Equality to All, and to All a Good Night.

28 Jun


this blog entry came into my timehop today, 1 day after the historic supreme court ruling that ALL Americans in ALL states have the right to marry the one they love. also note I’ve become way more politically involved and am fully democratic and have burned my republican registered voter card at my Colbert/Stewart shrine. I mean, what?  ah, young ignorance.  *shudders*

**sashays all over the place throwing confetti**



Gay marriage has, at this date and time, been allowed in California (as it is in some other states) and it has also been declared that same-sex couples shall be granted the same federal benefits as hetero-couples, per the Supreme Court.


Wait…why should this have even been an issue??

Has me swinging too, man.

Here’s my background (it will make my point I promise)- I am a 25 year old, white American woman, registered republican (though I vote democrat- rebel, I know) from JEFFERSON COUNTY, NEW YORK (not exactly liberal- google it), married with children, semireligiousish (baptized Methodist but very familiar with Catholicism as well, fyi), with a pretty ok set of morals, I support rights of citizens, to include the 2nd amendment, I shoot guns for fun (at targets, you neanderthal), I drink rum and coke as opposed to frou-frou drinks with umbrellas, I am usually home in bed by 10 on school nights, work my life away, and am going to school to be a teacher. OH! I am also an organ doner. (don’t let my landlady know- she is creepily obsessed with my eyes.)

Just your average little white lady.

Everything I am, on paper at least, SCREAMS opposition to equality and gay rights. Because the ONLY arguments to it that I can find either have something to do with religion, morals, the “gay agenda”(<–what??), procreation, and the denial of either a mother/father to a child. But guess what? I am NOT against gay marriage, regardless of what my on-paper profile may say. I have many friends, family members, and friends that I consider family that are homosexual, bi-sexual, asexual, trans-sexual, pan-sexual, and it really GRINDS MY GEARS and OFFENDS me that they, many of whom are in more committed relationships than like, 85% of the straight people on my Facebook page.


So, in light of the recent awesomeness of the Supreme Court, and in support of my LBGT friends, I am about to drop rebuttals on all of these “gay marriage is bad” arguments, like in the best way I know how. Through my wit, humor and mad meatballiness.

Prepare for knowledge bomb drop. I’ll wait……………………………………

Here it comes!

OK, first argument- Gay marriage is against God.

please show me where it says this. that God is against gay marriage.

People use this argument all the time. Like, it is used as LITERALLY number one, and when rebutted, they come back and keep it coming. So, I guess to keep this a blog and not a novel, I’ll take that most popular points and shoot ya down, mmkayy?

So, in the Bible, it says this regarding homosexuality:

Leviticus 18:22 – Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 – If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.


Leviticus 19:27–  “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.” (no haircuts!)

Leviticus 19:19 – “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” (no cute clothes)

Mark 10:11-12, –And He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'” (well, multiple married people….)

Proverbs 29:15– The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. (children need to be hit and not think for themselves??)

My point is THIS. The Bible says A LOT of things. I should know. I went to religious release, Sunday school,  church camp, CHURCH itself, and have read it cover to cover MULTIPLE TIMES.  IF you are going to go full ham on ONE TOPIC, and use that as a basis for WHY something should not exist, under any circumstance, you need to stop throwing stones, get out of your glass house, off your high horse, and scrub the black off your pot, because you friend, are a HYPOCRITE. At this moment my shirt is 45% polyester, 55% cotton, and I ate pig for dinner. I cannot judge the lifestyle or relationships of a person based on verses in a Bible, when I do not follow said verses to a T myself. What DO I follow in the Bible then? Well, the teachings of Jesus and to love your neighbor, do unto others, HELP people in need, and hey- DO NOT JUDGE. I am not the one to judge others, that is not my job. That is God’s job right? I think he can handle it.

How is this even one bit right?? HOW? ..waits…

God and marriage point two (or morals, I guess, its almost the same, really)- so if marriage is between a man, a woman, and God, does that mean Atheists and Agnostics can’t marry? I don’t see anyone picketing THEIR marriages, and THEIR rights…And I know of people who identify as either Atheist or Agnostic and I have never heard anyone up in arms about them marrying…To further my point, my husband and I were married courthouse style, with our parents and whatnot there, and I didn’t give any of my money for the marriage license fee, or the cost to get married to the church…I gave it to New York State. NEW YORK was PAID for ME to get MARRIED. So this whole, gay marriage thing? If you factor in what we paid PLUS the cost of a “REAL” wedding (that we will still have, hopefully)- that is A LOT of cash flow, a LOT of business, A LOT of economic growth. Shit, a dress can be like, $3000 on AVERAGE. That’s ONE HUNDRED times what mine cost!

I googled atheist marriage…I can’t tell…can you?

Point two- Gay people only want to make others gay, and will do so by encouraging their lifestyle!

So dangerous!

What??? Ok. First off, who do you think BREEDS gay people? They are not aliens. LBGT people are BORN, not made. I’m sorry- but every person I have had this conversation with says something along the lines of “Would you CHOOSE to be constantly ridiculed, harassed, tormented, beat up, and discriminated against? NO. I was BORN THIS WAY”. So THERE. They aren’t doing this whole “ooh, I want to be a lesbian this morning, strain ties with my family and friends, be discriminated on, and fight for any right, EVER” thing because it is FUN and to mess with you. JEEZE. Straight people MAKE gay babies, just like we make white babies, and black babies, and redheaded babies, and ugly babies. Shit happens, people. I for one know that if any of my spawn should come out to me, I hope to God that they are in a much more tolerable world for one, and for two, I will love and support them no matter what. Besides, I will probably already know, my Gaydar is LEGIT.

three things I love: glitter, rainbows, and protesting. SIGN ME UP, I will march with you.

Argument three- it goes against procreation, we must marry to procreate.

Actually….no. I sure didn’t (which, would technically be a no-no to God, right?) And I know married couples, and people in general who cannot procreate. So, should THEY not be allowed to be married? Should THEY have rights taken away? NO, they should not. Straight childless couples are entitled to all of the same rights and privileges as straight married with children couples. So what is the difference? IN FACT, I will go so far as to argue this point- a homosexual couple cannot produce a ‘surprise’ child. There is NO unwanted child in a gay household. These children are brought in with love, and a WANT, and often times a HUGE expense (be it adoption, artificial insemination, surrogate, whatever) and discrimination as well, not because mommy got knocked up and kept the kid, and then hates and resents it.


Last point I have (for now, at least)- The permanent denial of a mother or father.

So, like Full House?


I know PLENTY of children, who through no fault of their own have grown up, and become a productive member of society without a mother, or without a father. Be it because of a dead parent, a deadbeat parent, or a single person having/adopting a child, it is not that rare. See, most people have FRIENDS and FAMILY who can play supporting roles in a child’s life. For example, a grandpa or an uncle can make a great father figure, as could a grandma or an aunt be a good mommy role model. Even without it though, a kid WILL NOT be permanently damaged by the absence of a parent. This is a risk, not a guarantee, just as it is with kids in the perfect household.

