Tag Archives: women

Equality to All, and to All a Good Night.

28 Jun

EDIT:::

this blog entry came into my timehop today, 1 day after the historic supreme court ruling that ALL Americans in ALL states have the right to marry the one they love. also note I’ve become way more politically involved and am fully democratic and have burned my republican registered voter card at my Colbert/Stewart shrine. I mean, what?  ah, young ignorance.  *shudders*

**sashays all over the place throwing confetti**

 

 

Gay marriage has, at this date and time, been allowed in California (as it is in some other states) and it has also been declared that same-sex couples shall be granted the same federal benefits as hetero-couples, per the Supreme Court.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait…why should this have even been an issue??

Has me swinging too, man.

Here’s my background (it will make my point I promise)- I am a 25 year old, white American woman, registered republican (though I vote democrat- rebel, I know) from JEFFERSON COUNTY, NEW YORK (not exactly liberal- google it), married with children, semireligiousish (baptized Methodist but very familiar with Catholicism as well, fyi), with a pretty ok set of morals, I support rights of citizens, to include the 2nd amendment, I shoot guns for fun (at targets, you neanderthal), I drink rum and coke as opposed to frou-frou drinks with umbrellas, I am usually home in bed by 10 on school nights, work my life away, and am going to school to be a teacher. OH! I am also an organ doner. (don’t let my landlady know- she is creepily obsessed with my eyes.)

Just your average little white lady.

Everything I am, on paper at least, SCREAMS opposition to equality and gay rights. Because the ONLY arguments to it that I can find either have something to do with religion, morals, the “gay agenda”(<–what??), procreation, and the denial of either a mother/father to a child. But guess what? I am NOT against gay marriage, regardless of what my on-paper profile may say. I have many friends, family members, and friends that I consider family that are homosexual, bi-sexual, asexual, trans-sexual, pan-sexual, and it really GRINDS MY GEARS and OFFENDS me that they, many of whom are in more committed relationships than like, 85% of the straight people on my Facebook page.

JUST SAYINNNNNNN.

So, in light of the recent awesomeness of the Supreme Court, and in support of my LBGT friends, I am about to drop rebuttals on all of these “gay marriage is bad” arguments, like in the best way I know how. Through my wit, humor and mad meatballiness.

Prepare for knowledge bomb drop. I’ll wait……………………………………

Here it comes!

OK, first argument- Gay marriage is against God.

please show me where it says this. that God is against gay marriage.

People use this argument all the time. Like, it is used as LITERALLY number one, and when rebutted, they come back and keep it coming. So, I guess to keep this a blog and not a novel, I’ll take that most popular points and shoot ya down, mmkayy?

So, in the Bible, it says this regarding homosexuality:

Leviticus 18:22 – Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 – If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.

BUT! The Bible ALSO SAYS THIS:

Leviticus 19:27–  “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.” (no haircuts!)

Leviticus 19:19 – “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” (no cute clothes)

Mark 10:11-12, –And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'” (well, multiple married people….)

Proverbs 29:15– The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (children need to be hit and not think for themselves??)

My point is THIS. The Bible says A LOT of things. I should know. I went to religious release, Sunday school,  church camp, CHURCH itself, and have read it cover to cover MULTIPLE TIMES.  IF you are going to go full ham on ONE TOPIC, and use that as a basis for WHY something should not exist, under any circumstance, you need to stop throwing stones, get out of your glass house, off your high horse, and scrub the black off your pot, because you friend, are a HYPOCRITE. At this moment my shirt is 45% polyester, 55% cotton, and I ate pig for dinner. I cannot judge the lifestyle or relationships of a person based on verses in a Bible, when I do not follow said verses to a T myself. What DO I follow in the Bible then? Well, the teachings of Jesus and to love your neighbor, do unto others, HELP people in need, and hey- DO NOT JUDGE. I am not the one to judge others, that is not my job. That is God’s job right? I think he can handle it.

How is this even one bit right?? HOW? ..waits…

God and marriage point two (or morals, I guess, its almost the same, really)- so if marriage is between a man, a woman, and God, does that mean Atheists and Agnostics can’t marry? I don’t see anyone picketing THEIR marriages, and THEIR rights…And I know of people who identify as either Atheist or Agnostic and I have never heard anyone up in arms about them marrying…To further my point, my husband and I were married courthouse style, with our parents and whatnot there, and I didn’t give any of my money for the marriage license fee, or the cost to get married to the church…I gave it to New York State. NEW YORK was PAID for ME to get MARRIED. So this whole, gay marriage thing? If you factor in what we paid PLUS the cost of a “REAL” wedding (that we will still have, hopefully)- that is A LOT of cash flow, a LOT of business, A LOT of economic growth. Shit, a dress can be like, $3000 on AVERAGE. That’s ONE HUNDRED times what mine cost!

