the way of your virginity. GONE. You may get lucky and have friends that stick by and all that, and they are GOOD FRIENDS. BEST FRIENDS. But while your off being an adult and playing house, they are off ACTING THEIR AGE. And who can blame them? Reverse the roles. Would you rather go to  a house party with tons of friends, good music, food, drinks, and total awesomeness, OR sit inside with your friend and her colicky baby all night bitchin’ about bills? Thought so.

And…give me a minute on this next one…. You and your boyfriend forever, huh? Alright, let’s do some basic math:

The average age for men to marry in the US in 28.4 years old

The average age for women to marry in the US is 26.5 for women

And the divorce rate in the US is…..About 50%

So, please tell ME, how 2 TEENAGERS are going to last in a “Forever” relationship when 1/2 of the people a DECADE OLDER THAN YOU (and with WAYYYYY MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE) can’t handle it?? I don’t care if your 15 or 21. It’s VERY unrealistic it will last, as a person isn’t even fully DEVELOPED until MAYBE age 25. So, bringing a baby into something a volatile as a young relationship is really rather irresponsible. I know, because at 19 I did it myself. And I, like you, thought it would be easy. I, like you was wrong. Granted, I LOVE MY CHILDREN WITH ALL MY HEART. But I think I would’ve liked to stay a “child” a little longer. You have all the time in the WORLD. Take it. Run with it. And when you are older, wiser and ready, share all your cool ass experiences with your children.

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