Oftentimes, these kids are SAVED from lives lived in foster care and orphanages. Given up by STRAIGHT PEOPLE

So seriously people, GET WITH IT. As a history freak (and history minor), I will tell you straight up I see this turning out much like the civil rights did. We will progress, and in 40 years seeing two very happy women strolling hand in hand down the street will be no more shocking to you than seeing a black person and a white person together. (Well, for MOST of you, anyways. Some of us still have some catching up to do). I mean, really. Do you want your grandkid to crack open his history book and see this:

“hey….is that grandpa?!”

Because it looks an awful lot like this:

I bet this appalled you. Why doesn’t discrimination against lgbt??

Weren’t we all taught the golden rule? Not to judge? To treat others fairly? Why does that go out the freaking window when someone doesn’t conform to your standards? Please, comment and  let me know.

I’ll be waiting.

This is me. Waiting for you to disprove anything I just said.


Get Out and Play- An Endangered Concept

26 Jun

So, here I am, having a chat with my preggo friend, about how all her kid wants to do is go, go, GO, (a rare quality these days) and it takes all she can to entertain him, being in the process of growing a minion and all. Not a problem- go, go, GO play with your friends, right? WRONG. Kids, outside, playing- its like, UNHEARD OF these days. Or at least it seems like it is. And what kind of a kid wants to play outside, alone? It sucks a real big juicebox.

It literally looks like this on my street.

See, his friends aren’t the “play outside until the sun comes down” type. At least not as often as they should be (ahem- summer break…EVERYDAY, minions!) And they also aren’t the “get dirty” type either, and actually get into trouble for playing…and getting dirty…

problem- solved!

To which, I just gotta say….What??

Okay, firstly, my mom probably would’ve F.R.E.A.K.E.D. O.U.T. if we were INSIDE every, single, hour, of every, single day. Maybe its because we didn’t have all of these cool video games and phones, gadgets and the interwebs to entertain us for literal days at a time.

Here’s lookin’ at you, Satan’s favorite pastime.

 No. We had playsets, trampolines, pools, trails, woods, bikes, balls, water. We had FRIENDS and we actually SAW their faces, not their profile pictures, everyday. We had REAL social media, REAL games, a REAL childhood.

kick the can? YEAH BUDDYYY. Sign me up!! I will DESTROY YOU!!!

But all my mom had to do was yell “go play” (if that somedays) and we were GONE. Out the door, to the backyard, playing things, building things, destroying things, blowing up things…you get it. Having good ol’ ‘Merican FUN. And we didn’t come home until we heard to dinner bell ring! (yep, we had one) It’s just like, I don’t even know. So weird now that kids don’t PLAY.

I googled ‘merican fun….hahaha you win, google.

Seriously though. It didn’t take a whole lot to get us out. We had a big yard, and lived in the middle of nowhere, so being abducted by some creep wasn’t really an issue as it can be in bigger areas (though we DID have a peeping Tom, but that’s another story). So, I guess I can see where ‘rents these days, with the constant news coverage and all that, may be a little paranoid about sending Suzy and Jimmy outside to play, while they work/cook/clean/relax/crush candy (<– judgment free zone, you guilty mommies!)

I wouldn’t let my two outside unsupervised either. So my next point…

But here’s an idea, you silly Sally’s— GO OUTSIDE WITH YOUR SPAWN! Or if they’re old enough- watch from the door/window/porch!

**SHOCKING!** Guess what?! You can do a majority of things from OUT OF DOORS, AS WELL! And, if you are worried about dirt and germs and pedos, you are right there watching! Now, with mine, I am ALWAYS outside, on account of having no yard and some real winners for neighbors. My friend, she lives in a quieter part of town, with a yard, playset, the works, and he is old enough to have some space. But like I said earlier- who wants to play alone all day?

Sucks a big juicebox, huh kid?

So, for you parents who frit and fret over every germ, worm, bump, lump and speck of dirt, I’m going to do what I do best and make a list for you. A list of WHY outside play and interaction are necessary for a healthy child, and a kick ass childhood.

You’re welcome.


they see me rollin…they hatin….

Firstly- and most obviously, EXERCISE. Running around, chasing, catching, biking, swimming, ya de da de da, all of it burns those happy meals right off. According to the American Heart Association, right NOW, one of every three kids/teens are either overweight or obese. ONE IN THREE. 1 in 3. 1:3. 1/3. Let that sink in.

‘Baby fat’ is gone by age 2/3…unless there is a medical issue, kids should not be having this problem. Exercise and proper nutrition people.

Think of all the time spent sitting, watching, eating, lazing about. That time needs to be spent burning off the excess calories kids eat, ESPECIALLY if they favor French fries over fruit. Obesity in kids wasn’t a huge problem even a generation ago, and almost unheard of previous to that, because guess what?! WE WERE OUTSIDE!!!

In the movies, there is always one. Now, to be accurate, there needs to be one in three.

Second- Dirt and Germs are GOOD for you! Yes, you read that right. The only way to build up immunity to something, is to be exposed to it. Your body needs to experience the germ, fight the germ, learn from the germ, and be one with the germ (I dunno, sounded good) in order to overcome it. Think about it, what are vaccines? GERMS. If you lived your life in a bubble, never exposed to anything, could you even imagine the reaction to a sneeze or some pollen you may have? It would be like Hiroshima is your ‘immune system’.


Third- decreased stress and anger, among other things. Yes, kids get stressed too. And angry, and whiny, and bratty. Well, one way to solve that is to let them stay holed up inside all day yelling at the computer, OR, send their ‘happy asses’ outside and let them literally kick rocks (or throw them, or whatever), until they feel better. Let me tell you, there is nothing a good magnifying glass fire, game of king of the hill, or super soaker fight won’t solve.

that’s right. Pretend whatever you are aiming for is your brother’s head. you become a real good shot.

Another benefit- gross motor skills, coordination. You practice these with running, jumping, throwing, kicking, what have you. It’s a no brainer that being outdoors and DOING THINGS are going to benefit you more in the long run than exercising your eyeballs staring at the TV while engaging in a fine motor skill of pincher grasping popcorn….just sayin’.

……………… >.<……………….

And lastly, my number one benefit of playing outside, with others? Imagination and friendship are developed. Seriously, whether it’s playing a mean game of AYSO and pretending its the Olympics, or building a tree house, playing paintball, or riding bikes- you are using your mind, and making friends.

Fack yeah!

Basically, people, GET YOUR KIDS OUTSIDE!!!! It’s SUMMER. Its time for free play and fun. I can’t tell you how many times a day I get asked if we can “go outside”, and go outside we do! TV and technology can be a drag, and totally addicting, I get that, but YOU are the ADULT. YOU decide when they have it. Unplug and go do something!

If we can do it, you can do it! (look how little they are!) That’s imaginations and gross motor skills hard at work folks!

Links to prove my point, so we all don’t think I’m talking out of my bum. 🙂




Don’t be an Ass Burger, It’s only Autism.

20 Jun

I can’t tell you how many times, on a DAILY basis, I see people, GROWN PEOPLE stare, and point, and yes, occasionally laugh at those with special needs out and about. OR, just be like, completely AGHAST at the whole thing, like they’ve walked into a house of horrors and there is no way out.





Yeah, I’m talking to you.




Unless you are a small child, you have no excuse. Most of the time, I will say people do that quick “did I just see that” look and then look everywhere BUT at the people I am with, which is WAY MORE TOLERABLE than the following responses:

  • laugh, point, mock, be a straight up dingleberry about it (its happened, and I get ANGRY)
  • stare so long at us, I don’t know whether to pose for a picture, or think that maybe I know you and you are waiting for acknowledgement.