I googled atheist marriage…I can’t tell…can you?

Point two- Gay people only want to make others gay, and will do so by encouraging their lifestyle!

So dangerous!

What??? Ok. First off, who do you think BREEDS gay people? They are not aliens. LBGT people are BORN, not made. I’m sorry- but every person I have had this conversation with says something along the lines of “Would you CHOOSE to be constantly ridiculed, harassed, tormented, beat up, and discriminated against? NO. I was BORN THIS WAY”. So THERE. They aren’t doing this whole “ooh, I want to be a lesbian this morning, strain ties with my family and friends, be discriminated on, and fight for any right, EVER” thing because it is FUN and to mess with you. JEEZE. Straight people MAKE gay babies, just like we make white babies, and black babies, and redheaded babies, and ugly babies. Shit happens, people. I for one know that if any of my spawn should come out to me, I hope to God that they are in a much more tolerable world for one, and for two, I will love and support them no matter what. Besides, I will probably already know, my Gaydar is LEGIT.

three things I love: glitter, rainbows, and protesting. SIGN ME UP, I will march with you.

Argument three- it goes against procreation, we must marry to procreate.

Actually….no. I sure didn’t (which, would technically be a no-no to God, right?) And I know married couples, and people in general who cannot procreate. So, should THEY not be allowed to be married? Should THEY have rights taken away? NO, they should not. Straight childless couples are entitled to all of the same rights and privileges as straight married with children couples. So what is the difference? IN FACT, I will go so far as to argue this point- a homosexual couple cannot produce a ‘surprise’ child. There is NO unwanted child in a gay household. These children are brought in with love, and a WANT, and often times a HUGE expense (be it adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate, whatever) and discrimination as well, not because mommy got knocked up and kept the kid, and then hates and resents it.

point.

Last point I have (for now, at least)- The permanent denial of a mother or father.

So, like Full House?

BOLSHEVIKS, I CALL BOLSHEVIKS!!!

I know PLENTY of children, who through no fault of their own have grown up, and become a productive member of society without a mother, or without a father. Be it because of a dead parent, a deadbeat parent, or a single person having/adopting a child, it is not that rare. See, most people have FRIENDS and FAMILY who can play supporting roles in a child’s life. For example, a grandpa or an uncle can make a great father figure, as could a grandma or an aunt be a good mommy role model. Even without it though, a kid WILL NOT be permanently damaged by the absence of a parent. This is a risk, not a guarantee, just as it is with kids in the perfect household.

Oftentimes, these kids are SAVED from lives lived in foster care and orphanages. Given up by STRAIGHT PEOPLE

So seriously people, GET WITH IT. As a history freak (and history minor), I will tell you straight up I see this turning out much like the civil rights did. We will progress, and in 40 years seeing two very happy women strolling hand in hand down the street will be no more shocking to you than seeing a black person and a white person together. (Well, for MOST of you, anyways. Some of us still have some catching up to do). I mean, really. Do you want your grandkid to crack open his history book and see this:

“hey….is that grandpa?!”

Because it looks an awful lot like this:

I bet this appalled you. Why doesn’t discrimination against lgbt??

Weren’t we all taught the golden rule? Not to judge? To treat others fairly? Why does that go out the freaking window when someone doesn’t conform to your standards? Please, comment and  let me know.

I’ll be waiting.

This is me. Waiting for you to disprove anything I just said.

Girl Power

13 Jun

If I were a boy, I would be the PRETTIEST BOY IN THE WORLD. That’s right folks. Without a DOUBT, I would manscape, cover blemishes with concealer, MATCH my CLEAN clothes, file and clean my nails (hint hint, hubby), get my hair done at a salon, and maybe even rock a little rouge. Who knows. All I know is, I would be this guy:

 

 

Legend…wait for it….DARY.

 

 

That’s right. I would be Barney Stintson. THEE ladies man. THEE alpha-bro. I would be the guy that wouldn’t need a wingman, but just took one out of courtesy. Why would I be a Pretty-Ricky? Well, because, things like body hair, and sweat, and just gross-guy-ness disgust me.

 

 

ohmygawdno. no.no.no. *shudders*

 

 

Now, obviously, this is ME, and not YOU. Go be all hairy and proud, you beast, but don’t expect a hug, man. I’m just saying if I were a GUY, I would be a very meticulously groomed guy. I would have to be. Thanks to my genes, I have to be NOW and I’m a WOMAN for Pete’s sake. I can’t go more than a week without waxing something. Could you imagine if I was a guy?!

 

 

Dudes, it really DOES hurt, but eventually you will get used to it. Buck up, buttercup.

 

 

No way, Jose. I’m glad I am a female. And yes, I know ladies like to gripe during “that time of the month” that they wish they were a dude. But no. No you don’t. I will take my crazy mood swinging, ice cream eating (thank GOD for the store’s deal this week, let me tell you), husband missing, lifetime watching, biological clock ticking, (just kidding- that needs to be fixed), cramping, crying, lazy, fat girl, Aunt Flo issues for a week every month (minus about 18 or so HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY) for the REST OF MY LIFE, over having to be a hairy guido dude ONE DAY.

 

 

ok. white sheets AND undies?? Someone’s a risk taker.

 

 

My point is this. Girl-hood and Woman-dom isn’t so bad ladies. I mean, hell, honestly, would you want to be a man for one day? I mean, yes, we do have to put the extra effort in when we preform hygiene and dressing, but honestly, most guys who make you get all high-school girly do too…

 

 

I promise you, he did NOT wake up looking like this. That took effort and man-scaping.

 

 

And there are bonuses to being a lady, after all. I mean, here’s my top favorite things about being a female:

 

 

  • Dressing- I don’t know about you, but I. LOVE. TO. SHOP. And dress up, and be a cute little meatball. Guys really don’t have much of a selection of, well, anything to wear. Think of all the cute clothes and accessories you would be lacking in your life, if you had a porksword.

 

think of all the closet space? sigh.

 

 

  • Getting your way- this one is about to get a lot of flak, I can FEEL IT, but guess what? I . DON’T. CARE. (its my blog, so neener-neener) Yes, women have come a LONG WAY since the 20th century. YES, woman can do everything a man can. Yes, yes, yes. BUT, even with all of this progress, I can  USUALLY get: out of a ticket, a little sympathy at work, assistance with homework, or work assignments, out of hard labor tasks, waited on, doors opened, seats pulled, the bill paid, by simply having a bajingo. And at least I have the balls to admit I like it this way.

 

take note: doesn’t work so well on lady cops. SIGH.

 

 

 

  • Pretty-fied: Average dudes really would get a lot of harassment for covering their blemishes, concealing dark spots and fine lines, having their nails and hair done, anything that would make them concerned about their appearance and “feminine”. I know for a FACT if I was a guy, I wouldn’t want to have to walk around with a pizza face when there are products RIGHT THERE at the store that can help cover it while the medicine does its job. And quite honestly, the more I see younger guys on social media apps, the more I think that celebrities looks affect them too. They notice a guy is “perfect”, just like girls do. But them using products is “wrong”. Bullshit. I mean, it may seem like a hassle to shave, wax and put the face on, but shoot, I feel way better when I do it. I don’t really care how narcissistic and self-centered that sounds, admit it to yourself RIGHT NOW ladies, that if someone took your razor and mascara away, you might cry. Just imagine if you were a dude who didn’t fit the standard and THEN got harassed for trying to use products, like tinted male moisturizer. Not so fair, is it?

 

maybe i’m just anti-feminist, maybe i’m behind on the times, but this is what I feel like when I don’t put my makeup on. if I was a guy, good god.

 

 

 

  • Music/Movie tastes: As a girl, I can have tastes in music ranging in everything from Metallica to Taylor Swift, Aerosmith to Ke$ha, Biggie to Britney. A guy? NOt so much. A guy admitting he owns the new One Direction or Justin Bieber CD, would be like, social death. But a girl? Totally ok. Actually makes her “cool”. Same with movies. A girl watching gore, sci-fi, comedies, chick flicks? Normal. A dude in line for the new Nicholas Sparks movie? His girl better be in the bathroom…

 

QUICK! How many guys do you spot at this concert? …yup…

 

 

 