I mean, for REAL now, how in the hell would YOU like it if someone was staring at you, deep into your soul through your eyeballs, trying to feel you out?




its just awkward, and I will do it right back.




Not good, that’s how. So, let me give you my two favorite responses to the two most popular reactions that I have listed:

  • Well, laugh and point and joke? Fool, you better bet your McDonald’s paycheck that I am going to FOLLOW you if possible, or if not, say something along the lines of THIS, LOUD ENOUGH FOR ALL TO HEAR (either following you or not), in that particular voice I get( like if Fran Drescher and Joe Pesci had a baby) when I get angry meatball like:

“Oh, hey, this guy, he’s got jokes! Let’s sit down and listen to another one! Shoot, what was that about retarded people? Maybe like, I dunno, take off your sister’s jeans, so that your testicles can drop, and your voice can mature, so I can HEAR YOU when you got somethin’ cute to say! MMMMKKKAAAYYYY?!?!?!” (<—sadly, I have said this VERBATIM)


lol for googling “angry meatball”…but that does have a striking resemblance to me.



Just stare like we are some sort of optical illusion poster. WELL, then, I am going to either stare right back at ‘cha!, or look you dead in your soul sucking eyes and say “HI!” so maybe you can notice that you are like, being a super creep, and it is NOT acceptable behavior.

Actually, don’t. Just LOOK AWAY YOU FREAK.




So, I guess you may asking yourself this- “well, miss all-and-mighty, how do YOU suggest I act? And what is the DEAL with these people, anyways?” (<—been asked that, so…)

I’ll be nice and fill you in on BOTH.



haha, happy meatballs.







Motto: Be a Neighbor, Not a Nazi

Like Jake from State Farm, but in REAL LIFE!


Well, lets see. Simply enough put, act like you always do (unless you are always a toolbag, then maybe work on that, k?)

Seriously. I know, sometimes people with disabilities may look a little, well, ‘scary’, but you are a GROWN PERSON. ACT IT. I mean really. If you were busted up from an accident or something, would YOU want people staring and pointing or laughing like they just walked into the county fair’s freakshow? (or WalMart at 3am? ba dum tiss) NO, you WOULD NOT. So don’t do it. This is where the golden rule kicks in. “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”. What if that was YOUR kid? Because guess what, asshat? They ARE someone’s kid, someone’s family, someone’s loved one, they are IMPORTANT to someone, and you gotta be some kind of Nazi to think that being a complete dirtwad to someone just because of how they look/act/seem.



You are like this guy. Picking on and discriminating against those different than you. Sidenote- I would totally throat punch these two.




And for the love of ALL things holy, PLEASE, it won’t KILL YOU to say “hi” if a person with special needs acknowledges you. Many times when out, they are working on things like acceptable social behavior, and being polite, and in the case of many with Autism, even just making EYE CONTACT is a HUGE THING. If they speak to you, smile and say hello. Like Mister Rogers would. Be a good neighbor, not a Nazi.





come on now, seriously, how many people do you know that can go from Nazi to Fred Rogers that quick? Talent I tell ya!




Also, if you see someone with special needs having difficulty with something, HELP THEM. You would help a child or your grandmother, right? Well, this is no different. Thankfully, in my near decade of doing what I do, on top of having family members and loved ones with disabilities,  most of the people I come across are from Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Cashiers, shoppers, barbers, policemen, community members, whoever- most of them are awesome at not being rude. But then there are those straight off the U-Boat of Unacceptable Jerks. You are the ones that need this talking to. GET YOUR ACTS TOGETHER. FRICK. Here’s a suggestion to all of you riff-raff: Come do MY job for a day. You might walk into my house with a crappy attitude, but I bet you’ll be walking out a different person. (or, you know, you might not walk out, Nazi. *cracks knuckles intimidatingly*)




…what was that joke again? I can’t understand you through your mouth hole.





And for those of you good neighbors- it goes for you too. Seriously- volunteer in some capacity! Be a buddy, help out at the Special Olympics, tutor or mentor a person. Lord knows I do not do my job for the pay, I could get paid anywhere, doing anything. I do it for the personal satisfaction I get, the warm, fuzzy feeling inside when someone accomplishes something, be it putting together a puzzle, making a bed, or saying “hi” for the FIRST TIME EVER. It’s rewarding. The bond I have with people I have met and taken care of day in and day out for so long  will be with me forever. Even if some days I would rather gargle bleach and run with scissors simultaneously. We all have those days, no matter what you do.





First Mr. R, now the girls. You really can learn a lot from your elders, eh?








Short answer- nothing. What the hell is the deal with YOU?

Long answer- well, most of my time doing what I do, and within personal life relation has been focused on those with Autism. Here is the “definition” of Autism, as cited from the DSM V (a fancy book for fancy smart doctors):

[The following is from Diagnostic and Statistical   Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM IV]

    (I) A total of six (or more) items from (A), (B), and (C), with at least two from (A), and one each from (B) and (C)

        (A) qualitative impairment in social interaction, as  manifested by at least two of the following
                 1. marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction        

      2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level        
      3. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people, (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)                 4. lack of social or emotional reciprocity ( note: in the description, it gives the following as examples: not actively participating in simple social play or games, preferring solitary activities, or involving others in activities only as tools or “mechanical” aids )

        (B) qualitative impairments in communication as manifested by at least one of the following:        

       1. delay in, or total lack of, the development of spoken language (not accompanied by an attempt to compensate through alternative modes of communication such as gesture or mime)        
      2. in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others        
      3. stereotyped and repetitive use of language or idiosyncratic language        
      4. lack of varied, spontaneous make-believe play or social imitative play appropriate to developmental level

        (C) restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least two of the following:        

      1. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus        
      2. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals        
      3. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)        
      4. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects

(II) Delays or abnormal functioning in at least one of the  following areas, with onset prior to age 3 years:    

        (A) social interaction     (B) language as used in social communication     (C) symbolic or imaginative play

(III) The disturbance is not better accounted for by Rett’s  Disorder or Childhood Disintegrative Disorder


There you have it, the official diagnostic criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder. Was that a lot to take in? Yeah? Imagine how the kid who has it feels, on a DAILY BASIS, and then imagine how that would feel on top of your stares and Judge Judy attitude. Tsk tsk.  But honestly, this, like Down Syndrome, ODD, intellectual disability (MR for you out of the loop folks), Cerebral Palsy, FAS, TBI, Dyspraxia, etc., etc., etc., VARIES for person to person. One person on the spectrum may not be able to speak, one may have a full-time job. Currently, 1 in 88 children are affected by Autism. 1 in every 691 babies are born with Down Syndrome. Like, that’s a LOT of kids. With odds like that, eventually, you may know one. So think about it, slowly if you have to. HOW. WOULD. YOU. FEEL. IF. IT. WAS. YOUR. KID???




Exactly. Autism (or any other listed below) is NOT, I REPEAT NOT A PARENTING PROBLEM. AND JOG OFF IF YOU FEEL THAT WAY.