  • The gift of life- I suppose that this is actually the most selfless, and my favorite part of being a lady, therefore I saved it for last. There is nothing on this whole earth that makes me feel as complete and as happy as my children. I never felt better about myself than I did when I was pregnant, even if I was puking non-stop, had swollen feet and stretch marks all over. I wouldn’t trade a second of my time as a mother-to-be or as a mother for anything in this world. I’m not saying I want to be an octomom, or have nineteen kids and counting, but babies are the one thing I can do right, and so help me god there will (hopefully) be more, when, you know, I get my husband back. (and if I didn’t have such issues during my pregnancies, I would LOVE to be a surrogate for someone, but I can’t.)  And yes, yes, you do need a man (or man genes) to complete the process of conception, but from there on out, its all on the momma. The fact that your body can SUPPORT and GROW another WHOLE LIFE is just, like, amazeballs. You should be proud of that, if you’ve had the opportunity to do so.

 

Seriously no better feeling in the whole world. And, like, I’ll have a GREAT mister this time, whaaaattt?!?! SCORE. I’ll be like, Pam and Jim happy, shoot.

 

 

 

I’m not a guy, so I mean, I can’t really tell you how a dude’s perspective might differ, but I mean, this whole “double standard” thing we bitch about? Yeah, but not really. They can have it rough too. Guys are expected to be tough, rough, and handsome, at ALL TIMES. This is not an option. They can’t CRY. Never a moment of weakness, never fretting about their appearance. No thanks. I’ll take my cramps and ice cream, post this, get on Facebook and look at all the cutie pie babies, then watch some chick-flicks. I’m all good with that, and all the parts of being a girl.

 

 

Oh come on. Look at the title. You HAD to know this was coming.

Hey, Ebineezer Screw, Wrap It Up!!!

19 Nov

Recently, 2 disturbing facts have been presented to me regarding our older generation. First: They are having LOADS of intercourse. Being a visual person by nature, this is something that could have been kept out of my mind files. Secondly, the rate of STDs among this population is climbing at a pretty, errr, intriguing rate…eech. Why is this you ask? Well, you can Google, Bing and WIki it to your heart’s content, or you can get MY opinion (which is far more interesting and still fact based). And since this is a MY blog, that is what you are going to get!

So, first off; some definitions from the dictionary of schetti.

Old person (also referred to as but not limited to: geezer, gramps, grams, Capt.Wrinklepuss) noun– someone of an age circa 1940 or earlier. Must qualify for AARP and have on more than one occasion uttered the phrases “when I was your age…” and “kids these days…” Participation in a Medicare plan optimal, but optional.

STD (sexually transmitted disease also referred hereto as but not limited to: trouser rot, clap, ghonno, the itch you can’t scratch, the gift that keeps on giving…) noun– something NO one wants, a disease(s) that wrecks havoc on your porksword and/or ladybit and is or is not curable depending on particular form of said disease. And there are PLENTY to choose from.

Okay skeptics, now your probably calling BULLSHIT because everyone knows that old peeps are just wayyyy more intelligent than us young ass folk. Well, I hate to break you heart (your achy breaky heart- sorry, had to), but here are some cold hard facts. (and some links! Ha!)

  • Older people are less likely to use condoms, both because they don’t consider themselves to be at risk of STDs and because they were never educated that condoms should be part of their sex lives. Hmmm…..sounds like someone didn’t get the ol’ condom-on-the-banana-lesson, did they??ewwwwy.

 

haha, yum. 0_o

  • mid-life crises and on-line dating. Not only do you NOT know the broad your bringing home, you don’t know what she’s “bringing home”.  Should’ve just bought the Audi, huh smartass? Click here for some friggin’ interesting facts.
  • Not using condoms, cuz hey! Can’t make a baby! Again, lack of sex education.

 

You wouldn't be smiling either if you contracted the Clap.

I know…pretty insane. My question was not, “okay, not wrapping it up. Whatever…But how are they GETTING it up?” We’ve all heard the stories about the horrors of turning old and grey, and impotence is a BIGGIE. (ha, or not…) But anyway, it only took about 3 seconds of thinking before I realized:

 

 

Blessing, or curse? I don't know...do you have trouser rot?

Yes indeed folks. Viagra. And lest I forget Cialis, Extenze, Livitra, what-the-fuck-ever. These little pills of potency that are keeping old dusty mattresses arockin’ way past their date of rockature seem (to me and to this article) to be responsible for our little old men and ladies’ pee-pee problemos. The whole damn point of taking drugs like this is to be able to function in an awkward sexual manner, and when you combine this with the facts above (new partners, no condoms, whatever) there is quite the clusterfuck. I mean, you see gramps fillin’ his blue pill script ALL THE TIME at the pharmacy. When’s the last time you saw him pick up a pack of half-baby holders? About as recently as you saw Gramma shopping around for home pregnancy tests, right?

 

Ok, well HERE'S something you don't see everyday.

Well, now you’re surely thinking “Oh my, what an epidemic. What ever shall we do?” Ah, and here is where I come in like Batman following his Bat Light of Justice to save Generation STD.

1. First off, all those pamphlets they like to give the young kids at PP? Well, now coming to a cardiologists office near YOU!

Remember these?

2. When eligible for AARP or any senior discount program, must also enroll in a sex-ed class(on a bi-yearly basis. We know how you all like to forget). And hey, you’ll all be adults, so no fart jokes. (Bonus for the “uppity” type!)

Or, scratch that. Take it with the kids and co-teach history. Give those privileged little bastards a lesson or two in REAL life.

3. When dispensing prescriptions for penis poppers, docs should write “scripts” for Trojans, so Poppa Smurf can discreetly check out at the med counter, without being haggled by the young guns while browsing the selection.

Do yourself and your Louisville slugger a favor, and wrap it up.

That’s basically all I can come up with for keeping the herpes at bay in the retirement facilities. My mind is just still blown over this whole issue. And the fact its such a CLOSETED issue is pretty scary. I mean, we are well aware that Americans on a whole are pretty fat, slovenly and all getting Dia-betties, but AIDS among the Aged? Is there like, a PSA for this? A ribbon? Nope. Just think of all the Golddigging hussies contracting gonnohrea right now, and passing it on to their other boyfriends, who bring it to other people, that get progressively younger and younger until some 18-year-old Girls-Gone-Wild bimbo gets Grampa’s nasty little gift?!(<–here’s my paranoia setting in!!) Good lord, this could go totally Trans-Atlantic!!! So please, to the hippies of yesterday, the cool kids of years gone by: WRAP IT UP. This is one thing you can rest assured we do not want passed along. But, if you do:

 

You can at least send flowers.

Octogenarian Eagle

9 Nov

Graphic tees. Embellished hoodies. Extra-low-rise hip huggers. Lace camis. Aeropostale. American Eagle. Hollister. Abercrombie and Fitch. All really popular in this town with all the high school kids, college kids and twenty-somethings. But when is old TOO OLD for this kind of thing? Thats something I’ve been trying desperately to find out, seeing as though all of the above noted styles and brands can be found within my closet and wardrobe.

I WISH my closet was this organized. Or even this size.

But, alas, I can Google and Bing search all my heart desires, and I’m just not going to get any clear-cut answer on when I should trade in Aero for Dress Barn. Some say 25-28, others say 30, some are still 40 and rockin’ the graphic tees with the brand splashed all over so EVERYONE can see that YOU. ARE. THE. COOL. KID!!! I asked this question to a few friends who are all about my age. By 25, one will cease to buy the graphic tees that are always on some sort of ridiculous sale, but continue to purchase polos and jeans. One friend is already trading up and looking at blazer shopping. (I may buy him a pipe, and some slippers) I settled on TRYING not to buy the super cute graphic tees anymore and all that by the time I am 25. I do not want this to be all I own or even know how to shop for when I’m say, 40-50. So, I guess I’ll leave it up to the manufacturers and base the age range off the models they use??

There you have it. Aeropostale, American eagle, Hollister Co, and Abercrombie and Fitch. Based upon the “age-look” of the models, I can wager comfortably that I can hold more liquor than any of them. Combined. and when you image search, you get a TON. I even looked for some of older people, maybe dressed in like, business casual? Nope.

Now, lets search for some old lady looks: we’ll go to Dress Barn, Talbots, CJ Banks and TogShop.com. Just for fun.

            Foxcroft Striped Shirt

All really beautiful older women dressed really nicely. One might call them MILFS. But seriously, none of these are in the age range of 28-35. Which, until I can come across the Fountain of Youth (or get hit by a bus), I am destined for. So I did a clothing reconnaissance mission recently. At our dinky little hole-in-the-wall mall, there is a great new store. Vanity. (Awesome!!! One of the seven deadly- my number one store…hmm) I was perusing the racks before a late night shift and these people follow you around like your last name is Kardashian and you have the money of a Hilton. I’m talking like, holding my shit, gophering off for sizes, securing my OWN private dressing room until I SAY I AM DONE. Shoooottttt. And they seem to make there jean sizes a little smaller for us delusional divas. I love, love, LOVE this place. And not too badly priced, I’d even go as far to say I would spend less there than at Aero. Fuck. Not to mention, we also have the fall back Old Navy, which really does has something for everyone.