  Let me tell you how you will feel. You would feel, at the initial news of a diagnosis, or of a suspected diagnosis, like you have been punched in the gut by Andre the Giant multiple times, while the world is Chicken Little-ing around your head. You will feel like you did something wrong, be it prenatal care, or bad, bad karma. You will DOUBLE feel this gut punch each and every time some ignorant, arrogant, scumbag, loser, jackass, waste-of-air makes a smartass comment. You will TRIPLE feel this when your child/loved one notices. I know, because my child was labeled with special needs (that sound a lot like Dyspraxia, but hey, I’m not a doctor *sarcasm*), I have family members affected by it, and I have work in there too. When you work with someone long enough, they become your family, sorry, no way around that one. So with every success these super awesome people in my life make, relatives or not, I feel intense pride and I could seriously fist pump with them for hours over it (and fist pump we do). But every time someone is a Sergeant Douchebag, I just can’t help but to get that angry gut punch feeling, and go all General Whoop-yo-ass. 



Yeah, lets see how tough you are. I will OWN you.


SO, long, ranty blog short, DO NOT be a jerk. Seriously. Do unto others. If you can’t say something nice.  The Golden Rule applies to EVERYONE.



Now that we’re clear.


Except Hitler. Does NOT apply to Hitler.

And all his friends too! The Golden Rule does not apply here.





Generation WTF

18 Jun

I try, being only a quarter century old, to be a “cool kid” still (the jury is still out as to if I ever was one, however, but I digress). ANYWAY, the youth I’ve seen these days seriously makes me just…ill. That’s the only word I can find fitting. Like, this up-and-coming group- THEY are going to be our future leaders and workers? Oh good God, no.

I kid you not…first image under my “today’s teens” search. Awesomesauce.

Seriously, last weekend, with my mother, my two kids and my niece, we went to the fair. You never really notice teens, until you get a whole swarm of them together. What I saw, I should have documented, but I just couldn’t. It was just too ridiculous. Gone, apparently are the days of not being a complete and total douche in public. I think these kids were like, PROUD of themselves, and it honestly made me think “oh, is THIS how my kid will act? NO.”


The number 1 thing I heard the most today? Swag. As in swagger??


/ˈswægər/ Show Spelled [swag-er] Show IPA

verb (used without object)


to walk or strut with a defiant or insolent air.

to boast or brag noisily.
verb (used with object)


to bring, drive, force, etc., by blustering.


swaggering manner, conduct, or walk; ostentatious display of arrogance and conceit.

Origin: 1580–90; swag1  + -er6

Related forms

swag·ger·er, noun
out·swag·ger, verb (used with object)
Synonyms 1. See strut1 .
Well, I guess that’s about right. But, is that what they mean by it? I mean, this definition came from dictionary.com, so I almost doubt it. Lets look at urbandictionary.com, shall we?
Yeah, just click that link right there. That is basically what I saw today. Like, a kid said something to another kid, who was wearing ridiculous sunglasses, about “turning his swag walk on”, as they practically tried to use telekinesis via eyeball power to will my sweatshirt off.

First and foremost- QUIT. WEARING. YOUR. SISTER’S. JEANS.

Secondly- I am not sure what “swag” walk is supposed to look like, but half you look like you have scoliosis, not swag. Shit’s not cute, bro.

Exactly what you ALL look like. STAHPPPP ITTTT!!!!

I’m really trying to recall if there is anything comparable to “swag” that we did in school. Sure, we drank, we smoked, we partied- but I think when we were out in public, with parents, elders, small children and NUNS, for GOD’S SAKE, NUNS, (<–sorry about that blasphemy, sisters) we were at least able to TONE THAT SHIT DOWN!!!! Not today, apparently!

Not today, indeed, Dikembe Mutombo. SIGH.

Now, honestly, I think I was more focused on the boys of this generation, than on the girls, mainly because I’ve already discussed them in my teen mom blog, and well, becsause, they weren’t walking around looking utterly ridiculous. I guess the boys just seemed way more obnoxious. But, I got to say. If they are all dressing/acting/walking/talking like that, girls must be loving it.

Like a big old greasy, cheesy swag sammich. MM MM MMMM!

Girls- Please, do me a favor, do us ALL a favor- Get off Tumblr, Whisper, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook for like, 5 MINUTES and join reality. When your boyfriend’s pants are tighter than yours, its time to really just let him go. I’m hoping its just a fad, a really, terrible fad, like mullets and acid wash- but those fads didn’t come with the attitude like this:

I can’t even THINK right now. ugh.

That’s right. But I bet swag won’t pay your child support, asshat. I WILL.

It is crap like that right there, that makes me really wonder what the next decade is going to look like. It wasn’t the ridiculous clothes, or hair, or makeup that freaked me out today. It was the straight up, shitty attitude that accompanied it. No respect for anyone around them, or even for themselves, sadly. What happened to being original (or even wearing clothes that like, fit at least)? Seriously people, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! I mean, I look at pictures of myself from ten or more  years ago, and its like, ‘oh holy Omaha, what was I thinking?!’, but I honestly am not sure that these kids will feel the same. They are so self-absorbed and just plain arrogant, that I don’t think a Tiger Punch of a reality check could get their minds right. Honestly, I’m hoping once the real world hits their sorry, mommy-needing asses, that they “gonna learn today” exactly how not to be a complete tool. But until that day, here are some of my thoughts, laid out in great meme form on this “swag epidemic” (you’re welcome) because, this whole topic makes my brain cells melt.

swag is an acronym from the 70’s..


Girl Power

13 Jun

If I were a boy, I would be the PRETTIEST BOY IN THE WORLD. That’s right folks. Without a DOUBT, I would manscape, cover blemishes with concealer, MATCH my CLEAN clothes, file and clean my nails (hint hint, hubby), get my hair done at a salon, and maybe even rock a little rouge. Who knows. All I know is, I would be this guy:



Legend…wait for it….DARY.



That’s right. I would be Barney Stintson. THEE ladies man. THEE alpha-bro. I would be the guy that wouldn’t need a wingman, but just took one out of courtesy. Why would I be a Pretty-Ricky? Well, because, things like body hair, and sweat, and just gross-guy-ness disgust me.



ohmygawdno. no.no.no. *shudders*



Now, obviously, this is ME, and not YOU. Go be all hairy and proud, you beast, but don’t expect a hug, man. I’m just saying if I were a GUY, I would be a very meticulously groomed guy. I would have to be. Thanks to my genes, I have to be NOW and I’m a WOMAN for Pete’s sake. I can’t go more than a week without waxing something. Could you imagine if I was a guy?!



Dudes, it really DOES hurt, but eventually you will get used to it. Buck up, buttercup.



No way, Jose. I’m glad I am a female. And yes, I know ladies like to gripe during “that time of the month” that they wish they were a dude. But no. No you don’t. I will take my crazy mood swinging, ice cream eating (thank GOD for the store’s deal this week, let me tell you), husband missing, lifetime watching, biological clock ticking, (just kidding- that needs to be fixed), cramping, crying, lazy, fat girl, Aunt Flo issues for a week every month (minus about 18 or so HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY) for the REST OF MY LIFE, over having to be a hairy guido dude ONE DAY.



ok. white sheets AND undies?? Someone’s a risk taker.



My point is this. Girl-hood and Woman-dom isn’t so bad ladies. I mean, hell, honestly, would you want to be a man for one day? I mean, yes, we do have to put the extra effort in when we preform hygiene and dressing, but honestly, most guys who make you get all high-school girly do too…



I promise you, he did NOT wake up looking like this. That took effort and man-scaping.