Look 3

From Vanity. Theres like, 3 looks here. And she's not branded all over like a choice cut of Angus. Nice.

Yeah, yeah yeah…”she doesn’t look 28-35!” Well, neither do I, but someday soon I sure will and I need to stop dressing like a sorority sister and more like the adult I *gulp* am. Thats still cute as hell, and totally acceptable office wear. And they have a “style that works” section for those of us who get called to HR because of fucking ae and aero (and girls on haterade) more often than most, AND a student ID discount of 20% off in-store (!!!!!! Thats like 20cents to every dollar!!!!!!!!).

Addendum to previous pic: I WISH my closet looked like THIS.

I’m hoping this little rave of the fun,  cute-yet-not-miley-cyrus-store hits home for some of the people I see on a frequent basis. Not so much guys, and although some wear the 4 mentioned teen brands well past there welcome, there’s just A LOT OF BITCHES out there shopping in their daughters’ closets. I mean, if your 35 and look like your 20, go girl. Shit. But if you’re 35 and you look like you’re 45, its time to let it go. It’s not coming back. And since I’m 24 and can one day look 30 and the next look 18, the jury is still out on my “age” at 35. I need to be prepared to not look like this:

 

short-shorts and a see-through top. Classy, but even more so at 45.

 A general ass-ho. Nope. I would prefer not pick up my child from soccer lookin’ like that. The shoes though? I will keep my shoes.( Always.) I’d prefer to be a money-making lady with style, such as this:

 

I could do this Monday-Friday. But the weekend? I don't know if I am mature enough.

 

But I can breathe a little more calmly after this clothing adventure as I know now where to find some duds to look good, and can rest easy at night knowing I still have a good 6 years in me to be a part-time hot mess, when the time, money and babysitter arises. Unless I get hit by that bus.

(Wom)animal Kingdom

5 Sep

As promised…. I present (wom)Animal Kingdom!!

Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
Jules Michelet

So, we’ve compared a few types of men in the world to the types of animals represented by the traits they hold in the animal kingdom. It’s only fair to all the Owls and Phalaropes out there to do the same to women. Because, we all know there are many types of us too… So lets begin, shall we??

1. Chimpanzee

This lovely lady right here, she knows JUST what she is doing. Evidently, she also gets better with age as a study by Boston University found. Apparently, according to the study, the male chimps preferred mating with older females of the group. They are more receptive than the younger counterparts to copulation attempts, and when in heat, or “randy” they enjoyed chillin’ with the bros more often. On top of this, they also showed up the other, younger era by sleeping with “high-ranking” members (like, a VIP club in chimp world?) and caused more fights between the dudes over their banging-ness. Which, conforming with the guys at BU, is a good thing. Well, you go (golden) girls! This, (if you haven’t already made the assumption) can only mean a lady-chimp is much the same as:

That's right. Stiffler's Mom. ULTIMATE cougar.

Looks like chimpanzees finally caught on to what highschool boys have been yearning for. Stacy’s mom really DOES have it going on. Think about it and it’s an adolescent boy’s dream: She’s well past the whole “OOOHHHHHH will he call me?!?!” phase, has WAY more knowledge about the world and of life itself, and MOST IMPORTANT to said teenage boy, she knows how to use her equipment, and his.

2. Koala Bear

The koala bear is universally known as being cuddly…and kinda vicious. But that is beside the point. For female attributes, heres this: the female koala bear will stay in its “home tree” if you will for 6 months while the Joey she gave birth to in her pouch, grows fur and claws and can see and all that good shit before it comes out. During this time, she continues to nurture it as if she was still pregnant. But she’s not. for the next 6 months, mama koala keeps baby on her back while tending to tasks such as eating, getting food, all that good-mothering shit. After about 12 months, if the Joey is female, it is mature enough to leave mama and start off on her own. If the joey is male, it will leave, but not go too far from mama. A cute little mama’s boy, if you will. To me, a koala bear likens to this:

NO. MORE. COOKIES. DAMMIT. JOEY!

A  stay-at-home-mom, or SAHM. This woman’s domain is her household. She is the CEO of that place, and DAMMIT no one else. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the little ones. All a days work no fucking doubt, and a hard one at that. Plus side, no office dramatics. Downside, very very little adult time. As the koala stays in her tree, and only ventures out with baby, same goes for SAHM.

3. Porcupine

This little ball of fun right here, well she takes the cake for freaky. A favorite mating technique of the female porcupine is to be doused in golden showers. (for those of you who don’t know what that is, let me kindly refer you to urbandictionary.com) Yep. This is like, R Kelly’s dream pet. When the male pees on the female, it completely seduces her and makes her his lover. This is AFTER 2 males compete by SHOOTING QUILLS that have barbs on the ends INTO each other while biting each other, in a frickin’ TREE, and AFTER she makes him dance for it. Not only does this bitch enjoy urine all over her, she also enjoys a good bloodbath and party beforehand to get her in the zone. Remind you of anyone?

I google image'd golden showers. Not happening, you vile perverts.

Yup, that freaky girl you went to school with and heard all those rumors about. That one night stand that turned into a one month nightmare replaying in your sleep. The one who pulls out the ginormus treasure trove of crazy aids and tools to “enhance your experience”. That chic is a certified porcupine. I’m not talking the occasional whip cream or blindfold or what have you. I’m thinking like, Russian war helmet or Mexican avalanche freaky. And, maybe I speak for myself, but….disgusting. Ugh, moving on.

4. Lioness

Okay, I know we covered lions in the (m)Animal Kingdom. And I did tell myself today, “schettisauce, when you do this, you shouldn’t use repeat animals, its boring”. But I had to for this one, it just fit. The Lioness do a BIG majority of the hunting (work) and after having their subs (1-4 in a typical litter) they seclude themselves from most of the pride until about 6-8 weeks, doing hunting around the area they are staying and only leaving the cubs for that brief period of time, like maternity leave. Once they re-join the group, Lionesses often share the duty of feeding each others cubs while the hunting is done. These clever bitches have a DAY-CARE system. Its like, “Hey Nala, mind watching Junior while I go kill that 3 legged antelope over there?” “Oh, sure thing, girl. Don’t worry, if he gets hungry, he can just suckle in with my 2.” Seriously, that’s pretty cool for a friggin’ CAT. And if you haven’t guessed by now, Mrs.Lion reminds me of:

And when I googled "working mom" a picture of a lioness came up. Huh.

Yes, Mrs. Working Mama. She takes time off to have a baby, when baby is sick and THATS IT. Time away from the office, that is. Like a SAHM, a working mother’s job is never done. Its work life, home life, and maybe if she’s lucky (or maybe not, depending on who you ask), sex life. This is a girl who knows how to hold it down when Fit hits the Shan and she. Means. Business. The “day off” to this particular kind of woman is coveted and not to be fucked with. *HINT: if you happen to love a working mom, whether its your own mother, a relative, friend, or God knows YOUR own lady, get her a fucking spa day before she explodes.* Of course, I may be biased. I come from a working mother, and I am one myself. *HINT: SOMEONE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, GET ME A SPA DAY!*

5. Red Squirrel

Awww, how cute! A squirrel! MMMHMMM. Dig a little deeper here, and through the power of the internet and infinite reliable sources, we discover that this cute unsuspecting female is one promiscuous bitch. Yes. This little thing can mate with up to FOURTEEN dude squirrels in a single day. Given that the male squirrel is (unsurprisingly) ready and willing for this whenever, when the “opportunity” arises, the female squirrel decides, oh what the hell. I guess playing hard to get skipped this particular species. Before she even goes into heat, this little hussy spreads her scent around like cheap perfume to get the male squirrels prepped for action, so on her big day, she chases down as many as she can find. And the more she finds, the, uh, busier she is. Sound like someone you know??

Well, spraying scent for squirrels is the equivolent of showing an Italian boy you can eat...

The Slut. The Whore. The Hussy. The Pimpette, depending on how you look at it. The red squirrel is basically just a scaled down version of that girl everyone knows who has a reputation for being a ‘loosey -goosey’. I have never really heard of anyone I know doing 14 dudes-a-day, but that ONE DAY for a red squirrel is like a year for a human. So still, fourteen dudes a year even, that’s pretty friggin’ skanky. That’s like needing both hands and one foot. I don’t know, maybe I’m getting conservative. Or maybe its just my age. 14 dudes at 24 is like, a lot. Eh, I’m a prude quite possibly. But at least I know I’m not headed for Maury one of these days…

14 dudes, and not ONE daddy found. That's really happened. And he's shocked.