And there are bonuses to being a lady, after all. I mean, here’s my top favorite things about being a female:



  • Dressing- I don’t know about you, but I. LOVE. TO. SHOP. And dress up, and be a cute little meatball. Guys really don’t have much of a selection of, well, anything to wear. Think of all the cute clothes and accessories you would be lacking in your life, if you had a porksword.


think of all the closet space? sigh.



  • Getting your way- this one is about to get a lot of flak, I can FEEL IT, but guess what? I . DON’T. CARE. (its my blog, so neener-neener) Yes, women have come a LONG WAY since the 20th century. YES, woman can do everything a man can. Yes, yes, yes. BUT, even with all of this progress, I can  USUALLY get: out of a ticket, a little sympathy at work, assistance with homework, or work assignments, out of hard labor tasks, waited on, doors opened, seats pulled, the bill paid, by simply having a bajingo. And at least I have the balls to admit I like it this way.


take note: doesn’t work so well on lady cops. SIGH.




  • Pretty-fied: Average dudes really would get a lot of harassment for covering their blemishes, concealing dark spots and fine lines, having their nails and hair done, anything that would make them concerned about their appearance and “feminine”. I know for a FACT if I was a guy, I wouldn’t want to have to walk around with a pizza face when there are products RIGHT THERE at the store that can help cover it while the medicine does its job. And quite honestly, the more I see younger guys on social media apps, the more I think that celebrities looks affect them too. They notice a guy is “perfect”, just like girls do. But them using products is “wrong”. Bullshit. I mean, it may seem like a hassle to shave, wax and put the face on, but shoot, I feel way better when I do it. I don’t really care how narcissistic and self-centered that sounds, admit it to yourself RIGHT NOW ladies, that if someone took your razor and mascara away, you might cry. Just imagine if you were a dude who didn’t fit the standard and THEN got harassed for trying to use products, like tinted male moisturizer. Not so fair, is it?


maybe i’m just anti-feminist, maybe i’m behind on the times, but this is what I feel like when I don’t put my makeup on. if I was a guy, good god.




  • Music/Movie tastes: As a girl, I can have tastes in music ranging in everything from Metallica to Taylor Swift, Aerosmith to Ke$ha, Biggie to Britney. A guy? NOt so much. A guy admitting he owns the new One Direction or Justin Bieber CD, would be like, social death. But a girl? Totally ok. Actually makes her “cool”. Same with movies. A girl watching gore, sci-fi, comedies, chick flicks? Normal. A dude in line for the new Nicholas Sparks movie? His girl better be in the bathroom…


QUICK! How many guys do you spot at this concert? …yup…




  • The gift of life- I suppose that this is actually the most selfless, and my favorite part of being a lady, therefore I saved it for last. There is nothing on this whole earth that makes me feel as complete and as happy as my children. I never felt better about myself than I did when I was pregnant, even if I was puking non-stop, had swollen feet and stretch marks all over. I wouldn’t trade a second of my time as a mother-to-be or as a mother for anything in this world. I’m not saying I want to be an octomom, or have nineteen kids and counting, but babies are the one thing I can do right, and so help me god there will (hopefully) be more, when, you know, I get my husband back. (and if I didn’t have such issues during my pregnancies, I would LOVE to be a surrogate for someone, but I can’t.)  And yes, yes, you do need a man (or man genes) to complete the process of conception, but from there on out, its all on the momma. The fact that your body can SUPPORT and GROW another WHOLE LIFE is just, like, amazeballs. You should be proud of that, if you’ve had the opportunity to do so.


Seriously no better feeling in the whole world. And, like, I’ll have a GREAT mister this time, whaaaattt?!?! SCORE. I’ll be like, Pam and Jim happy, shoot.




I’m not a guy, so I mean, I can’t really tell you how a dude’s perspective might differ, but I mean, this whole “double standard” thing we bitch about? Yeah, but not really. They can have it rough too. Guys are expected to be tough, rough, and handsome, at ALL TIMES. This is not an option. They can’t CRY. Never a moment of weakness, never fretting about their appearance. No thanks. I’ll take my cramps and ice cream, post this, get on Facebook and look at all the cutie pie babies, then watch some chick-flicks. I’m all good with that, and all the parts of being a girl.



Oh come on. Look at the title. You HAD to know this was coming.

How To Not Look Like A Dummy On The Internet

7 Jun

Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. Snapchat. Tumblr .Pinterest. Blogs. Myspace. (is that still a thing?)  Who knows what else. Social media is the heart and soul of most teenagers/young adults in America. Every teenager/young adult (and even adults) I know has at least ONE of these, chockfull of photos, info, thoughts, “friends”, anything. And if you are like most teens, this future generation, this is a bad, bad thing.

like this. This is a bad, bad thing. Now AND later, Just watch.

“OMFG. What is this old hag’s problem?”, you are probably eye rolling at your computer screen. “who caressssss about my tote adorb pics and stuff? Gawd.” Well, future generation of people who will be doing adult type things at some point in the near future; let me tell you who cares.

Me. And the rest of the employers of the world.

we definitely judge everything you post online (you are NOT anonymous) before hiring you. shh.

First of all, there is nothing I LOATHE MORE than seeing some dumb, teenage, trainwreck of half naked selfies, TMI posts, drinking and drug references just cluttering up the internet. Why? Well, frankly, my future leaders and workforce consist of these people, and who the HELL wants Joe Schmoe “smoke it up, drink it down,” or Miss “look like Barbie, smoke like Marley, party like Ke$ha” on the payroll OR someday influencing the minds of their children?

20 years from now: “hey mom! Its my TEACHER!”

No one. That’s who. My general rule of thumb for putting things on the internet:

WWGD. What would Grandma(pa) Do (if they saw this post)?

If this is nonni’s face after scrolling Facebook, you are doing it wrong.

Basically, if are going to post something, think about it. Is it something you wouldn’t care that your parents, grandparents, family, or teachers saw? No. Then whatever. Any hesitation? Do me a solid, and don’t post it. What is even on the internet for like, a literal SECOND, can be saved forever.

I bet this guy’s pops is SUPER PROUD.

But, I don’t know. Maybe some of you are orphans. Or asshats with no empathy for what your family feels. Maybe you are just a stone cold soul, driven by crisp Benjamins. In that case, STILL follow the grandma rule. Why? Well, because bosses are pretty friggin’ picky, THAT’S WHY. Unless you plan on flippin’ some burgers for the rest of your life, pop a squat, and let me tell you what NOT to do on the internet, (because NO , you are NOT anonymous) and WHY.

consider this your ten commandments to the internet. You are welcome.

1) Profile Pic- ok, so the first thing I am going to do as a prospective employer, is look you up on Facebook/Myspce/Twitter/whatever. Nearly everyone on this continent has a Facebook/Myspace/Twitter/whatever. I will type in your name, and hit search. Multiple hits? Not a problem. I will search by location too.

It’s really quite easy. And your profile pic is public no matter what. Even if you block EVERYTHING ELSE.

So, I find you. The FIRST THING I do is check out your profile pic. Why? Well, a book IS judged by its cover, and if you look like you: haven’t showered in a week, shop at Baby Gap, are just plain skanky, would take ten dollas and make me holla, run a weird baby-blood drinking cult, do coke off a VERTICAL mirror, DUCKFACE OF ANY VARIATION, anything racist, sexist, or homophobic, or look like a serial killer– I’m probably going to pass.