6. Praying Mantis

Haha, creepy right? And yeah, we all know the whole praying mantis females rip off the dudes heads when they are having sex thing. Its true and it is done some say to increase the amount of sperm coming vigorously, or maybe the bitch is just hungry. No one can agree, apparently. But, what they DO agree on is that the more fit the male mantis is, the better chance he has for survival. Also, it may help if he is submissive to said female. At least for a little while. I’m not entirely sure if anyone will get this next comparison, but extra points if you do!

Maybe they'll all die off in the recession. I doubt it.

That’s right. She ain’t nothin’ but a gold digger. Think about it. Okay, OBVIOUSLY insects can’t like, be ballin’. But I’m pretty fucking sure they need their damn HEADS to get anywhere. The head, is like, the life supply. And what exactly does a gold digger do folks? Takes your (monetary) life. Like, unless you were thinking with your RIGHT head, she takes it ALLLLL. What bitches. Then again, just do like Kanye “we want pre-nup!”

7. Cuckoo Bird

Female cuckoos partake in “brood parasitism”. It’s a fancy way of saying they are that bird from ‘Horton Hatches An Egg” by Dr. Seuss. Basically, this bird will take her egg and lay it in another species of bird’s unsuspecting nest so that she will hopefully raise it as her own. And this is a kinda big lookin’ bird here:

common cuckoo being raised by a reed warbler

Yeah. That big ugly thing that has a face not even his mother can love, is being raised by a bird he could swallow. To top it off, if there happen to be other eggs or baby birds in the nest that are actually related to the adoptive mom, that cuckoo baby will push them out and KILL them. (sidenote I know think I know the origin of referring to crazy people as “cuckoo”) Baby cuckoo has no knowledge of its parents and when it is a grown cuckoo, goes on to do the same thing. Some even get so good they evolved to make their eggs look like the eggs of a bird in the area. Don’t ask me how, I’m not a scientist. But seriously, just up and abandoning babies, huh??

Fucking terrible right?? I feel bad even posting it, but I'm pretty sure he's just an unhappy model for awareness.

Its one thing to get pregnant, go “oh shit” like 95% of us, and think it over and either

  1.  Keep your baby
  2. Abort your baby (not an option for me, ever. But moving on) OR
  3. Give baby up for adoption.

Never never ever should it be an option to just abandon your baby on some porch somewhere. Yes, THANK GOD hospitals and shit have like safe havens where you can drop your baby off if its like, too much. But I’ll be damned if people still continue to just toss tomorrow’s future into the Dumpster like old pizza. Fuckin’ a. That’s a deadbeat mom to me. Also qualifying for that distinction are the ones who will do ANYTHING to free themselves from the constraints of child rearing. Whether it’s dumping ’em off, letting gramma and daddy deal with it, or worse:

Need I say more? Bitch.

8. Polar Bears

 / ©: Peter EWINS / WWF-Canada

I thought maybe we should end this blog on a nice note. Polar bear females. They raise an average of 2 cub a litter. Due to the arctic being so fucking cold, the pregnant female Polar bear digs a “maternity den” underground where there is more heat. Wait… Where is Papa Bear, you ask? Well, silly, he’s off finding another bear to impregnate and leave. Duh. So, Mama Bear gets into the den, goes into a “hibernation” mode, where she lives off her fat stores and stays there with the cubs until spring, when they emerge and she teaches them all about life in the arctic. Mama Bear stays home, takes care of the babies, hunts, teaches them ways of life, and does  frickin’ everything. Because really, who else will? Kinda like this:

My sister, My Mother, and Me. ALL SUPER SINGLE MOMS. ALL POLAR BEARS. There are plenty more like us out there, and we do the best we can, with what we have. Which sometimes, isn’t much, but love is all we really need. That’s some deep Beatles shit to take home with ya, my friends. But it’s totally weird how there are so many links to animal personalities and the human personalities. They aren’t just animals anymore. And its also pretty nice to know that man or woman, the human being is so complex, you can be a mix of any of these things…Like, I could be a gold-digging stay at home mom, or the dude down the block could be a working dad with a desire to be pimpin’ and flossin’ yo. The possibilities are endless. Which is a great thing about humanity. At least not everyone is a doucher!!

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