Creep-tastic. Catwoman on the loo. Can we all just agree that the bathroom pic should be laid to rest?? Please??? FML.

Seriously, kids— CHOOSE YOUR PROFILE PIC WISELY! And I can click that pic, and go see past ones. So do yourself a favor and delete anything unsavory. Please. This is LITERALLY the first thing I do when I get your name. I will find you. And I will assess you. So, just like, a generic, oh-me-so-happy-face, kittens, babies, the beach, anything that grandma would put on her fridge.

Liam Neeson may be able to find people and kill them, but I will find you, and I will judge your skills as an employee.

2) TMI About You. Yes, there is such a thing as too much information! I do not need to know everything, in fact, NO ONE does, and its just like, ooh. Too much. I like to keep a low profile, and you should too! Don’t go spouting off all your business for the whole worldwide web! Schools, education, family, a little snippet into your life? Super doops. Questionable quotes and interests? Not so much. Like, half the time, an ‘about me’ section is just as public as that profile pic, and social media is CONSTANTLY changing their ‘settings’ so, you gotta stay on top of it. Or you know, just don’t post anything that will come back to bite you in the ass.

This guy. This guy is an example of oversharing. We don’t need to know everything.

3) Drug/Alcohol references- yes, yes, we all love a nice, refreshing drink now and again, and usually it is well deserved. The difference though? Most of us may go out, post a couple of pics, maybe a brief status, but in no way do our Facebook “lives” revolve around the drink. I could be a waste case RIGHT NOW, and my Facebook would not give that away. I don’t want my boss seeing that I’m perma-drunk from 5:30 Friday to 8:50 Monday, you shouldn’t either! Constant drinking, (and worse, drug) references, are not going to get you into that school, or that nice corner office. It’ll get you to AA. Worse than the drinking, though are definitely the drug references. I may partake in the occasional drink, but I don’t do drugs. I don’t have anything against those who do- I mean, it is your life, whatever floats your boat, but people, PLEASE stop putting it ON BLAST on the INTERNET. No one wants to know that you ‘wake and bake’, no one cares that it ‘is finally 4:20’, no one needs to see a picture of your bowl and stash! MMMKAY?! Especially not a perspective employer or school. You will NOT, I repeat WILL NOT be taken seriously, and if they do not catch it, you will just pee dirrrtier than Christina Aguilera circa 2002. Most jobs today that are worth the paycheck, they drug test.

Classy as hell.

4) TMI- again. This also following number 2, goes along with your timeline/newsfeed/tweets/whatever. Don’t be an over sharer. If you have a completely public profile (idiot), or if you get friended by a boss or co-worker, just please, check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self. I don’t even know how many times I have blocked and/or unfriended someone (guys and girls) who just grind my gear, overshare their lives, clutter up my newsfeed. Don’t be annoying Alice. Seriously. NO ONE LIKES AN OVER SHARER.  TMI posts as well, about your school, job, boss, co-workers, teachers, can all land you in between a rock and a hard place.

I’m all for funny memes and ecards, but try not to call your boss out on a public forum. He/She will find out.

5) And finally- proper grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I get that you are an “individual” and “unique” and blah-blah-blah. But for the love of everything holy, does your phone NOT HAVE AUTOCORRECT?! Does your PC not make green and red squiggles under things that are not correct?! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, convey your thoughts in the proper way. You ‘sound’ like an idiot when every literal thing you post needs to be read through at least twice in order to get the GIST of it. Again with the annoying and unfriending. This communicates to me that you either have: a )no literature or reading comprehension skills, b) you just don’t care. WAT is not WHAT, U is not YOU, etc., etc., etc.  The standard LOL and its family? Okay for me. But seriously, don’t write/type like this, because you will get into the habit, do it on a VERY IMPORTANT paper, and look like a jackass.

Just google image search “facebook spelling fails”. You won’t be disappointed.

But I mean really, people. It isn’t that hard to keep your online self in check. This is literally the list of the top 5 things every boss will check up on in every employee they have. Updating your status on your sick day from the beach and not the couch? Just dumb. Think about you and your stuff as a boss/college would. Is it something YOU would pay on a bi-weekly basis?? No? Guess you have some fixing to do.

Embracing the suck, SUCKS. A Guide to Surviving the Long Distance Relationship

3 Jun

As of this very minute of me typing this sentence, Tyler and I have been married for 136 days, 4 hours and 51 minutes. He has been gone over EIGHTEEN HUNDRED MILES AWAY FOR 90 days, 20 hours and 21 minutes. I’m no math whiz (obviously) but that’s like, 46 days we were together (thank you calculator). So, literally, over half of our marriage has been spent apart. Ah, well, TECHNICALLY, you could count the 4 ‘days’ we got to spend with him in May towards time together I suppose, but still. Over half, and who knows HOW much more to go. This is probably the best image representation of our relationship I can come up with:


What is up with stick girl’s legs?? How is she even standing?!


And, as cute as these two little stick figures are, it SUCKS. SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS. But, you must learn how to “embrace the suck”, or make the most of a bad, terrible, FUBAR situation. (I’m just full of cool slang today. Look at me, shoooot). There are endless ways to do this, and tons of suggestions and 101 lists online. Some of the ideas are fun, and some…well, just really sucky. So, being the most awesome girl around, I’m going to give you a quick run-down of how you may be feeling, at any particular moment, and things to do to make the suck more, “un-sucky”.


FIRST- Lets talk feelings!


Now, how does that make you feel?

Well, I’m just going to go ahead and be a sharer right now (you’re welcome) and let you in on my emotions during this “time without Tyler”. Now, we spent at least part of every. single. day. together. So, when I drove him to that building (that I still sometimes look at all angry and passive-aggressive like, hence the attitude infused italics), I tried really, super hard not to cry like a baby and, well, I failed. This was bad for two reasons: 1) I didn’t want to make him feel bad for leaving, it’s not like he COULDN’T; 2) I have a pretty badass rep to uphold, and I have an ugly cryface.


Yup. That’s about right.

Okay, okay, technically that is three reasons. Whatever. But after I dropped him off, I purposely scheduled myself to work the rest of the day. Why? Well, so I could be surrounded by friends, and keep busy and not eat myself into a Ben and Jerry’s coma, THATS WHY.


At least it would’ve been a sweet, delicious, death.


Anyhow, I survived. It was hard. I was sad, and angry, and miserable, and lonely, and crazy. Like, I would have NO ONE over the age of five at home to talk to. Talking about dinosaurs and dollies- fun. 24/7? Ermergerd. Tyler, for those of you who don’t know, left for basic training with the Air Force. This meant, like THREE phone calls within 8.5 weeks, and the occasional letter (four, I think). That was it for hearing from him. To feel better, I wrote EVERY SINGLE DAY, wore his shirts to bed, and around the house, and stayed busy. When the communication is forcibly cut, the suck REALLY SUCKS.

It felt like that happened. My phone was always on, but never ringing.


To keep myself from a cannoli coma or a nervous breakdown, guess what? I went out and DID SHIT. LIKE A BOSS. Granted, I took a mental vacation for about a week, where I didn’t like, brush my hair, fix my face, or look at my clothes before walking out the door, and honestly, I think it may have been starting to scare people.


If these two crazy kids had a baby, it would’ve been me


And finally, one day, I woke up and said to myself “GET IT TOGETHER FIASCHETTI ADLE!!! YOU ARE ON A ONE WAY TRIP TO NASTYVILLE ON THE HOT MESS EXPRESS!!” I promptly hopped in the shower, did my hair, LOOKED at my clothes, put *some* face on, and went to school/work. And people like, ASSOCIATED with me. I wasn’t Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club anymore! Success!




Getting up, and actually DOING stuff (like my homework, my job, and my own hygiene) made me feel better. I think I needed a week long pity party, and you might too. And that’s a-o-freaking-k. But for Pete’s sake, PULL IT TOGETHER. You may be in it for the long haul, you WILL start to smell. But I will tell you, after a couple weeks, things get a little more routine. For lack of a better term, you will ‘get used to it’. Not to say that you will like it, necessarily, but things will slowly fall into place, and you WILL SURVIVE.


This is your motto.


Well, now that you know how you MAY feel (bad, good, sucky, angry, indifferent- basically a rollercoaster) here are some things that you can do to embrace the big old suck. They aren’t in any particular order, but are things that work for us.




1) Write to him/her. I wrote a letter a day, sometimes two, to Tyler. It was like talking to him and telling him my day, like I always do, and it really did help me feel better. Even if he didn’t get to write back for what seemed like forever, it was still therapeutic for me. I had his address memorized by heart, I could fill out the envelope in my sleep.


A letter a day. Literally. If he wasn’t my husband, this could be grounds for stalking.


2) If you can go there- DO IT!!!! I went to see Tyler, with the kids and his family to see him graduate from basic. From New York to Texas. Between planning, shopping, packing, and thinking about the trip, time seemed to FLY BY. If you can afford it, I recommend going to see them. It was hands down, the BEST four days I have had, and the best vacation as well. As soon as we can plan it, pay for it, and iron out the fine details, I will be going again, this time to his Tech school, spending an uninterrupted weekend together. And as soon as he is done, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to wherever it is to be with him, and stop this cycle of suck.


Even if I have to eat ramen for 6 months, I WILL go see you. ❤


3) Skype!! This has got to be, like, theeeee greatest thing since cannoli ice cream. Now that Tyler is in tech school (job college, of sorts) he can Skype with me after his day and my day! We can talk and ‘see’ each other for as long as we want! And text too! Now there is no crackly phone with a drill instructor yelling to get off it in the background! This has to have been the most recent thing to have lessened the suck, for sure, hands down. It sucks that I can’t PHYSICALLY be in a room with him, but this is like, way better than previous communication. If you don’t have it, invest in it.


Lol, but this is like, a legit thing. I think we will pass. I’m pretty sure I have an ugly sleep face too.


4) Keep busy! I had school, work, 2 kids, a diet (no cannoli ice cream for me), planning a trip, and candy crush to keep me occupied. Whatever you can do- do it. Now that school is over, I have my blogging to keep me entertained, and not only is it helping ME, its helping YOU! Look at me, all philanthropic and stuff! But seriously, DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. You like your sanity, don’t you?


Be warned- candy crush WILL steal your soul.


5) Countdown- Literally, sometimes the only thing that will help some days is a countdown of when you will see each other again. This worked for me with boot camp, but since we have no idea when I’m going to see him OR when he is coming home, its not such a good tool now. But I have a countdown app for my phone, and in every letter I made a big ” X MORE DAYS!!”, so he could count down too.


And lookie there, his handsome little face in the background. dawwww.


6) A support system- be it co-workers, friends, or family, or in my case a trifecta of all three, you NEED a support system like a girl needs spanx. They don’t even have to necessarily have first hand experience with your situation to be able to love, support, and help you. My friends joked with me, drank with me, gossiped with me, texted me when they knew I’d be at my loneliest. My co-workers let me get away with being a wild, bummy, she-beast. And picked me up when I needed it. My family helped with the kids, listened to me, spent time with me on days where I would’ve usually had Tyler there to occupy me. My mother-in-law basically handled all  aspects of planning the Texas trip, because if anyone is clueless about these types of things, it is me. I THANK MY LUCKY STARS for all of these people I had, who had and still have my back.


We all have that one special person in our life. Cherish it!


Hopefully with this little knowledge bomb of life ex-suck-ience I have dropped on you, you will see that you CAN do it. Long distance isn’t a death sentence. So put down the spoon, turn off the tears, get off your ass, shower, get DRESSED and realize your world isn’t going to end sweetcheeks. It is what you make it. I used to be a pretty stressed out crazy sideshow of a meatball. Now I’m a slightly smaller, more relaxed, c’est-la-vie type of girl. Just roll with those punches. It will get dirty, and bitter, and frustrating, but you will make it, and look as happy as these two kiddos here:


Aren’t we just ADORABLE!?!?!?!?! GAWD!

Teen Mom Syndrome- Scared Celibate!

1 Jun


I was walking through the mall one day, and happened to overhear a group of girls, about 13 or 14 years old squealing with delight over the fact that one of their friends was “O.M.G REALLY PREGNANT!” (yes, they said O M G as opposed to oh my God. Don’t even get me started.) Yeah, its none of my business, and whatever, and no, I did not say anything. But if I could have I would’ve taken those little girls out of the aisles of Justice and Deb’s (tween and teen clothing stores) and into the REALITY of being a young mommy for a day. First, we’d start with some facts about babies no one knows until they have one themselves.


  1. CHEAP diapers cost about $15 a box…Doesn’t seem bad, but a box lasts about a week, 2 once they are older. That’s what? $60 bucks a…

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Hey, Ebineezer Screw, Wrap It Up!!!

19 Nov

Recently, 2 disturbing facts have been presented to me regarding our older generation. First: They are having LOADS of intercourse. Being a visual person by nature, this is something that could have been kept out of my mind files. Secondly, the rate of STDs among this population is climbing at a pretty, errr, intriguing rate…eech. Why is this you ask? Well, you can Google, Bing and WIki it to your heart’s content, or you can get MY opinion (which is far more interesting and still fact based). And since this is a MY blog, that is what you are going to get!

So, first off; some definitions from the dictionary of schetti.

Old person (also referred to as but not limited to: geezer, gramps, grams, Capt.Wrinklepuss) noun– someone of an age circa 1940 or earlier. Must qualify for AARP and have on more than one occasion uttered the phrases “when I was your age…” and “kids these days…” Participation in a Medicare plan optimal, but optional.

STD (sexually transmitted disease also referred hereto as but not limited to: trouser rot, clap, ghonno, the itch you can’t scratch, the gift that keeps on giving…) noun– something NO one wants, a disease(s) that wrecks havoc on your porksword and/or ladybit and is or is not curable depending on particular form of said disease. And there are PLENTY to choose from.

Okay skeptics, now your probably calling BULLSHIT because everyone knows that old peeps are just wayyyy more intelligent than us young ass folk. Well, I hate to break you heart (your achy breaky heart- sorry, had to), but here are some cold hard facts. (and some links! Ha!)

  • Older people are less likely to use condoms, both because they don’t consider themselves to be at risk of STDs and because they were never educated that condoms should be part of their sex lives. Hmmm…..sounds like someone didn’t get the ol’ condom-on-the-banana-lesson, did they??ewwwwy.


haha, yum. 0_o

  • mid-life crises and on-line dating. Not only do you NOT know the broad your bringing home, you don’t know what she’s “bringing home”.  Should’ve just bought the Audi, huh smartass? Click here for some friggin’ interesting facts.
  • Not using condoms, cuz hey! Can’t make a baby! Again, lack of sex education.


You wouldn't be smiling either if you contracted the Clap.

I know…pretty insane. My question was not, “okay, not wrapping it up. Whatever…But how are they GETTING it up?” We’ve all heard the stories about the horrors of turning old and grey, and impotence is a BIGGIE. (ha, or not…) But anyway, it only took about 3 seconds of thinking before I realized:



Blessing, or curse? I don't know...do you have trouser rot?

Yes indeed folks. Viagra. And lest I forget Cialis, Extenze, Livitra, what-the-fuck-ever. These little pills of potency that are keeping old dusty mattresses arockin’ way past their date of rockature seem (to me and to this article) to be responsible for our little old men and ladies’ pee-pee problemos. The whole damn point of taking drugs like this is to be able to function in an awkward sexual manner, and when you combine this with the facts above (new partners, no condoms, whatever) there is quite the clusterfuck. I mean, you see gramps fillin’ his blue pill script ALL THE TIME at the pharmacy. When’s the last time you saw him pick up a pack of half-baby holders? About as recently as you saw Gramma shopping around for home pregnancy tests, right?


Ok, well HERE'S something you don't see everyday.

Well, now you’re surely thinking “Oh my, what an epidemic. What ever shall we do?” Ah, and here is where I come in like Batman following his Bat Light of Justice to save Generation STD.

1. First off, all those pamphlets they like to give the young kids at PP? Well, now coming to a cardiologists office near YOU!

Remember these?

2. When eligible for AARP or any senior discount program, must also enroll in a sex-ed class(on a bi-yearly basis. We know how you all like to forget). And hey, you’ll all be adults, so no fart jokes. (Bonus for the “uppity” type!)

Or, scratch that. Take it with the kids and co-teach history. Give those privileged little bastards a lesson or two in REAL life.

3. When dispensing prescriptions for penis poppers, docs should write “scripts” for Trojans, so Poppa Smurf can discreetly check out at the med counter, without being haggled by the young guns while browsing the selection.

Do yourself and your Louisville slugger a favor, and wrap it up.

That’s basically all I can come up with for keeping the herpes at bay in the retirement facilities. My mind is just still blown over this whole issue. And the fact its such a CLOSETED issue is pretty scary. I mean, we are well aware that Americans on a whole are pretty fat, slovenly and all getting Dia-betties, but AIDS among the Aged? Is there like, a PSA for this? A ribbon? Nope. Just think of all the Golddigging hussies contracting gonnohrea right now, and passing it on to their other boyfriends, who bring it to other people, that get progressively younger and younger until some 18-year-old Girls-Gone-Wild bimbo gets Grampa’s nasty little gift?!(<–here’s my paranoia setting in!!) Good lord, this could go totally Trans-Atlantic!!! So please, to the hippies of yesterday, the cool kids of years gone by: WRAP IT UP. This is one thing you can rest assured we do not want passed along. But, if you do:


You can at least send flowers.

Teenage Wastedland

13 Nov

Teenagers are fucking booze-blooded geniuses. Perusing a news website the other day I came across an article entitled “Teachers on the Lookout for Laced Gummie Bears”. Now, hold up, wait a minute. First off, 2 of my favorite things are liquor and delicious candy. (In even numbers, of the same color). So OBVIOUSLY, I checked this out. Low and friggin’ behold, these little bastards whose educations I’m paying for, are held up in their BFF Ashley’s bedroom making shottie bears for the killer house party at Zach’s!!! OMFG!!!! Am I miffed? Well, FUCK YEAH. My first thought was not like, “oh god, where ARE THEIR PARENTS”! It was, “well, fuck ME, why couldn’t I think of this? Be all badass Willy Wonka-ing it? Could’ve made a pretty penny, AND been a smidgen more popular. Ugh.”

pssh. I woulda made a GREAT addition.

And, obviously, the news article didn’t take this as holy-shit-thats-the-most-awesome-thing-I-think-a-teen-has-come-up-with as I was. They we’re pretty much all, this-is-horrible-what-are-they-doing? But, they did show a youtube clip, AND made some themselves AND ate the fuckers.  Here’s a clip for an instructional how to. Jazz up that next office party, or church potluck perhaps?

Looks like a fun fucking time. But this then intrigued me to see how teens were getting wasted and inebriated in the days of old…So, I posted the question up on my Facebook to get an idea of just what we all were up to in our glory days….and I got 7 responses. First of all, in the name of research, JOG OFF you people who can’t answer, you are sooo responsible for making my blog less awesome! 😀 But moving on…In the good ol’ days when things were quick and dirttty, this is how it was done:

1. An adult just bought it (3 votes).

2. Put it in water/soda bottles (2 votes, and my personal favorite, you could just drink social studies away and take a quick siesta in chemistry, hitting lunch before you puke!)

3. Drink out of parent’s stash, replace with water. (zero votes, no one is dumb enough to do that. I know my liquor. I KNOW when its been fucked with)

4. Unsupervised house parties (1 vote)

5. and OTHER, to which I demanded a response to, and got 1 vote, and THIS is the story behind how a certain  Isle-Of-WightBoy (yay wordplay!)  got crunked the fuck up:

  • “My ‘other’ method of obtaining alcohol was a friend who worked at a local chain store. He used to wait until they had run their very loud trash compactor (used only once a day because of noise complaints) then hide several crates of beers and a bottle of bourbon in there. At night after closing we would scale the fence and retrieve the booze!! 😉;)

And, hats off to you friend! That is pretty fucking epic in teen bootlegging. Most just stick it in with their playboy under the mattress, in the treehouse or in the sock drawer. Shit, if I turned into a teen again, I wouldn’t even KNOW where to hide shit. I’d be terrible at being sneaky. But gummi bears. Like a portable jello-shot, just bag em up and go. Fuck, you could even get all crazy with it and  do like worms, or skittles, or like, anything. Mmmmm. Liquor Licorice. Goshdamn. YOu can drink the liquor out of a liquor straw. Now I’m thirsty.

Candy? Check.

Booze? Check.

 Happy Drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is done.
Happy drunk Children Aplenty? Check. My work here is DONE.
But, this is all Jenna-In-The-City talking, of course. There is the (marginally) more responsible facet to me (Jenna in the Country) as well who thinks “I will find these kids, give them all a good old Italian back hand to the side of the head, tell them to get back to fucking school I AM PAYING FOR, and I shall eat the gummies while handing out copies of my advice to them: teen-mom-syndrome-scared-celibate for the girls, and boys-how-to-guide-on-becoming-a-man for the little lads.” Yes. That is exactly what I would do. And I would take my wealth of Stoli-infused gummies, share them with my sister (check her out!) on her ghetto-phab porch and make sure we put them up SUPER HIGH. No one likes drunk ass sugar fueled preschoolers in the morning!
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog world domination.
Because sugar and alcohol are essential for blog-world DOMINATION.
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